Are you willing?

This morning I received this in my email from a wise woman Karen Salmansohn:


It struck me upside the head like a gentle kiss. It has been swirling around in my mind all day. I have heard it before, but today it tied in with my word "recalibrate" and took on a new perspective. It says to me that I need to let go, and begin again. It says in a gentle way "You have been trying too hard, dear One." It says that I must TRUST. so I say to you~ Say this quote out loud. Now, go to your mirror, change the "WE" to I, the "US" to ME and say it again. how did it feel? Did it resonate with you?
What does it feel like to you?

Today, as I was driving an hour to a wedding rehearsal that I was really having anxiety over, I popped in Jennifer Berezan's CD "Returning." it's calming. It's healing. It reaches down and touches your heart. With the music playing, I sang as loud as I could. " Returning, returning, returning to the Mother of us all..." I centered myself, and tried to be open to my anxiety. Why was I feeling angst with something I absolutely find joy over? I was afraid of judgement of others. I was afraid that they weren't going to like my ceremony. And most importantly, I was afraid of the unknown. Not knowing how this was going to look like, because I was stepping out of my comfort zone and trying something I had never done before. ( a stone ceremony.)

However, I promised that I would open myself to whatever was supposed to occur, and be OK with the possibilities of what it would look like.

When i walked in they were happy to see me. They liked me. They loved my ceremony. I walked out wondering what the heck my problem was. Why did fear step in and cloud my joy? Why did i allow anxiety to take up all the confidence, and push it aside? I have a theory. I am a perfectionist, and because I didn't know how part of the ceremony was going to look like, and I don't like not being prepared. I guess I need to work on that.

I need to stop planning my life down to every moment. I need to allow for the unknown. I need to let life happen. Because that's where the unexpected joy finds us. That's where the surprises brighten our day.

So this New Year's Eve, as we get ready to begin again, I ask that you create space for yourself to let go of the life you have planned for yourself, and create space for the life that is waiting for you.

Blessings to all of you. May you find joy in the unexpected.
And so it is.

Reflections of a year gone by

This morning a word popped into my head. "Recalibrate". It shuffled in and out of my thoughts. I whispered it. I felt it on my tongue, in my voice. Recalibrate. What does that mean to me? Then it dawned on me. The WORD. You know, the word you choose to represent the life you want to live  for the year. Or is that just something that only I do?

Photo Courtesy of Montrose Colorado Grace Community Church

So I looked in the mirror. I looked into those blue eyes. I looked at the gray hair SCREAMING to be free of hair dye. I looked at the tiny fine lines around my eyes. I looked at my body; a mother's body. One that I have never been able to embrace, that I have never celebrated.  Do you know who I am? Do you know what I am about? Do you know what I represent? These are the questions I have been asking myself for the last month. Questions that have really left me confused, frustrated, fuzzy.
Because I don't even know. I am not in the same space that I was a few years ago. I am not living a life that I had promised myself I would, when I took vows 3 years ago in a sacred space with really amazing people.

But then again I can't be hard on myself. I am living an authentic life. Things have changed. They aren't the same. Life requires a different sort of energy for me to function these days.  I am a mother 4 times over. I spent this entire year learning how to adapt. How to make it work for myself. For my partner, for my children, and for our new baby. A lack of sleep, exhaustion, and no personal space at ALL left me little time to work on ME. I learned to take a small sliver of time, in the wee hours of the night while I was breastfeeding my little one to pray, or to connect to Spirit.

I worked hard this year at building my business. Officiating weddings. Funerals. Teaching classes. Reaching deeper inside myself to pull out strength that I never knew that I had. I dealt with catastrophe. I handled adversity.  I healed some relationships, and let go of others. I learned a lot about myself.

I learned that life is exactly what you make of it. That you can't keep woulda coulda shoulda-ing your life away. That living in the past doesn't make the future any brighter. That trying to foretell the future doesn't help the present to be beautiful. Of course these are all lessons that I thought I had already learned a long time ago. I guess I must of forgotten. How many times must one go through the same lessons?

After living in a very different life these past 3 years, It wasn't until THIS year that noticed how much I had taken a few steps away from the Spiritual aspect of me. Yet I was living and working under the title of a minister. I felt like a fraud. But am I?

No. The "title" is just one of many aspects of who I am. I have just been busy. I didn't create the space to "BE" spiritual. Except that is not true either. I did. In tiny hidden moments. The in breath and the out breath here and there. Singing to my baby the chants and songs I learned from amazing mother archetypes that have blessed my life.


As we near the end of the year every year, I always take the time to reflect on the life I have lived thus far. Did I make a difference? Was I kind to the Earth? Did I learn anything that helps to make me a better person? Did I do ANYTHING right with my kids?
This year, I can answer yes. I did. I can feel good about that.

My goal/objective for this new year is to live in integrity. With myself, with my family, and with those I choose to surround myself with. I choose to surround myself with people who HAVE integrity. Who want to make a difference. Who choose to be positive.

