Baaa baaaa Black Sheep.....

This is how I have felt my entire life growing up. To my family I have always been, and most likely always be THIS. Reading this passage actually made me cry, because it was like I finally felt heard, accepted, loved and wanted. Oh Don't get me wrong, my husband and friends love me and support me. But the family I was born into, raised with? Yeah. This is me 100% to a Tee. Now I understand so much more, and I feel better now. Amazing what a good article will do for your self esteem.
From the Daily OM~

The Black Sheep

One of a Kind

Many of us have had an experience in which we felt like the lone black sheep in a vast sea of white sheep. For some of us, however, this sense of not belonging runs more deeply and spans a period of many years. It is possible to feel like the black sheep in families and peer groups that are supportive, as well as in those that are not. Even if we receive no overt criticism regarding our values, there will likely be times when it seems that relatives and friends are humoring us or waiting for us to grow out of a phase. Sometimes we may even think we have been adopted because we are so different from our family members. These feelings are not a sign that we have failed in some way to connect with others. Rather, they should be perceived as the natural result of our willingness to articulate our individuality.

Many black sheep respond to the separateness they feel by pulling back from the very people to whom they might otherwise feel closest and embracing a different group with whom they enjoy a greater degree of commonality. But if you feel that your very nature has set you apart from your peers and relatives, consider that you chose long ago to be raised by a specific family and to come together with specific people so that you could have certain experiences that would contribute to your ongoing evolution. You may be much more sensitive than the people around you or more artistic, aware, spiritual, or imaginative. The disparate temperament of your values and those of your family or peers need not be a catalyst for interpersonal conflict. If you can move beyond comparisons and accept these differences, you will come to appreciate the significant role your upbringing and socialization have played in your life's unique journey.

In time, most black sheep learn to embrace their differences and be thankful for those aspects of their individuality that set them apart from others. We cannot expect that our peers and relatives will suddenly choose to embrace our values and offer us the precise form of support we need. But we can acknowledge the importance of these individuals by devoting a portion of our energy to keeping these relationships healthy while continuing to define our own identities apart from them.

Meeting our Own Needs

When you fly on an airplane, and the plane is getting ready to take off, the fight attendant goes through the myriad of instructions on what to do in case of emergency. When they show the oxygen mask, they tell you to place the mask on yourself before your child, if you have one. Why? So you are better able to meet the needs of your child.

This is vital requirements for parents in our every day lives, and many of us just don't. We give and give to our kids, and they happily take. Often, I will feel like I am sacrificing everything to be a parent, like I am losing myself to be the best parent I can be because you know, they NEED every ounce of us. After all, it's an 18 year full time job. We invest ourselves in learning how to parent, and often times can become consumed by it.

What I am realizing that if I don't meet my own needs, if I don't mentally give myself a time out every day, then I find myself not as patient, or exasperated with my teens/tween. Joseph Chilton Pearce said "What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become." In other words, we need to learn how to balance our lives in a way where our needs are being met, and we are thriving, so that we can then show our children that it is possible.

I have been watching my hubby lately with his full, fast and frenzied schedule, who isn't getting enough rest, regular meals, and choosing not to give himself time to relax. He then isn't able to really respond enthusiastically or well to the needs of the kids, OR me. So many parents do this. They eliminate making time for fun in their lives, and then get edgy with the kids who want so much of your time. It's overwhelming, dealing with the challenges of simply listening to our kids sometimes.

I have been there.. I am often there all the time, and it's simply a lose/lose with my kids. I will find myself nagging, threatening, yelling, making demands, and doling out rewards and punishments... until I come to point of total exhaustion. Does any of this sound familiar?

When I was growing up, my mom allowed her own needs to go unmet for so long that she became resentful. As a child, I realized rather quickly her "sacrifices" and felt guilty about receiving from her. I only wanted to please her. After I grew up, she still had my sisters to raise, as well as step children, and she was completely burned out with parenting. She came to a sputtering stop, and began taking care of her own needs, but dropping the ball on being there for her family. She wasn't able to balance herself, so then her children became resentful of Her. They saw her as being selfish, and it has caused a negative snowball reaction of estranged family. I watched it all unfold from a distance because by then, I was busy creating my own family.

I did not/ DO not want this to happen to me. So I have given myself a task of learning my own warning signs that I am not taking care of myself. It's a challenge! It means I have to make a commitment and be determined to set aside my old habits of self-denial and self sacrifice. I am learning slowly to create new habits of self acceptance and self respect. Where I am failing, is that I wait until my tank is on empty, and then it's hard to get motivated to get back up to where I need to be. The book I am reading "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict Into Co-operation" gives this advice for when this happens :#1. Notice the warning signs that you are run down or about to do/say something you will regret. #2. Pause and take a few deep breaths, and #3, take time IN to connect with yourself.

Carl Jung says "If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."

