Finding The Light, OR~ Note to self

Someone dear to me once said, “Why do you continue to dig through the shit? Are you looking for a pony? Because I guarantee all you’re going to find is more shit!”

We all have life experiences to deal with. Some are enjoyable, while others test the strength of your soul, and the testimony of your heart. They are all learning opportunities, but no one ever said it was going to be easy. If they did, I’m pretty sure they would be high tailing into hiding. Plus, there is no grade given to you by the life experience professor. You either get it, or you don’t and get a do-over. Life repeats over and over until you finally figure it out.

When you are in the mud and the muck, it’s hard to see the bigger picture. It’s easy to stop looking for the way out because our challenges tend to consume us. When I am in that space of challenge, and life seems to be continually throwing curve balls at me that seem impossible to hit, I start to feel like Tinker-bell when she thinks that humans don’t believe in fairies. Her light flickers… dims like a withering flower, slowly sinking into herself.

“Quick! Clap your hands if you believe in fairies!”  I’ve been clapping my hands so furiously for so long that my hands are tired, and sore from slapping them against each other.

It’s so easy to be a victim in our story. Where everything happens TO us. None of it is our fault, right? “It’s THEIR fault. They did this TO me, They MADE me react.”

Does that help you? Does it make you feel better not to own your own stuff? Honestly, with that point of view, it makes you look like an asshole. There’s enough assholery going around, thank you.

Eventually the wrinkles in our life story smooth out, and life begins to get comfortable again. We can start to move past the challenges. We climb back into the boat that’s headed toward the end of the rainbow. We push off from the shore of self-misery.

This, my friend~ is the cycle of life.

Until you find the tools to get through your challenges with grace and ease, you will continue to flail when you’ve fallen flat on your face, knee deep in the shit.  Until you start taking 100% responsibility for your part in your story, you will continue to play small, being a victim of your own self-created destruction.  Until you stop feeling sorry for yourself and instead find something to be grateful for in your amazing and beautiful life, you will continue to be a negative SOB that no one wants to be around.

Do you understand yet? Don’t you see? You are the creator of your story. This is all about you and your unique opportunity to have the power of choice and free will. You design it. The Universe gives it to you.  Good, bad or in between, end of story.

The problem is that so many of us don’t believe it.  We don’t believe that we have that kind of possibility within us. We tend to think externally. That it’s all outside of us.

My question to you is simply this: If you knew that you had the power to create a sweet life, full of joy, happiness and ease, would you un-create and destroy your limiting beliefs that said otherwise?

Well, would you?

Then do it. Un-create your story. Destroy your limiting beliefs. Let me know when that happens. Because being a victim doesn’t serve you. Quit digging through the shit, and stop looking for that pony. It’s really not worth it.

But you are. You are SO worth it. You are a gift, and a blessing. So be grateful. I see your light. I see you.

Walking the Spiral.

When I really started digging into my spirituality as a young adult, I was torn from being raised as a fundamentalist and seeking the other side of the spectrum, that which intrigued me. Which path was mine? I have ALWAYS been a seeker.
Ever since I was a little girl, I always knew that I have been enveloped in the Love of Spirit. The Magic of Mother Earth has always spoken to me, and the voice of Spirit has continuously been present in my ear. The seed in side of me has always been there, deep in my soul. I have always had the deep love for all things nature based.

But how did it fit into my Christianity? Where did Jesus fit? So I started exploring. I checked out Paganism, Wicca, Buddhism, Shamanic practices, Sufism. I studied Science Of Mind, and New Thought. I started learning about Mythology, and Mysticism. I learned about Angels, and Spirit Helpers. Guides, and our ancestors.

I returned to learning about Jesus once more, and started looking more closely at his disciples. Who were they, really? So I studied and fell in love with Mary Magdeline. I met a beautiful woman who channeled her. I read the Gnostic Gospels. I joined book circles, took classes, workshops.
I adopted wise women and men as mentors. I learned about The Secret, and the Law of Attraction, watched everything I could on the Indigo child. I watched A Wrinkle in Time, and had my mind blown. I watched every movie I could on transformation, and energy, and the soul.
I gleaned everything I could from everyone I knew. I know that I barely scratched the surface.
I joined a community, and adopted Spirit Mama's and Papa's and sisters and brothers. I attended Boddhisattva classes, and sweat lodge ceremonies. I joined a powerful interfaith Prayer Circle. I learned how to do Shamanic Journey work. I had soul retrieval done, and talked to Psychics. Out of body experience? yes. Talking to those that walk on the other side? Yes. Feeling energy? yes. And so much more.