"Recalibrate". This word feels right to me.  It's time to recalibrate my life. I am not sure what that means, but I guess we will find out. May our lessons be gentle, and may this year 2011 bring us joy beyond measure. And so it is. Cheers!

The gift of knowing you

The world lost a lovely woman today. I'm sorry to see you go. I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to see you one last time. To hear your quick laughter, to get that last hug.
I am sorry for your two beautiful daughters who lost their mother at such a young age. For your baby grandson who you lived your life for.
I am sorry for your employers who never fully appreciated your abilities.

Yet. Yet I know, at the same time you are finally free. You have been released from your failing body. You have been released from the mountain of responsibility and stress, and dark nights. You have been released from your sadness.

I know your happy now. I know you are off to learn your new lessons, and find value in the life you lived.
I will smile when I think of you. I will remember you fondly. I will miss you.
Farewell Denise Schmidt. You were a lovely woman. You ARE a lovely soul.

Baaa baaaa Black Sheep.....

This is how I have felt my entire life growing up. To my family I have always been, and most likely always be THIS. Reading this passage actually made me cry, because it was like I finally felt heard, accepted, loved and wanted. Oh Don't get me wrong, my husband and friends love me and support me. But the family I was born into, raised with? Yeah. This is me 100% to a Tee. Now I understand so much more, and I feel better now. Amazing what a good article will do for your self esteem.
From the Daily OM~

The Black Sheep

One of a Kind

Many of us have had an experience in which we felt like the lone black sheep in a vast sea of white sheep. For some of us, however, this sense of not belonging runs more deeply and spans a period of many years. It is possible to feel like the black sheep in families and peer groups that are supportive, as well as in those that are not. Even if we receive no overt criticism regarding our values, there will likely be times when it seems that relatives and friends are humoring us or waiting for us to grow out of a phase. Sometimes we may even think we have been adopted because we are so different from our family members. These feelings are not a sign that we have failed in some way to connect with others. Rather, they should be perceived as the natural result of our willingness to articulate our individuality.

Many black sheep respond to the separateness they feel by pulling back from the very people to whom they might otherwise feel closest and embracing a different group with whom they enjoy a greater degree of commonality. But if you feel that your very nature has set you apart from your peers and relatives, consider that you chose long ago to be raised by a specific family and to come together with specific people so that you could have certain experiences that would contribute to your ongoing evolution. You may be much more sensitive than the people around you or more artistic, aware, spiritual, or imaginative. The disparate temperament of your values and those of your family or peers need not be a catalyst for interpersonal conflict. If you can move beyond comparisons and accept these differences, you will come to appreciate the significant role your upbringing and socialization have played in your life's unique journey.

In time, most black sheep learn to embrace their differences and be thankful for those aspects of their individuality that set them apart from others. We cannot expect that our peers and relatives will suddenly choose to embrace our values and offer us the precise form of support we need. But we can acknowledge the importance of these individuals by devoting a portion of our energy to keeping these relationships healthy while continuing to define our own identities apart from them.

Meeting our Own Needs

When you fly on an airplane, and the plane is getting ready to take off, the fight attendant goes through the myriad of instructions on what to do in case of emergency. When they show the oxygen mask, they tell you to place the mask on yourself before your child, if you have one. Why? So you are better able to meet the needs of your child.

This is vital requirements for parents in our every day lives, and many of us just don't. We give and give to our kids, and they happily take. Often, I will feel like I am sacrificing everything to be a parent, like I am losing myself to be the best parent I can be because you know, they NEED every ounce of us. After all, it's an 18 year full time job. We invest ourselves in learning how to parent, and often times can become consumed by it.

What I am realizing that if I don't meet my own needs, if I don't mentally give myself a time out every day, then I find myself not as patient, or exasperated with my teens/tween. Joseph Chilton Pearce said "What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become." In other words, we need to learn how to balance our lives in a way where our needs are being met, and we are thriving, so that we can then show our children that it is possible.

I have been watching my hubby lately with his full, fast and frenzied schedule, who isn't getting enough rest, regular meals, and choosing not to give himself time to relax. He then isn't able to really respond enthusiastically or well to the needs of the kids, OR me. So many parents do this. They eliminate making time for fun in their lives, and then get edgy with the kids who want so much of your time. It's overwhelming, dealing with the challenges of simply listening to our kids sometimes.

I have been there.. I am often there all the time, and it's simply a lose/lose with my kids. I will find myself nagging, threatening, yelling, making demands, and doling out rewards and punishments... until I come to point of total exhaustion. Does any of this sound familiar?

When I was growing up, my mom allowed her own needs to go unmet for so long that she became resentful. As a child, I realized rather quickly her "sacrifices" and felt guilty about receiving from her. I only wanted to please her. After I grew up, she still had my sisters to raise, as well as step children, and she was completely burned out with parenting. She came to a sputtering stop, and began taking care of her own needs, but dropping the ball on being there for her family. She wasn't able to balance herself, so then her children became resentful of Her. They saw her as being selfish, and it has caused a negative snowball reaction of estranged family. I watched it all unfold from a distance because by then, I was busy creating my own family.

