Lately, I have been in a very inward place. Contemplative. Perhaps a bit pensive. I have been trying to understand. There's a huge word. I'm not trying to conquer the world just yet, but understand human behavior is a good place to start. Why people do the things they do. Why people say the things that they say. Trying to let go of judgement. To let go of ego. To just see the person as a reflection of me. This can be hard, because often I am my own worst critic.
So I am learning compassion for all people, including myself. This is a new concept. I usually have compassion for others, but having it for myself, is a whole new chapter evolving in my life. I kind of figure that if I can be more gentle with myself and others, then my little world might be a little bit brighter.
Am I delusional?
I don't condone bad behavior. I don't like it when people are hurtful, and hateful. But, if I can get down to the heart of WHY they are being hurtful or hateful, then.. at least for myself, I have a basic understanding, and I can deal with it, without my walls coming up, allowing myself to be as authentic as possible.
This is the beginning of a lovely relationship I am creating with myself, right? I don't know that I will always get along with my own concepts here, but I can try. Or else I might just have to break up with myself, and well... we can't have that, right?
This all goes along with my New Year's wish to make an effort of learning to let go. To let go and surrender. To surrender the what if's, the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. Dropping the past behind me so that I can hold onto the present. I finally noticed that after all these years of trying to live in the present moment, trying to live mindfully, that I have actually been hanging onto my past with a death grip. An angry, scornful,wishful death grip. It hasn't been working out for me so well. My inability to let go of the hurt from my past led to depression and anxiety, which led to medication. Which wasn't fun. So in order to deal with my own issues mindfully, I had to come full circle.
Since doing so, I have had a domino effect of "Aha!" moments. Realizations, curiosity, observation. It's become almost a game for me. It actually takes the personal out of the equation because I am looking at certain things in an analytical way. All of a sudden it's like someone opened all the blinds, opened the doors, and turned the lights on.
It's leading to forgiveness. Forgiveness of the things I have done, and for those who've hurt me in my past. And I AM learning to let go, because I finally am starting to have a basic understanding of why things in my life happened. Why people in my past behaved the way they did. Why people still behave the way they do. This is all to the good.
Understanding people, and letting go of the past, is making more room in my life for good things to come in. I see it as spring cleaning.
What are you doing to make more room for good things to come into YOUR life?