Long story short I've explored, and learned, and discovered. But I'm a novice. I am still hungry. I want to learn SO MUCH MORE.

I know that when I was first discovering all this I was so excited. I never once thought I was an expert by any means, but my ego was not in check, and I know I was quite arrogant. I remember my minister friend and mentor said to me when I was telling her all my grandiose plans "NO one is going to take you seriously. #1. You are too young. #2, You have SO much more to learn."

Initially, that upset me. Well, my ego was bruised. Now, she wasn't being mean. She was gently keeping me in check. Reminding me that I am a student, a seeker first and foremost, and I had a long way to go until someone WANTED me for a teacher.
I will always be thankful for her words of wisdom. Putting that perspective on me was the best thing that could have happened.

I think back to all the women in my prayer circle, and my women's circles, ALL older than I, and what they must of thought of my ambition. Did they just smile and nod? Think I was being over zealous? Perhaps. They embraced me, encouraged me, and supported me along my journey. They were my foundation to grow on. I needed them, and I'm so incredibly thankful for their wisdom. I miss them so much. My tribe. I Love you, ladies.

And now I have a new circle that I am embracing. I'm not the youngest anymore. And I see the younger version of me within.
And the circle goes round and round.

May we all be illuminated by Spirit, and feel embraced and supported. May we all continue to walk together on this journey, even if it isn't side by side. I've got your back, and I know somewhere, someone has mine.

Breakthrough

Shifting, moving, swaying with the music in my head. My thoughts have become contemplative, observational. I see the wheel in my mind turning, slowly... like a waterwheel on a paddle boat, scooping up thoughts, slowly bringing them full circle and then letting them go back into the depths of my own soul.

I wonder about myself sometimes. 

Flashback to a memory~ 

I was pulled to the east coast by playing a main character in a love story. I initially resisted it. The voice inside my head; the soul said I had to go. The power animals in my journey said I had to go. Channelers who knew nothing about me or my story told me I had to go. There was something out there that I had to do. To create, cultivate, bring to the surface. I was being called to be a facilitator for others, to help others to grow and flourish. I was called to let a beloved love me so passionately and fearlessly. I was called to walk a new life. A "do-over". 

So I dropped my stories of why I needed to stay in my rooted spot. I dropped my pretenses and my fears that I would fall flat on my face. It was a daring leap. 

********

It took me a long time to find the courage to lead. To bring what I know to the surface, and be willing to share it with others. Initially I wasn't sure that there were others in this thickly religious part of the country that would be interested in what I had to offer. 

Years. It took me years to find the courage to shake off my fear, and step up on a box to turn my light on for others to witness and see. For others to be drawn to my light. 

Slowly they came. An evolving circle of likeminded women who are in various stages of their own spiritual journey. Some are farther ahead on the path than I, some are taking their first tentative steps. My job as a facilitator is to witness and support all these lovelies. To affirm the truth of who they are. 

Who knew how they would change my life? 

I learned that the more I give, the more I receive. These women teach me. I'm learning again, and my spiritual hunger to grow is back. I'm back in learning mode. 

In the past few months I have had so many "ahas!" and "whoas!" that it simply excites me to wake up every single day wondering what delicious new insight I might be blessed enough to receive. 

I have learned that life is moving far too fast to hang on to the unimportant, the trivial, the stories that hold me back. There is no time for that. 

Through dreaming, reading, listening, and sharing with my own pack of wild, soulful women... I feel absolutely alive, nurtured, and spiritually fed.  

I keep being reminded to not hold onto anything too tightly. That's when you get held back. When you stagnate. Dr. Carla Goddard said "You may believe you must hold on tightly, when truly you should be letting go. Seek out clarity and direction. Remember when you cling to something, it is only because you feel incomplete. You fear if you let go there will be pain. Yet when you open your palm, in that emptiness that remains, it is there that you will find the completion of yourself as one that you have been seeking."

I hear you Spirit. I am listening. May we all feel the gentle reminders to be present, to be open, and surrender the notion that we already know all the answers. May I be free to stay in the ebb and flow of the tide. May I continue to break through.  May I remember that I AM enough. May you remember, too. 

Aho. 

The Power of a Word

It is said that words have powerful energy attached to them. They can shift the power of the world. People hear them, and take them in, process it, and determine how they will react, or respond. Internally, we have the power to choose our thoughts (which are really just words) and to exercise choice in if it will be a positive or negative thought.