I did not/ DO not want this to happen to me. So I have given myself a task of learning my own warning signs that I am not taking care of myself. It's a challenge! It means I have to make a commitment and be determined to set aside my old habits of self-denial and self sacrifice. I am learning slowly to create new habits of self acceptance and self respect. Where I am failing, is that I wait until my tank is on empty, and then it's hard to get motivated to get back up to where I need to be. The book I am reading "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict Into Co-operation" gives this advice for when this happens :#1. Notice the warning signs that you are run down or about to do/say something you will regret. #2. Pause and take a few deep breaths, and #3, take time IN to connect with yourself.

Carl Jung says "If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."

So that is what I am focusing on right now as a parent. I would love to hear from other parents how they are managing to balance themselves so that they don't burn out. I welcome new ideas that may help me! :)

Thankful

Today is an emotional one for me. I need to tune into my inner guidance this morning, and listen to my intuitiveness. I wonder how much of our emotional state is given to us from our parents? I mean in a hereditary way? Both of my biological parents are incredibly sensitive. They have such deep feelings, both passionately believe in their own belief systems. Both of them are serious natured, most of the time. Deeply philosophical. Did I get it from them? OR was it learned over my lifetime? They both also have gigantic love in their hearts. They each express their love in their own ways, but let me tell you, you can feel it.
Did I get that from them? mmm Maybe partly.

I learned compassion and empathy from my mother. I learned the deep love of Jesus from my father. They might not like the choices I have made in regards to not following their religious paths, but they did give me this, and I honor their beliefs, and I will carry it happily.

I have another father, my dad, who raised me since I was 6, and I received the MOST incredible life lessons from him. Patience, love for our earth, and a light heartedness that I am the most thankful for.
So I pass it down.

It's amazing to witness all of this in my children, but what is even more amazing is watching them learn to push through their own fears. Something I didn't learn from my parents. It is so easy to get caught up in the fear of our everyday lives, of money, of relationship, of parenting, of work. We forget to be Thankful. When you live in fear, you forget how good you actually have it. It's easy to get caught up in the drama, it takes a strong person to push through that fear, and find your own light in the darkness. If you don't push through it, your fear builds, and creates havoc on your immune system, emotional state, and crawls into every area of your life. So If there is one thing I am proud of, it is giving my children the tools to persevere.

I am curious as to how my newest little child will learn and grow from us, from a mom and a dad that are united in love and KNOW how blessed we are. Who share the same beliefs, who share the same beliefs. I can't wait to see who she will be. I didn't have that growing up, so it can only get better.

So right now, I am Thankful. I am blessed. I know this.

Giving

The wind is howling outside. It makes an eery sound, whistling through the screens on our windows, shaking the chimes hanging on our porch violently. The air bites my face, almost burning it. The sky is ominous, with black and gray clouds moving steadily all together in one direction, swiftly. So cold. A good day to be inside.

As I am finally sitting in my warm car listening to Sarah McLachlan's Drawn to the Rhythm on my way to an appointment, I spot him. Standing there on a corner holding a cardboard sign, wrapped in an old thin coat, and shivering. His face inscrutable, but the eyes, those eyes tell another story. Of longing, of sadness, of despair, of desperation. People honk at him, and he willingly obeys, walking over to the vehicles, taking handouts from the drivers. He smiles and thanks each person, without looking at what he is handed, stuffing the bills into his pocket.
I feel a heaviness come over my heart. Here I am sitting toasty and warm in my car, and I am watching a man beg in the biting, freezing winter's wind. I take out the only bill in my wallet, a $10.00 and I wonder for a moment, if it will help him in some small way. Will he use it to feed himself, or a potential family? Will he buy drugs or alcohol?
Does it matter? Really? I am blessed with food, shelter, and love. I rolled down my window and beckoned him over, and he nodded at me. He took the money I offered him, and instead of stuffing it in his pocket, he looked at it, which I wasn't expecting. He jerked his eyes up to find mine, and surprise registered on his face. He quickly grabbed my hand, and took my warm fingers into his icy hand, and thanked me, blessed me, and said to have a blessed holidays. A tear formed in his eye, and he brushed it away, as I smiled and drove away. Looking in the rear view mirror, I see him watching me drive away, before he turned back to his task of begging the drivers behind me.
Did I make a difference? Will he be OK? I don't know.
I wish I had had something tangible to give. Such as a bowl of soup, or a sandwich. But I didn't. I don't.
I can only hope he will find somewhere warm to go to, and someday soon he will not have to stand on the corner,with a shabby piece of cardboard stating that he is homeless, in the biting angry wind and beg for money from drivers driving by. That is my wish for him. My wish for all the people like him.
May I be reminded of how blessed I am. May we all be reminded.

(Picture from Portland Rescue Mission)