Meeting our Own Needs

When you fly on an airplane, and the plane is getting ready to take off, the fight attendant goes through the myriad of instructions on what to do in case of emergency. When they show the oxygen mask, they tell you to place the mask on yourself before your child, if you have one. Why? So you are better able to meet the needs of your child.

This is vital requirements for parents in our every day lives, and many of us just don't. We give and give to our kids, and they happily take. Often, I will feel like I am sacrificing everything to be a parent, like I am losing myself to be the best parent I can be because you know, they NEED every ounce of us. After all, it's an 18 year full time job. We invest ourselves in learning how to parent, and often times can become consumed by it.

What I am realizing that if I don't meet my own needs, if I don't mentally give myself a time out every day, then I find myself not as patient, or exasperated with my teens/tween. Joseph Chilton Pearce said "What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become." In other words, we need to learn how to balance our lives in a way where our needs are being met, and we are thriving, so that we can then show our children that it is possible.

I have been watching my hubby lately with his full, fast and frenzied schedule, who isn't getting enough rest, regular meals, and choosing not to give himself time to relax. He then isn't able to really respond enthusiastically or well to the needs of the kids, OR me. So many parents do this. They eliminate making time for fun in their lives, and then get edgy with the kids who want so much of your time. It's overwhelming, dealing with the challenges of simply listening to our kids sometimes.

I have been there.. I am often there all the time, and it's simply a lose/lose with my kids. I will find myself nagging, threatening, yelling, making demands, and doling out rewards and punishments... until I come to point of total exhaustion. Does any of this sound familiar?

When I was growing up, my mom allowed her own needs to go unmet for so long that she became resentful. As a child, I realized rather quickly her "sacrifices" and felt guilty about receiving from her. I only wanted to please her. After I grew up, she still had my sisters to raise, as well as step children, and she was completely burned out with parenting. She came to a sputtering stop, and began taking care of her own needs, but dropping the ball on being there for her family. She wasn't able to balance herself, so then her children became resentful of Her. They saw her as being selfish, and it has caused a negative snowball reaction of estranged family. I watched it all unfold from a distance because by then, I was busy creating my own family.

I did not/ DO not want this to happen to me. So I have given myself a task of learning my own warning signs that I am not taking care of myself. It's a challenge! It means I have to make a commitment and be determined to set aside my old habits of self-denial and self sacrifice. I am learning slowly to create new habits of self acceptance and self respect. Where I am failing, is that I wait until my tank is on empty, and then it's hard to get motivated to get back up to where I need to be. The book I am reading "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict Into Co-operation" gives this advice for when this happens :#1. Notice the warning signs that you are run down or about to do/say something you will regret. #2. Pause and take a few deep breaths, and #3, take time IN to connect with yourself.

Carl Jung says "If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."

So that is what I am focusing on right now as a parent. I would love to hear from other parents how they are managing to balance themselves so that they don't burn out. I welcome new ideas that may help me! :)

Thankful

Today is an emotional one for me. I need to tune into my inner guidance this morning, and listen to my intuitiveness. I wonder how much of our emotional state is given to us from our parents? I mean in a hereditary way? Both of my biological parents are incredibly sensitive. They have such deep feelings, both passionately believe in their own belief systems. Both of them are serious natured, most of the time. Deeply philosophical. Did I get it from them? OR was it learned over my lifetime? They both also have gigantic love in their hearts. They each express their love in their own ways, but let me tell you, you can feel it.
Did I get that from them? mmm Maybe partly.

I learned compassion and empathy from my mother. I learned the deep love of Jesus from my father. They might not like the choices I have made in regards to not following their religious paths, but they did give me this, and I honor their beliefs, and I will carry it happily.

I have another father, my dad, who raised me since I was 6, and I received the MOST incredible life lessons from him. Patience, love for our earth, and a light heartedness that I am the most thankful for.
So I pass it down.

It's amazing to witness all of this in my children, but what is even more amazing is watching them learn to push through their own fears. Something I didn't learn from my parents. It is so easy to get caught up in the fear of our everyday lives, of money, of relationship, of parenting, of work. We forget to be Thankful. When you live in fear, you forget how good you actually have it. It's easy to get caught up in the drama, it takes a strong person to push through that fear, and find your own light in the darkness. If you don't push through it, your fear builds, and creates havoc on your immune system, emotional state, and crawls into every area of your life. So If there is one thing I am proud of, it is giving my children the tools to persevere.

I am curious as to how my newest little child will learn and grow from us, from a mom and a dad that are united in love and KNOW how blessed we are. Who share the same beliefs, who share the same beliefs. I can't wait to see who she will be. I didn't have that growing up, so it can only get better.

So right now, I am Thankful. I am blessed. I know this.

Giving

The wind is howling outside. It makes an eery sound, whistling through the screens on our windows, shaking the chimes hanging on our porch violently. The air bites my face, almost burning it. The sky is ominous, with black and gray clouds moving steadily all together in one direction, swiftly. So cold. A good day to be inside.