A Course In Miracles says "You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from that you think."

That brings me to share with you my "word" for the year. Every year I choose a word that will reflect the next year, the next chapter of my life. Only that isn't quite true.  The word actually chooses me. Maybe it's my higher self that whispers it into my ear. Maybe it's a word that stops me in my tracks, and I know it's mine to use.
This year the word morphed into two words. The first word is Metamorphosis.
met·a·mor·pho·sis  (mt-môrf-ss)

n. pl. met·a·mor·pho·ses (-sz)

1. A transformation, as by magic or sorcery.

2. A marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function.

One of the many varieties of butterflies that visited our butterfly bush this past summer.

The second word that came to me from saying Metamorphosis over and over. I heard the whisper in my ear: "Metta, metta, metta! Metta? The Metta website shared this: The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others(parahita-parasukha-kamana). Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.

Whoa. That's a lot to digest. So, basically I'm going to transform myself into a new and better version of me, as well as being as loving as possible. Time to step out of Fear: (False Evidence Appearing Real), and live my truth to the best of my ability. Let's see what happens, shall we? 

The power of a word. It changes lives. It's all in how you look at it. "My thoughts are images that I have made" ~ A Course in Miracles. 

Do you have a word? Would you be willing to share? 

Here's my post for my 2011 word: "Reflections of a Year Gone By" 

Coming back into the fold of Blogging

Sunset in the Sea Grass @ Oak Island, North Carolina

It's been a long time since I have stepped into the blog world to share my inner most thoughts, illusions, and reality with you.
It's been 8 months of reflection. I had wondered all spring and summer of what I wanted to do with my blogs. I didn't necessarily want to delete them, as I love the power of words, and some of what I have written have been inspirational, funny, heart wrenching, and thought provoking. No, deleting it would have had me regretful. So I just stayed away. It's not that I didn't have anything to say here, it's that I wanted something different. I just didn't know what.

So again I start over.

The new year starts in 2 days. The beginning beginning again. A do-over. 2013, the year of possibility, potentiality, and amazing adventures.
What has occurred for me since April of 2012?
I did a lot of weddings. 30 weddings, 2 baby blessings, 2 women's circles. I was busy most every single weekend. I still love what I do. And yet....
I'm hopeful for the new year. What will it bring for us?
My children have grown. Julia goes to an arts school and got braces, Ryan dropped out of school and is working full time, getting ready to fly the nest, Kayce broke his face from two bike crashes, got 2 concussions, turned his schooling around and is doing great. Isabella was vivacious and hilarious.
We went on our first family vacation to North Carolina for Christmas.
We were abundant in all things; love, hope, possibility, and adventure. I'm looking forward to an even better year. I hope you will share it with me. Sending you blessings for you and your beautiful families. I will hope with you for a fantastic tomorrow, if you promise to love and appreciate today with me.
Happy New Year!

What is a bad day, anyway?

I had a bad day. I didn't want to share that factoid with you, because my posts are supposed to be uplifting, and thought provoking. Insightful. So, why would I ever want to share my bad day with you? Why would I want to bring you down?
I spoke these thoughts aloud to my sounding board and one of my dearest friends Chris. She heard my words, but seemed confused. "Why WOULDN'T you want to share this part of your life? It means you are human, just like us. It shows your own vulnerability. Your strength when you climb out of that place. Just remember to share the lesson you gained while sitting in that dark space too". She is absolutely right.

So I had a bad day. I realized that sometimes it's OK to sit in that dark space. It's OK to feel mad, sad, frustrated. It's OK because we ALL have those feelings. We all have many of the same life experiences. We are really never alone, even if we think we are. We can feel sorry for ourselves, and try to remember to pat ourselves on the back, give ourselves self love, and empathy. Wouldn't you hope that from a true friend? Let me ask you this: Are you your own friend? You should be. It adds value to who you really are. You become a brighter light in the midst of our communities.

Sometimes that dark space can become a dungeon though. Sometimes we can drown in our own misery.    But that is your walk. Your journey. You need to find the tools in your "tool box for the soul" to help you lift yourself out of that dark space.

The dark nights of the soul as I have learned to call them from wise women in my life, are the most teachable moments that we can ever offer ourselves. It leads to introspection and revelation, if we really take the time to sit with it and try to understand why you are in that dark night in the first place. There is a lesson in every single thing you experience.

