Finding The Light, OR~ Note to self

Someone dear to me once said, “Why do you continue to dig through the shit? Are you looking for a pony? Because I guarantee all you’re going to find is more shit!”

We all have life experiences to deal with. Some are enjoyable, while others test the strength of your soul, and the testimony of your heart. They are all learning opportunities, but no one ever said it was going to be easy. If they did, I’m pretty sure they would be high tailing into hiding. Plus, there is no grade given to you by the life experience professor. You either get it, or you don’t and get a do-over. Life repeats over and over until you finally figure it out.

When you are in the mud and the muck, it’s hard to see the bigger picture. It’s easy to stop looking for the way out because our challenges tend to consume us. When I am in that space of challenge, and life seems to be continually throwing curve balls at me that seem impossible to hit, I start to feel like Tinker-bell when she thinks that humans don’t believe in fairies. Her light flickers… dims like a withering flower, slowly sinking into herself.

“Quick! Clap your hands if you believe in fairies!”  I’ve been clapping my hands so furiously for so long that my hands are tired, and sore from slapping them against each other.

It’s so easy to be a victim in our story. Where everything happens TO us. None of it is our fault, right? “It’s THEIR fault. They did this TO me, They MADE me react.”

Does that help you? Does it make you feel better not to own your own stuff? Honestly, with that point of view, it makes you look like an asshole. There’s enough assholery going around, thank you.

Eventually the wrinkles in our life story smooth out, and life begins to get comfortable again. We can start to move past the challenges. We climb back into the boat that’s headed toward the end of the rainbow. We push off from the shore of self-misery.

This, my friend~ is the cycle of life.

Until you find the tools to get through your challenges with grace and ease, you will continue to flail when you’ve fallen flat on your face, knee deep in the shit.  Until you start taking 100% responsibility for your part in your story, you will continue to play small, being a victim of your own self-created destruction.  Until you stop feeling sorry for yourself and instead find something to be grateful for in your amazing and beautiful life, you will continue to be a negative SOB that no one wants to be around.

Do you understand yet? Don’t you see? You are the creator of your story. This is all about you and your unique opportunity to have the power of choice and free will. You design it. The Universe gives it to you.  Good, bad or in between, end of story.

The problem is that so many of us don’t believe it.  We don’t believe that we have that kind of possibility within us. We tend to think externally. That it’s all outside of us.

My question to you is simply this: If you knew that you had the power to create a sweet life, full of joy, happiness and ease, would you un-create and destroy your limiting beliefs that said otherwise?

Well, would you?

Then do it. Un-create your story. Destroy your limiting beliefs. Let me know when that happens. Because being a victim doesn’t serve you. Quit digging through the shit, and stop looking for that pony. It’s really not worth it.

But you are. You are SO worth it. You are a gift, and a blessing. So be grateful. I see your light. I see you.

Walking the Spiral.

When I really started digging into my spirituality as a young adult, I was torn from being raised as a fundamentalist and seeking the other side of the spectrum, that which intrigued me. Which path was mine? I have ALWAYS been a seeker.
Ever since I was a little girl, I always knew that I have been enveloped in the Love of Spirit. The Magic of Mother Earth has always spoken to me, and the voice of Spirit has continuously been present in my ear. The seed in side of me has always been there, deep in my soul. I have always had the deep love for all things nature based.

But how did it fit into my Christianity? Where did Jesus fit? So I started exploring. I checked out Paganism, Wicca, Buddhism, Shamanic practices, Sufism. I studied Science Of Mind, and New Thought. I started learning about Mythology, and Mysticism. I learned about Angels, and Spirit Helpers. Guides, and our ancestors.

I returned to learning about Jesus once more, and started looking more closely at his disciples. Who were they, really? So I studied and fell in love with Mary Magdeline. I met a beautiful woman who channeled her. I read the Gnostic Gospels. I joined book circles, took classes, workshops.
I adopted wise women and men as mentors. I learned about The Secret, and the Law of Attraction, watched everything I could on the Indigo child. I watched A Wrinkle in Time, and had my mind blown. I watched every movie I could on transformation, and energy, and the soul.
I gleaned everything I could from everyone I knew. I know that I barely scratched the surface.
I joined a community, and adopted Spirit Mama's and Papa's and sisters and brothers. I attended Boddhisattva classes, and sweat lodge ceremonies. I joined a powerful interfaith Prayer Circle. I learned how to do Shamanic Journey work. I had soul retrieval done, and talked to Psychics. Out of body experience? yes. Talking to those that walk on the other side? Yes. Feeling energy? yes. And so much more.

Long story short I've explored, and learned, and discovered. But I'm a novice. I am still hungry. I want to learn SO MUCH MORE.

I know that when I was first discovering all this I was so excited. I never once thought I was an expert by any means, but my ego was not in check, and I know I was quite arrogant. I remember my minister friend and mentor said to me when I was telling her all my grandiose plans "NO one is going to take you seriously. #1. You are too young. #2, You have SO much more to learn."

Initially, that upset me. Well, my ego was bruised. Now, she wasn't being mean. She was gently keeping me in check. Reminding me that I am a student, a seeker first and foremost, and I had a long way to go until someone WANTED me for a teacher.
I will always be thankful for her words of wisdom. Putting that perspective on me was the best thing that could have happened.