As I am finally sitting in my warm car listening to Sarah McLachlan's Drawn to the Rhythm on my way to an appointment, I spot him. Standing there on a corner holding a cardboard sign, wrapped in an old thin coat, and shivering. His face inscrutable, but the eyes, those eyes tell another story. Of longing, of sadness, of despair, of desperation. People honk at him, and he willingly obeys, walking over to the vehicles, taking handouts from the drivers. He smiles and thanks each person, without looking at what he is handed, stuffing the bills into his pocket.
I feel a heaviness come over my heart. Here I am sitting toasty and warm in my car, and I am watching a man beg in the biting, freezing winter's wind. I take out the only bill in my wallet, a $10.00 and I wonder for a moment, if it will help him in some small way. Will he use it to feed himself, or a potential family? Will he buy drugs or alcohol?
Does it matter? Really? I am blessed with food, shelter, and love. I rolled down my window and beckoned him over, and he nodded at me. He took the money I offered him, and instead of stuffing it in his pocket, he looked at it, which I wasn't expecting. He jerked his eyes up to find mine, and surprise registered on his face. He quickly grabbed my hand, and took my warm fingers into his icy hand, and thanked me, blessed me, and said to have a blessed holidays. A tear formed in his eye, and he brushed it away, as I smiled and drove away. Looking in the rear view mirror, I see him watching me drive away, before he turned back to his task of begging the drivers behind me.
Did I make a difference? Will he be OK? I don't know.
I wish I had had something tangible to give. Such as a bowl of soup, or a sandwich. But I didn't. I don't.
I can only hope he will find somewhere warm to go to, and someday soon he will not have to stand on the corner,with a shabby piece of cardboard stating that he is homeless, in the biting angry wind and beg for money from drivers driving by. That is my wish for him. My wish for all the people like him.
May I be reminded of how blessed I am. May we all be reminded.

(Picture from Portland Rescue Mission)

Breathe

This is where I am Today. This is all I can do, each and every moment. It's my only way out of my own insanity. Its the only thing I can do to stay balanced.

Christmas Crazy!!

We had a 5 inch black and white TV. I slept on the bed that also converted to the dining table seat. We lived in a camp trailer on the banks of the Columbia River in Rowena, Oregon. My mom was pregnant with a baby, and for the moment, it was just the two of us. I was 6 years old. She was just 25.

When my mom got to the point of being close to delivering her baby in mid December, we moved to my mom's friend's house temporarily. It had gotten so cold, and she couldn't afford the propane to heat our little place. I brought along my two prized possessions, a Kermit the Frog who could wrap his arms and legs around you with velcro, and a Holly Hobby that was my rag doll.

I stayed in my mom's friend's son's room,(we will call him Max.) where he had shelves and boxes full of toys, and books. I was in awe at all his "stuff", even if it was for BOYS. Being an only child, Max had a hard time sharing, and I was sooo jealous.

The night before Christmas I played a bunny in the local church play, and the church handed my mom a box full of food for a Christmas dinner. My mom was embarrassed, but thankful. She handed it right over to her friend as a payment thank you for allowing us to stay there.
I had a little stocking, and I so hoped Santa Claus was going to come. Both Max and I tried to stay up all night, and listen for Santa, and we both heard him clearly. He exclaimed that our room was a mess. That was it. "What a messy room!" he said. We were ashamed. I was terrified that Santa had decided I had been bad because of Max's messy room, and I cried for the rest of the night.

In the morning, my mom wasn't there. She was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. I wanted to go and see her right away, to meet my baby sibling, but no one would take me to her. Instead the grown ups re-directed me to my stocking, and the Christmas tree. The tree was LOADED with gifts, and my 6 year old heart was warmed by the thought that maybe I hadn't been so bad after all.

In my stocking was some candy, and a small plastic Victorian style doll. Her eyes opened and closed when you laid her down or stood her up. I examined her, and moved her arms and legs, which immediately popped out of their sockets. I wasn't impressed. Nothing compared to my Holly Hobby rag doll. But I was smart enough to feign joy. I had gotten really good at lying and saying that my tears were tears of gladness.

Max's stocking was overflowing.

All the presents but one under the tree were for Max's family. I opened my one pretty package, which said "From Santa", and I opened up a flannel red plaid ruffly nightgown. I didn't know what to say. I WAS thankful for a nice warm nightgown. BUT at 6 years of age I saw the unfairness right away, and began to question everything. Maybe I was bad after all.

My thoughts turned to my mom, who I was missing sorely. SHE would have cuddled me. SHE would have helped to make everything better, because we were a team. AND she was having my baby sister, who I couldn't wait to meet. She was going to be our present.