I have been going through a lot these past few months. Just like everyone else, right? Some of it has been quite honestly superficial. Ego driven. I fully admit it. Some of it has been deep down soul hurt, heart hurt, mind expanding/blowing revelations. I could easily choose to close myself off to not feel it. To be numb, to stuff it down a little further in my heart and smile instead. My mom always told me to just keep smiling, because eventually my day would be a good one. Pretend long enough and it becomes true.
I have learned that it isn't who I am, to stuff my feelings. I simply can't. I have to analyze every little detail to understand the situation. I need closure. What I have learned from what my mom said though wasn't so much that she wanted me to stuff the feelings, but to live in the present moment as much as possible. To be the light for others and that eventually it will fill you up. To be a positive person and that it become true for you.
I'm trying, mom.
I have felt tearful recently... a knot in my throat. My husband is the very first man that I have met that doesn't ever tell me not to cry. He doesn't care if it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't try to fix my hurt. Crying is releasing, and healthy. It lets it all out. It's healing.
So I have cried. Not a lot, but enough to expel some of that hurt and frustration. I have asked for support. I have asked for laughter from others. It helps a little.
I have worked at finding the positive in every single thing that I have chosen to feel hurt in the last few months. I feel a little stronger. A little brighter. A little better.

So, I just wanted you to know that it's OK to have a bad day.

"There are two ways of spreading light ... To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it." ~ Edith Wharton ~

I am here to shine a light in your dark places. As you walk through your dark nights of the soul, always remember that I will leave a light on for you. Will you leave a light on for me?

Testing Faith

I wrote this a year ago, right before Easter. I found it fitting to put it out there again, on this blog. Enjoy! ...


 "Why is Jesus's death and Resurrection mixed with The Easter Bunny and Easter Egg hunts?" Asked my daughter with a confused and perplexed face.
Oh boy. Big questions.

So we launched into a history lesson. A controversial one at that. We talked about Paganism. We talked about Ostara; the pagan goddess of Spring and fertility. She goes many names, Ishtar, Oestar. We discussed how the Pagan's celebrated Spring for thousands of years before the start of Christianity, and why Spring SHOULD be celebrated. Life, rebirth, warmer weather, longer days... Yes. Something to celebrate.

We discussed how the egg and rabbit are both associated with fertility (Spring)... which led to an interesting discussion skirting around sex, but she got the general idea when I explained it. She did like the story of coloring the eggs, and how it has a special place in the Pagan Spring festival, associating the colors with the sunlight of Spring.

The difficult part in our conversation was when we talked about the transition of Pagan tradition morphing with Christianity, from what I learned, was through force. How The leaders of the Christian faith wanted the Pagan traditions to cease to exist, to quietly disappear.  I tried to explain the parallel of pagan spring rituals and and Jesus's Resurrection. It wasn't easy.

It opened the door wide open to my own religious upbringing, and my beliefs. Telling Julia the story of myself as a young child watching a live reenactment of Jesus being whipped, dragging his cross across several blocks in the town that we lived in and being tied up on it. Remembering his words crying out in the night as he *died*"Oh God! Why have you forsaken me?"

I became very emotional telling this story to my daughter. It was a pivotal moment in my life that shaped a part of me. Traumatizing, if you will. To see someone that I was brought up to love.... this beloved man, and to see him hurt and killed in a very violent way, whoa. I didn't understand it at the time.

As a grown woman, as a mother, I actually love Easter. What I love most about it is the celebration of Spring, of LIFE. Flowers, coloring eggs, egg hunts, family gatherings, FOOD, bunnies.. There's a lightness. Happiness. It's like a long awaited dawn after a long winter's night. I want my children to know what all the parts of Easter represent. Both the Pagan and the Christian ways. Because that's who I am. I am a blend of all faiths. I cannot be pigeon holed into one way.

Every answer that I gave her brought up another question from her. Her confusion about all the different faiths of the world, and why there are so many. Especially when we discussed all the different  Christian faiths; Baptist, Lutheran, Protestant, Catholicism, etc. So many why's. Not understanding.
It felt like her world expanded a little more... or maybe.. exploded. There is so much that she just realized she doesn't understand, and it was pretty confusing for her.

My final explanation about religion to her based on my belief, was that there is no wrong way to love God. That the underlying essence of every religion is Love. That all religions preach for a person to live your very best life. In the end we all learn the greatest lesson: Love is unconditional. No matter what you believe.

I know I didn't answer all her questions. Glenn teased me later that it was quite the Sunday Sermon. Hah.

I want my children to explore their world. To determine their own way of believing. To follow their own paths, their own hearts passion. To not judge others, and to remember they are a spark of a brilliant Light that floods us all.