So that is what I am focusing on right now as a parent. I would love to hear from other parents how they are managing to balance themselves so that they don't burn out. I welcome new ideas that may help me! :)

Thankful

Today is an emotional one for me. I need to tune into my inner guidance this morning, and listen to my intuitiveness. I wonder how much of our emotional state is given to us from our parents? I mean in a hereditary way? Both of my biological parents are incredibly sensitive. They have such deep feelings, both passionately believe in their own belief systems. Both of them are serious natured, most of the time. Deeply philosophical. Did I get it from them? OR was it learned over my lifetime? They both also have gigantic love in their hearts. They each express their love in their own ways, but let me tell you, you can feel it.
Did I get that from them? mmm Maybe partly.

I learned compassion and empathy from my mother. I learned the deep love of Jesus from my father. They might not like the choices I have made in regards to not following their religious paths, but they did give me this, and I honor their beliefs, and I will carry it happily.

I have another father, my dad, who raised me since I was 6, and I received the MOST incredible life lessons from him. Patience, love for our earth, and a light heartedness that I am the most thankful for.
So I pass it down.

It's amazing to witness all of this in my children, but what is even more amazing is watching them learn to push through their own fears. Something I didn't learn from my parents. It is so easy to get caught up in the fear of our everyday lives, of money, of relationship, of parenting, of work. We forget to be Thankful. When you live in fear, you forget how good you actually have it. It's easy to get caught up in the drama, it takes a strong person to push through that fear, and find your own light in the darkness. If you don't push through it, your fear builds, and creates havoc on your immune system, emotional state, and crawls into every area of your life. So If there is one thing I am proud of, it is giving my children the tools to persevere.

I am curious as to how my newest little child will learn and grow from us, from a mom and a dad that are united in love and KNOW how blessed we are. Who share the same beliefs, who share the same beliefs. I can't wait to see who she will be. I didn't have that growing up, so it can only get better.

So right now, I am Thankful. I am blessed. I know this.

Giving

The wind is howling outside. It makes an eery sound, whistling through the screens on our windows, shaking the chimes hanging on our porch violently. The air bites my face, almost burning it. The sky is ominous, with black and gray clouds moving steadily all together in one direction, swiftly. So cold. A good day to be inside.

As I am finally sitting in my warm car listening to Sarah McLachlan's Drawn to the Rhythm on my way to an appointment, I spot him. Standing there on a corner holding a cardboard sign, wrapped in an old thin coat, and shivering. His face inscrutable, but the eyes, those eyes tell another story. Of longing, of sadness, of despair, of desperation. People honk at him, and he willingly obeys, walking over to the vehicles, taking handouts from the drivers. He smiles and thanks each person, without looking at what he is handed, stuffing the bills into his pocket.
I feel a heaviness come over my heart. Here I am sitting toasty and warm in my car, and I am watching a man beg in the biting, freezing winter's wind. I take out the only bill in my wallet, a $10.00 and I wonder for a moment, if it will help him in some small way. Will he use it to feed himself, or a potential family? Will he buy drugs or alcohol?
Does it matter? Really? I am blessed with food, shelter, and love. I rolled down my window and beckoned him over, and he nodded at me. He took the money I offered him, and instead of stuffing it in his pocket, he looked at it, which I wasn't expecting. He jerked his eyes up to find mine, and surprise registered on his face. He quickly grabbed my hand, and took my warm fingers into his icy hand, and thanked me, blessed me, and said to have a blessed holidays. A tear formed in his eye, and he brushed it away, as I smiled and drove away. Looking in the rear view mirror, I see him watching me drive away, before he turned back to his task of begging the drivers behind me.
Did I make a difference? Will he be OK? I don't know.
I wish I had had something tangible to give. Such as a bowl of soup, or a sandwich. But I didn't. I don't.
I can only hope he will find somewhere warm to go to, and someday soon he will not have to stand on the corner,with a shabby piece of cardboard stating that he is homeless, in the biting angry wind and beg for money from drivers driving by. That is my wish for him. My wish for all the people like him.
May I be reminded of how blessed I am. May we all be reminded.

(Picture from Portland Rescue Mission)

Breathe

This is where I am Today. This is all I can do, each and every moment. It's my only way out of my own insanity. Its the only thing I can do to stay balanced.

Christmas Crazy!!

We had a 5 inch black and white TV. I slept on the bed that also converted to the dining table seat. We lived in a camp trailer on the banks of the Columbia River in Rowena, Oregon. My mom was pregnant with a baby, and for the moment, it was just the two of us. I was 6 years old. She was just 25.

When my mom got to the point of being close to delivering her baby in mid December, we moved to my mom's friend's house temporarily. It had gotten so cold, and she couldn't afford the propane to heat our little place. I brought along my two prized possessions, a Kermit the Frog who could wrap his arms and legs around you with velcro, and a Holly Hobby that was my rag doll.