Several days later, when my mom finally did come home, she came home without our baby. I didn't understand! I had so hoped for a sister to be my best friend. Mom looked so sad. She came home empty handed. She had given our baby to a childless couple. She said it was the best Christmas gift she could offer this family who couldn't have someone like me. She said She was blessed with me. the reality was, she didn't think she could afford to raise this baby. Her friend that we lived with convinced her that it was the moral thing to do. I was devastated. That was supposed to be MY Christmas gift. Which would have been the best gift ever.

That year was the hardest Christmas we had ever had. Being poor. Feeling shamed. There were so many lessons for me as a child there. So many lessons for my mom.

The great thing is, I am not in that same place now. Neither is my mother. But there ARE kids who are. Kids who are on some corporate wish list because their family can't afford to give them anything. Things like sweaters, and socks, and warm winter coats.

My friend over at Burghbaby is taking this Christmas into her own hands, and has created Christmas Crazy! Her goal is to raise $1000.00 so that she can go out and buy some kick ass toys to stuff a toy drive bus for kids that were just like me that year.
So, if you have anything to give, I would be entirely grateful if you would go a little Crazy for Christmas, and support the fund. I promise it will make you feel better. And I promise, she won't be buying some little plastic doll whose arms and legs simply fall out of their sockets. go CHRISTMAS CRAZY!!

Opening

Life has taken us all by storm, and has begun to whirl us around like a cartwheel. We are in a momentum that shows no sign of slowing. It is November, and the year has swirled by me so incredibly fast that it is feeling like a constant state of adaptation. Preparing for a baby creates an inner chaos for all of my family.

Memories are resurfacing for me. Memories of my childhood, of my former pregnancies, and all that was a part of creating it. Nostalgic, saddened, joyful views flood my consciousness, and I feel like I am living within the walls of my memories that I had once forgotten, not locked in, no... but a state of daydreams of re-memberings.

Lessons are being learned, compassion for my child self. Understandings of my mother, of my former husband, and his family. Curiosity of my future with my beloved and this new life we have created together. Making peace with my children, when they are going through the same things I did when I was their age. Appreciation of those children of mine. My heart swelling with love for them. Noticing all that I am blessed with.

I sit back as if I am watching a movie of my life, as it is played on a reality channel, and I revel in the thought that this is OK. Or This needs to change. Or whispering the word "Peace" to myself to calm my heart when it is troubled.

As I said to a friend in an email "It seems for me, right now, I am doing my work. Not my life's work, but some emotional, relationship work. Maybe I analyze myself and my misgivings too much. Maybe I try to have some kind of control over situations where it's not meant to be. But I try to figure myself out. Constantly. Does that make sense?"

I hear my higher self whispering to me "OPEN" Open. So that's all I can do. Open.

Settling in

The last few weeks have been a lesson unto themselves, and learning to navigate my own unpaved roads has made it a journey that is both vastly intimidating, as well as an adventure I wouldn't have any other way.

The wise say that "God only gives you as much as you can handle". I truly believe that is partly true. I want to add that The UNIVERSE gives you exactly what you need at exactly the right time. You make the choice to use the tools in your toolbox that you are equipped with, or you struggle.

The weddings I have been officiating have been such a gift this year. I so enjoyed each and everyone of them. Each and every person I came into contact with, and If I could do that everyday, I think it would be the best job in the world.

As the weather gets colder I find myself shedding that summer life, that open, loud, exuberant Dina, and allow space for the introspective, soft, curious woman to move forward. As my body responds to this amazing miracle of growing a person, and as I surrender to it, letting there be joy in the ever expandion of my body, the roundness of my cheeks, and saying yes to my body's needs instead of fighting it, I settle in.
Settling in to the dark of the coming winter. Settling in to allowing for Spirit to completely take over my life. Settling in to joy of this coming miracle that everyone around me is so excited about.
Settling in and remembering to breathe.

Hubby and I have decided to take the reins of this pregnancy and are standing against mainstream birthing. We are choosing to make this a spiritual experience. We are walking toward a better understanding of each others needs, and that means our communication has become wide open.
We found an excellent tool to help us achieve this process called "Hypnobabies", and are both so delighted and excited to be going through this class. The facilitator is fantastic, and we have asked her to be our Doula as well.
This birthing process reminds me of all I have been through lately. That process of becoming born. Of Growing, and changing, of evolving. Of surrendering to the unknown. Of letting there be space for whatever is meant to be, and just experiencing every moment.

As I sit by the window right at this very moment watching the glow of the sun fading to the other side of the world, and seeing the bare naked trees shadowed in the foreground. Feeling the chill of the night air seeping through, we welcome the night. The time of the dark. Where everyone and everything goes to asleep. As fall evolves into winter we settle in. we hibernate, we snuggle together. We find quiet treasures, and for me, I simply wait.

Opening our own cages

What does it mean to be a wise woman? Can anyone be wise? Does the wisdom come from within, or without? Does a woman learn from her mother line, her family, her village, her community, her world? I believe all of it.