I think back to all the women in my prayer circle, and my women's circles, ALL older than I, and what they must of thought of my ambition. Did they just smile and nod? Think I was being over zealous? Perhaps. They embraced me, encouraged me, and supported me along my journey. They were my foundation to grow on. I needed them, and I'm so incredibly thankful for their wisdom. I miss them so much. My tribe. I Love you, ladies.

And now I have a new circle that I am embracing. I'm not the youngest anymore. And I see the younger version of me within.
And the circle goes round and round.

May we all be illuminated by Spirit, and feel embraced and supported. May we all continue to walk together on this journey, even if it isn't side by side. I've got your back, and I know somewhere, someone has mine.

Breakthrough

Shifting, moving, swaying with the music in my head. My thoughts have become contemplative, observational. I see the wheel in my mind turning, slowly... like a waterwheel on a paddle boat, scooping up thoughts, slowly bringing them full circle and then letting them go back into the depths of my own soul.

I wonder about myself sometimes. 

Flashback to a memory~ 

I was pulled to the east coast by playing a main character in a love story. I initially resisted it. The voice inside my head; the soul said I had to go. The power animals in my journey said I had to go. Channelers who knew nothing about me or my story told me I had to go. There was something out there that I had to do. To create, cultivate, bring to the surface. I was being called to be a facilitator for others, to help others to grow and flourish. I was called to let a beloved love me so passionately and fearlessly. I was called to walk a new life. A "do-over". 

So I dropped my stories of why I needed to stay in my rooted spot. I dropped my pretenses and my fears that I would fall flat on my face. It was a daring leap. 

********

It took me a long time to find the courage to lead. To bring what I know to the surface, and be willing to share it with others. Initially I wasn't sure that there were others in this thickly religious part of the country that would be interested in what I had to offer. 

Years. It took me years to find the courage to shake off my fear, and step up on a box to turn my light on for others to witness and see. For others to be drawn to my light. 

Slowly they came. An evolving circle of likeminded women who are in various stages of their own spiritual journey. Some are farther ahead on the path than I, some are taking their first tentative steps. My job as a facilitator is to witness and support all these lovelies. To affirm the truth of who they are. 

Who knew how they would change my life? 

I learned that the more I give, the more I receive. These women teach me. I'm learning again, and my spiritual hunger to grow is back. I'm back in learning mode. 

In the past few months I have had so many "ahas!" and "whoas!" that it simply excites me to wake up every single day wondering what delicious new insight I might be blessed enough to receive. 

I have learned that life is moving far too fast to hang on to the unimportant, the trivial, the stories that hold me back. There is no time for that. 

Through dreaming, reading, listening, and sharing with my own pack of wild, soulful women... I feel absolutely alive, nurtured, and spiritually fed.  

I keep being reminded to not hold onto anything too tightly. That's when you get held back. When you stagnate. Dr. Carla Goddard said "You may believe you must hold on tightly, when truly you should be letting go. Seek out clarity and direction. Remember when you cling to something, it is only because you feel incomplete. You fear if you let go there will be pain. Yet when you open your palm, in that emptiness that remains, it is there that you will find the completion of yourself as one that you have been seeking."

I hear you Spirit. I am listening. May we all feel the gentle reminders to be present, to be open, and surrender the notion that we already know all the answers. May I be free to stay in the ebb and flow of the tide. May I continue to break through.  May I remember that I AM enough. May you remember, too. 

Aho. 

The Power of a Word

It is said that words have powerful energy attached to them. They can shift the power of the world. People hear them, and take them in, process it, and determine how they will react, or respond. Internally, we have the power to choose our thoughts (which are really just words) and to exercise choice in if it will be a positive or negative thought.

A Course In Miracles says "You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from that you think."

That brings me to share with you my "word" for the year. Every year I choose a word that will reflect the next year, the next chapter of my life. Only that isn't quite true.  The word actually chooses me. Maybe it's my higher self that whispers it into my ear. Maybe it's a word that stops me in my tracks, and I know it's mine to use.
This year the word morphed into two words. The first word is Metamorphosis.
met·a·mor·pho·sis  (mt-môrf-ss)

n. pl. met·a·mor·pho·ses (-sz)

1. A transformation, as by magic or sorcery.

2. A marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function.

One of the many varieties of butterflies that visited our butterfly bush this past summer.

The second word that came to me from saying Metamorphosis over and over. I heard the whisper in my ear: "Metta, metta, metta! Metta? The Metta website shared this: The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others(parahita-parasukha-kamana). Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.

Whoa. That's a lot to digest. So, basically I'm going to transform myself into a new and better version of me, as well as being as loving as possible. Time to step out of Fear: (False Evidence Appearing Real), and live my truth to the best of my ability. Let's see what happens, shall we? 

The power of a word. It changes lives. It's all in how you look at it. "My thoughts are images that I have made" ~ A Course in Miracles. 

Do you have a word? Would you be willing to share? 

Here's my post for my 2011 word: "Reflections of a Year Gone By"