I stayed in my mom's friend's son's room,(we will call him Max.) where he had shelves and boxes full of toys, and books. I was in awe at all his "stuff", even if it was for BOYS. Being an only child, Max had a hard time sharing, and I was sooo jealous.

The night before Christmas I played a bunny in the local church play, and the church handed my mom a box full of food for a Christmas dinner. My mom was embarrassed, but thankful. She handed it right over to her friend as a payment thank you for allowing us to stay there.
I had a little stocking, and I so hoped Santa Claus was going to come. Both Max and I tried to stay up all night, and listen for Santa, and we both heard him clearly. He exclaimed that our room was a mess. That was it. "What a messy room!" he said. We were ashamed. I was terrified that Santa had decided I had been bad because of Max's messy room, and I cried for the rest of the night.

In the morning, my mom wasn't there. She was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. I wanted to go and see her right away, to meet my baby sibling, but no one would take me to her. Instead the grown ups re-directed me to my stocking, and the Christmas tree. The tree was LOADED with gifts, and my 6 year old heart was warmed by the thought that maybe I hadn't been so bad after all.

In my stocking was some candy, and a small plastic Victorian style doll. Her eyes opened and closed when you laid her down or stood her up. I examined her, and moved her arms and legs, which immediately popped out of their sockets. I wasn't impressed. Nothing compared to my Holly Hobby rag doll. But I was smart enough to feign joy. I had gotten really good at lying and saying that my tears were tears of gladness.

Max's stocking was overflowing.

All the presents but one under the tree were for Max's family. I opened my one pretty package, which said "From Santa", and I opened up a flannel red plaid ruffly nightgown. I didn't know what to say. I WAS thankful for a nice warm nightgown. BUT at 6 years of age I saw the unfairness right away, and began to question everything. Maybe I was bad after all.

My thoughts turned to my mom, who I was missing sorely. SHE would have cuddled me. SHE would have helped to make everything better, because we were a team. AND she was having my baby sister, who I couldn't wait to meet. She was going to be our present.

Several days later, when my mom finally did come home, she came home without our baby. I didn't understand! I had so hoped for a sister to be my best friend. Mom looked so sad. She came home empty handed. She had given our baby to a childless couple. She said it was the best Christmas gift she could offer this family who couldn't have someone like me. She said She was blessed with me. the reality was, she didn't think she could afford to raise this baby. Her friend that we lived with convinced her that it was the moral thing to do. I was devastated. That was supposed to be MY Christmas gift. Which would have been the best gift ever.

That year was the hardest Christmas we had ever had. Being poor. Feeling shamed. There were so many lessons for me as a child there. So many lessons for my mom.

The great thing is, I am not in that same place now. Neither is my mother. But there ARE kids who are. Kids who are on some corporate wish list because their family can't afford to give them anything. Things like sweaters, and socks, and warm winter coats.

My friend over at Burghbaby is taking this Christmas into her own hands, and has created Christmas Crazy! Her goal is to raise $1000.00 so that she can go out and buy some kick ass toys to stuff a toy drive bus for kids that were just like me that year.
So, if you have anything to give, I would be entirely grateful if you would go a little Crazy for Christmas, and support the fund. I promise it will make you feel better. And I promise, she won't be buying some little plastic doll whose arms and legs simply fall out of their sockets. go CHRISTMAS CRAZY!!

Opening

Life has taken us all by storm, and has begun to whirl us around like a cartwheel. We are in a momentum that shows no sign of slowing. It is November, and the year has swirled by me so incredibly fast that it is feeling like a constant state of adaptation. Preparing for a baby creates an inner chaos for all of my family.

Memories are resurfacing for me. Memories of my childhood, of my former pregnancies, and all that was a part of creating it. Nostalgic, saddened, joyful views flood my consciousness, and I feel like I am living within the walls of my memories that I had once forgotten, not locked in, no... but a state of daydreams of re-memberings.

Lessons are being learned, compassion for my child self. Understandings of my mother, of my former husband, and his family. Curiosity of my future with my beloved and this new life we have created together. Making peace with my children, when they are going through the same things I did when I was their age. Appreciation of those children of mine. My heart swelling with love for them. Noticing all that I am blessed with.

I sit back as if I am watching a movie of my life, as it is played on a reality channel, and I revel in the thought that this is OK. Or This needs to change. Or whispering the word "Peace" to myself to calm my heart when it is troubled.

As I said to a friend in an email "It seems for me, right now, I am doing my work. Not my life's work, but some emotional, relationship work. Maybe I analyze myself and my misgivings too much. Maybe I try to have some kind of control over situations where it's not meant to be. But I try to figure myself out. Constantly. Does that make sense?"

I hear my higher self whispering to me "OPEN" Open. So that's all I can do. Open.