When I lived in Washington, I belonged to a group of mindful, playful women who named themselves the Holy Ho-Ho's, fashioned after the Ya- Ya sisters. These women would come together every other week, meditate, pray, hold hands, sing, and love each other. They would giggle, be naughty minded, and share. They would cry, comfort, and be there for others. It was the best experience someone like me could possibly have.
This group of women became my sisters, and my mamas.

At the time my own mother and mother line was pretty much non-existent for me to learn and grow from. I was the daughter of a broken woman, who was the daughter of a professionally driven but suppressed mother, who was the daughter of a deeply depressed and bitter woman. I can't go any farther back, because I don't know my mother line story. It is something I would like to work on.

The back story:

My mother was so incredibly young when she had me. I would like to say that she did the very best that she could, given her circumstances. At one point in her life she had had enough responsibility of caring for me... maybe it was too hard, maybe she wanted to play, I don't really know the story, because I have never heard her honest truth. Through a period of time in my 5th year of life, and through a tumble of passing Dina off to other family members for a while, I landed back in her life a changed little girl. I didn't trust. I didn't feel safe. I was so incredibly serious. I was sad.

My mom's story became more entangled, confusing, and her life came splitting apart like shards of glass. She made decisions based on survival and security, even when it went against what would make her happy. She said she did it all for me. She had the soul of a free spirited gypsy and after she made those choices, she felt like she was trapped in a cage, and started to numb her very own existence by making unhealthy choices.

I didn't receive any more wisdom from that point on. I was on my own. But now I had two sisters and a step father (who is the most amazing man, by the way).

When I became an adult and moved out on my own, I had so much suppressed anger and bitterness toward her. I subscribed to the drama, I had a gigantic chip on my shoulder, and I blamed her. I was determined to break the chain of her parenting skills, and of her unhealthy choices. Regardless,I started to make the some of the same choices that she had. I landed myself in a situation out of security and survival. I too became a trapped free spirit in a cage of my own creation, and numbly lived my existence. I felt completely alone.


But I was also living a double life. I was searching for meaning, for a purpose. My girlfriends were my saving grace. I explored religion, philosophy, theology, and mama wisdom with them. I started going to a New Thought Center, because I longed for community. I joined a book circle, and read the book "The Woman with the Alabaster Jar". I fell into a group of these incredibly powerful , beautiful, loving, and soulful people who taught me a whole new perspective on life. I thrived in this community. I started to see a spark of hope and life. I was invited to join this women's prayer circle, the Holy Ho-ho's. I was told by a special woman who had tears in her eyes: "You are the one we have been waiting for". So I joined. I learned, I grew , and I loved.

A little ways into this prayer circle I started meeting other women from other communities. I joined new communities, where I was taught amazing woman wisdom, sister wisdom, mama wisdom. Stuff I NEVER learned from my own mother. And so the light within grew. I stopped being bitter, resentful. I reformed a tentative relationship with my mother, knowing that her unhealthy choices made her who she was, and she wasn't willing to change... but that she had a good heart underneath. I found the key to my own cage and unlocked it. It was extremely difficult to step out of my life.

But I did. I am so thankful to the wisdom of those women, those sages. They helped to shape who I am . They helped me to shake free of my beliefs, and live with an open heart. They are mamas and sisters.

I am now in the process of creating something like that here in this new place. To create a community. To share together, learn together, live with an open heart together. To laugh, and to play, and to shift what doesn't belong.

The other day I received this incredibly little lesson in my inbox. its about 11 minutes long, and wonderful. I encourage you to take a moment, make a cup of tea, and just listen. There are 4 more parts to this video. I will post them later. Blessings.

The journey of 2500 miles

This past weekend was an emotional one. I traveled back into my past, to move forward into my future.
That said, it wasn't easy. It was like walking into a tunnel knowing that there was a light on the other side, but it was so far away that I couldn't yet see it.
There were high highs, and one incredibly low low.

Flying into Seattle on my own was exciting. I walked the blocks and tucked into different stores to look for treasures. I walked along the waterfront and smelled the water. I people watched. I found a treasure for my friend and enjoyed conversations with perfect strangers.

I met a soul sister in Seattle for the very first time. We have known each other for almost 5 years, and I adore her. It was her 45Th birthday and we shared time trading stories of love, sadness, hope, and joys. We watched a sunset together and had a delightful meal. I wish I could see her more often.

I saw my baby sister and met her beloved for the first time. To see my sister totally grown up, in love, and a complete woman astounded me. She has always been a little girl to me, and it is an adjustment to acknowledge her own transformation. But she is a woman, beautiful, strong, powerful, and adorable. Her man is lucky to have her. I think he knows. They made a sweet pair, and I could tell there was an easy compatibility that is always nice to have in a relationship.

I drove down from Seattle Washington to Kalama Washington to visit my Nana and Papa. The drive was amazing, and throughout the experience of the drive I felt it. "Home. Home. Home." It thudded into my heart, in my veins, and flooded into my soul. The gigantic evergreen trees made me cry, and it was powerful to feel utterly and completely at home.

Seeing my Nana and Papa was nice. Knowing that each moment with them at this point in their lives is a gift, and I treasured the time I spent, listening to the stories of catching Salmon, new great grand kids and a brand new GREAT GREAT grand baby. They are snowbirds and will travel to California where they will golf, and play with their buddies for 6 months in the warm sunshine. So beautiful to notice the things that are important to them, the way they are able to go with the flow, and just be. It is a lesson and a gift just to know them.

I drove down to Vancouver Washington and met up with an old friend that had asked me to officiate her wedding to the love of her life. Seeing her was fun, bringing back memories and amazed me at the growth of her own children. Visiting with her mom, and realizing that I only knew her as "Mom", and not her name made me laugh, realizing that I had known this family for a long time.
Her boys were excited, anxious and typical teenagers who were about to finally have a dad for really, the first time. It was a magical moment to watch them all play together, and to see my friend, and I was glad that I was there to help them perform this wedding.

I met up with my other sister and her husband and we shared a dinner and light hearted conversation. I noticed how incredibly different My sisters and I all are. We all have different journeys, different expectations and different things that are important to us. Trying to find the common thread could be difficult if you didn't know us, but it was there, quietly interwoven. A past history, perhaps. A love for our father, maybe. Just being sisters? Possibly. This sister is established in her home, career, and marriage. She positively lit UP discussing the possibility of starting a family. It was so sweet and exciting to listen to her anticipation of what becoming a mother would be like. I can't wait to watch that experience unfold for her and her husband.

I finally made it to my Adopted Mama Cathy's house and visited with her long into the night. She let me ramble. Let me share, and let me just be with all of my turbulence. She held my hand, placed her hand on my swollen belly, and hugged me until tears were in both our eyes. It was her gift to me to let me stay with her and her husband Curt during my visit.

The next day I got to see my sister again, along with our dad, and it was like time was non existent, sharing as if it had only been a few weeks instead of a year. It was awesome seeing my dad, and I realized how very much I missed him. He brought me apples to share with my friends while I was visiting, and gave me his side hug.

I officiated my friends wedding, and it was beautiful. I really thought that I could maintain dry eyes, and be slightly detached, but seeing both my friend and her beloved with tears streaming down their faves, choked me up. Their words to each other were amazing. They have real, heartfelt love. This was the one they have always waited for, and I was honored to share in their moment.

Afterward I drove up to see a family that has always been dear to my heart, and I sat in their home, listening to the kids share with me, watching love sweep through the room. There was peace in that home, and a love for each other. It was a blessing to be among them.
My heart was tender being there, because this was my old best friend, my soul sister, and she seems so happy in her new life. She is content, complete, and living in joy. She is established, and confident. I am proud of her.
Another dear soul sister, my other best friend was also there, staying the night, and sharing in a visit. What a gift to see the love between them, for each other, and to be in their presence. I was blessed.

The following day I needed to just rest. I had been going non stop for 3 solid days, and I was exhausted. Mama Cathy put together a baby blessing, which you can read about HERE.
The day was awesome, and I was glad to be in the present moment. Seeing everyone was such a gift all in it's own.

Driving to the airport the next morning was incredible. Watching the sunrise as I drove, seeing the fog swirl on the landscape, and frost on the fields, the mountains with their purple peaks, Mt. St. Helens looking like a giant scoop of ice cream with a smaller scoop taken out of the top, and Mt. Ranier gigantic in the distance, I was in awe of the incredible place that I have lived for most of my life.
I had been blessed to be living in God's country. It was a magical place. The people, the places, the beauty is incredible. I will always always love it there. I miss it tremendously. I wish I could bring my family back to live there with all of my heart.
But not for the reasons you might think.
I realized in my journey that the very heart of why I wanted to be there in the first place, ended up not being as important as I thought. It was the beauty and magic of the Pacific Northwest that I had really longed for. Everything else was a bonus.

Life goes on without me, and I realized that people have indeed moved on. I felt and saw the space that has been created by time and distance of not being there. Some friends made time to see me, but it wasn't like I thought it would be. I am not sure what I expected, but I let myself be incredibly disappointed. I didn't live in the moment, and I had expectations that weren't met. This isn't any one's fault, just my incredibly raw, tender heart grieving the slow death of what was. I felt out of place in some places, a third wheel in others. I realized that my chapter in some of my dear friends lives is almost over, and to know that saddens me.

Of course I was blessed to make the journey, blessed to see everyone, blessed to be with people that I love.
I am thankful for the process of growth, for the truth of knowing that I will grow through this dark time of losing friends, of knowing that my heart will continue to open wider to the lesson.
And I will move forward to a new place, in a new direction, and a new me.

What do you Love?

As part of my wedding ceremonies, I include a special piece that is always the couple's favorites. It was given by permission from the wise woman who ordained me as a Minister, and Married my husband and me.
I ask each of the couples individually "What do you love most about your fiance?" And the answers I get are incredibly interesting. Sometimes I laugh, because it's adorable, and sometimes I get all choked up, but I always respect their words, thoughts, and beliefs. This, shows me the deep insides of their relationship. Their respect for each other. It is truly beautiful.

It shows me the differences in men and women, and how they think. It shows me where the couple is aligned, and where they are totally different from each other, somehow making it work.
Often, I share these Love stories with my husband, who doesn't say much in response, other than to chuckle, or say "Awesome". But it is enough. I remember the things that he loves about me shared with me in our marriage ceremony, and I was so touched that this incredibly private man of mine, would feel comfortable about opening his soul and sharing it with someone he didn't know. (Our Minister).

So I am going to share with you a few totally abstract couples, and show you what I mean:
Couple 1:
Groom's email to me:

Hi Rev. Dina,

I am soooooo excited about being with Bride for the rest of my life. She truly has filled my life with true happiness, unforgettable memories, and a sense of peace and certainty.

There are like way more than 5 things and it is really hard to bring it down to five. But here goes...

I love her caring nature and her love for the world around her, especially wiggly worms.
I love the beauty of her dimply smiles and the giggles which accompany them.
I love booping her nose followed by a sweet "Simba" across her forehead
I love her delicious taste in music
I love six kisses in the morning and our secret handshake.
I love the calming sound of her heart beating

Sorry that I had a six things (and a couple compound I love yous) but they are all very important.
I CAN'T WAIT!
Thank you so much for being so nice and making this a reality for us. It really means a lot.

Bride:
What I love most about Groom is that he always saves me the slice of pizza with the biggest bubble on the crust. I know that may sound strange but it's an example of how he always thinks of me before himself. I love how he likes to go on adventures with me, play with worms and have ghostsock wars. I love the way he looks into my eyes knowing that I love him as much as he loves me. I also love that in loving him he has made me love myself again. He is the kindest, sweetest, most honest man I have ever met and I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life.

Interesting, huh? But yet you see the silliness, and the almost innocent love that they have for each other.

Now here is the next couple who are about 15-20 years older:
Groom:
Hello Dina,
This is acutally harder than i first thought, trying to put to words what i love about Bride. Bride is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen (she rolls her eyes at me evertime i tell her that) but there is more to her than just physical beauty there is a beauty that is deep down in her soul. You can see it through her eyes. The moment i saw her i knew she was the one i had been searching for. I also knew in that moment that i loved her , i had always loved her.
What i love most about her is her soul. There is a beauty there that is the greatest thing i have ever experienced. Have you ever been just walking along, look up and find yourself in the perfect sunset? That moment of pure beauty. That moment that takes your breath away as you stare it. I get that feeling everytime i see her. I see it when she is asleep on the couch with her head on my shoulder, when she is yelling at the kids or cheering them on in a game. That brightness to her soul comes out through her eyes and brightens my soul. She is a rarity, her inner beauty matches her outer beauty.
I consider myself the luckiest man in the world. She is the best thing to have ever happened. i can only hope that i can make her as happy as she makes me.

And Bride:
Dear Mrs. Rev. Dina
So...I've been staring at this thing for a couple days and I'm not quite sure how to put it into words. Of course, I love the way he hugs/holds me, especially when things aren't going so well, you know, the kind that says things are going to be ok. I love his smile, the sheepish way he grins and winks when I catch him staring at me. But his whole being is what I find so amazing...I can't narrow it down. When I first saw him, looked into his eyes, I knew that he was the other half of my soul and I was in love, that he was the one I've been looking for my entire life. I'm not sure if it was fate or luck t hat brought us together, but I've never felt so complete. We have such an amazing connection...Grrom's been known to complete my thoughts and finish my sentence, and it's totally what I was thinking. I just love HIM : )

TWO incredibly different couples, and I love them both.

Most of my grooms want to write me a book of the thousand things they love about their brides. I SO love that, and I am honored to be a part of their love story, even though Its only for a brief moment. What a blessing it is for me to share these sacred moments with them. LOVE it.

Traveling to the Past to figure out the future.

Next week I am taking a trip to the West Coast. I lived there my entire life, and love every inch of it. It will probably always be referred to as "Home". I haven't been out there since last August, when Hubby and I were married.

Normally,over the past three years, I would head out there every 6 months or so to collect my children who would be visiting their father. It was my excuse to get to see everyone, under the camouflage of not wanting my kids to fly alone.

This year I stayed in Pittsburgh every time they traveled. It was hard, and I was obsessed with making sure they were safe. I could have easily flown out there to see everyone when it was time for the kids visit to end, but I didn't.

Things have changed for me. Oh sure, I miss everyone, and I was embedded in school, with no vacation from it in sight. But I really didn't have a reason to go.

What happened?

Life. All my family and friends have lives of their own to live. They aren't holding my hand, they aren't at my beck and call, they are busy raising families, adapting to new relationships, traveling, and living! They obviously can't come out and see me.

Right now, I feel and see where my ego is getting in the way. I want to say "Hey! You all forgot about me!" But really, no one out there did. Life simply goes on.
I won't pretend that I am not a LEO and say that it doesn't hurt. Because it does. But it is a process that I am learning to roll with. Over and over again. My ego, it is roaring ferociously. I have also been enabling it.

So next week will be a week of traveling, essentially backward, and yet forward at the same time. I will be traveling to see my past, accepting the present and embracing the future.
I will give love to those that want to spend time with me, and I will send love and best wishes for those that can't, or don't want to. I will learn to move on. I will embrace the now of every moment while I am there, and find the beauty of just being able to be "there" again.
And I will come back to my new home and look toward the future.

I have one final trip planned for the west coast, and that is after Baby McGee makes her entrance. After that, I lay my life map opened for discovery.

I keep being reminded of my other writings of standing on the edge of the cliff, and the world behind me falling away. Its sad for me, and I am grieving, but as in all things, my life is a journey. I can't expect everything and everyone to stay the same. Growth happens. I surrender to it.

Taking time out to freak out.

This morning in my inbox I received this wisdom :

Silence
In the ocean of silence you may discover your eternal treasures of peace, love and happiness. In silence, you can let bad feelings and past sorrows dissolve. In silence you can hear the whisper of God saying "Come child and rest with Me. You are a peaceful soul."


This morning I have been emotional. Snippy, tested, annoyed, and overwhelmed. I have been running like... as my husband called me "A Whirling Dervish". In different instances he is correct. I had been tested through the MBA program that I have finally finished. During that time, everything seemed to take a back seat. Don't get me wrong, I was still me, mommy, wife, Minister, jailer, attorney, housekeeper, personal chef, Tutor, Nurse, Veterinarian.. And the list goes on. But really, I was in Zombie mode. I didn't really LOOK at anything closely. Life swept by me, a blurry haze. My eyes were on the prize of a diploma from my University, and as much as I dragged my feet through it all, I wanted so badly to finish it.

Now that it is all done, it literally took 1 solid day for the cobwebs to be cleared from my eyes, and for me to see the reality of what has been happening around my home without me essentially. Like I said, I was there, but really, I wasn't.

My house had turned upside down. Literally. My kids freedoms were WAY too lenient. My Husband was taxed to the brink of insanity trying to hold it all together. The animals had lost all their behavioral training. The basement was Growing a life of its own, and it was in a sad sad state ready to start mutiny on me. My bedroom? I don't even want to go there. How. HOW could I have literally let it all go? I didn't have a full time job, I had time to keep it together, right?? I mean I do full time here, but not out in the real world with a real paycheck, other than being a minister.

I am embarrassed, I am frantic, and I am feeling overwhelmed to say the least. All of a sudden, I realized that there is a new baby coming into existence in three months. I will have FOUR children!!! We don't have a place for her yet, because the wannabe nursery is filled with boxes of CRAP. All of the projects in my house are 50% finished. The laundry is going to swallow me alive. I have 7 weddings to prepare for and a trip to the west coast a week from today. My online Mommy-blogger girly friend Burghbaby Just dropped a bombshell and reminded me that the holidays are FAST approaching like a speed train.

SO I rolled up my sleeves and began this week to set my world upright. I have been going break neck speed trying to right everything, and Hubby says "Welcome Back!" in one breath, and relax! in the next. My friends say relax. My sister says relax! My mother says "Sit your ass down, put your feet up, drink a cup of tea, read a book, and RELAX, or I will come out there and make you!!" *Shudder* (she will too.)

SO this morning it all caught up to me, and I sat on my couch and just cried. and cried. (Which I hate, because it makes me cranky and sleepy in the evening) My puppy immediately put his big head on my belly and looked up at me concerned... Until the baby kicked him in the neck.

I sat in the silence and took a few.. ok Several deep breaths. I remembered the wisdom that I had received earlier and tried to find my own peace. I realize that no matter what it will all be OK. I know that. That I can only do as much as I can do, and that I will have to create a balance to make everything work. I know that stress doesn't help. Saying all of this doesn't stop me from freaking out, but at least I KNOW what I am supposed to be doing.

It does, however give me a diversion with all the other emotional stuff that is up and sitting in my throat, which I would rather focus on, but everything else doesn't leave me much time to sit and whine and mope.
So off I go to finish the 4503q9 loads of laundry, fold and put away the mess in my room, and scrub the bathroom shower. (Can we just say EWWW!) At least It's a start.

Passing the time

I know, I know I haven't written anything meaningful this week. I am on my final week of my MBA and working on a 40 page exam paper. Kinda busy. THought I would tak a minute though and post something that might make you think. I will get back to writing the "me stuff" next week. Until then,
Enjoy!

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

KarmaTube: Dan Reed - The Dictator

KarmaTube: Dan Reed - The Dictator

Shared via AddThis

Ripeness

Watching California's forests, and family homes be destroyed by fire is not something I normally care to see. Especially knowing that I have loved ones that live there. But you have to admit, it is stunning to watch.
The Fire that burns everything to the ground, is actually so incredibly good for our earth. It reinvigorates the earth for new growth. Like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes. It forces change, welcome or not to the people affected by it. Starting over, new beginnings. You can't go backward.

My goal this week has been to find the beauty in absolutely everything. I need it right now as there is so much on my plate. I won't commiserate with you today, because that would be NOT practicing what I just made a promise for myself to do. Instead I will say, that all of this LIFE causes me to really step back, reflect, and readjust. School is on the front burner. It is at a rapid boil, and it is almost done and ready to take it off the stove. Forever. I will be so thankful that that chapter is firmly closed, even though It will be a springboard for my new growth, when I am ready to move in that direction. For now, I am grateful that it challenges me beyond anything I have ever done. It pushes me to continue even when I don't want to anymore. Its that climb to the top of the hill. I can complain about how hard it is, that my legs are aching, that I need to stop, and take a rest. But this final class is like Jillian on the Biggest Loser. She won't let me quit.

For now, I sit in grace. In love. In a swirling atmosphere of vibration. Children, animals, lover/husband, unborn child, family situations too tender to share about. Weddings galore, preparations for the fall. School. The list goes on and on. My life is abundantly full, and I feel myself ripening as a harvest pumpkin, like a moon waxing, like the tide of the ocean coming in.
All I need to remember right now is to simply breathe. And so I do.
Breathing in deeper, breathing out slower.
Aho.

Mama Gaia is in tears

Photograph by Michael Nolan

I saw this picture today, and it really struck me. We look at Global Warming, and its becoming such an everyday phrase. It seems that more and more people understand the need to do whatever it takes to protect our planet, but we aren't all united in this act. Countries all over the world are 10 times worse that we in America. They don't have the resources or the know how to make the changes. For them, it comes down to money, which they don't have and desperately need.
Here in our own country, we get it, we understand it, but not everyone is willing to step it up and be conscious. There are some conservatives that don't even believe that this is really Global Warming. That instead its the evolution of a planet, that its a life cycle.

Here in my own city, Pittsburgh. I cringe every time I see people throwing paper away. Throwing recyclables IN THE GARBAGE. It's everywhere. The city has free recycling for its residents, yet they aren't utilizing it to its true potential.
Here in the outskirts, we are JUST now starting to use recycling in more depth.
But it's not JUST recycling. It's the cars that we use. Its the toxins that our countries put into the atmosphere. Its just. ..Everything.

So when I saw this photo this morning, I realized how very perfect it is to see the face of Mother Gaia crying in a receding Ice shelf.
It's devastating.

Paying attention

Yesterday, I took a walk with Bodhi, and the world in my little neighborhood was quiet. What was interesting for me, was that I was able to take in so many things, little tiny details that makes life what it is. There is so much appreciation, and I was able to really honor all of it.

The sound of the trees with the leaves drying out, and crackling up against each other. The green ones waving to me. The leaves that I stepped on, on the ground that crunched under my feet. The bumblebees still flitting from flower to flower grabbing as much nectar as they can before the flowers die.

The snap of the random flags flying over people's houses in the breeze. The sunlight shining down making my eyes squint because I had forgotten my glasses. The smells of the Earth, of the greenery, of the fabric softener from someones dryer vent.

The different birds chirping on the wires, above me, on the trees, flying through the air. the chipmunk scampering across the street into the bushes for safety. the Baby Hawk that loves to sit near my house, and speak its song.

I really enjoyed this small moment. Every little piece that makes our world hum. And this morning, as I let Bodhi out to go to do his morning ritual, I stood on the deck before dawn and saw the crescent moon and the Bright North Star shining together, like two friends holding court over our world. Looking up, I saw all the stars, and as I looked around I saw all of us, as these tiny inhabitants on this massive world.
I said my morning prayer, giving thanks to the One Above, and all around, and stood there, shivering in the early morning air.

Later, I kept an eye on the sunrise, and tried to capture the beauty on my camera. The camera just doesn't do it justice.

I am so blessed. Amidst all the chaos, as fast as my life spins, I was able to take a moment in the stillness, and be thankful.

This. Is. Me.

For 36 years I have been known to the people in my little world by so many names. I was born Dinelle Jean (My mom likes to pronounce it like Shean, to make me sound exotic except for when I am in trouble.) I grew up as Dina, and Dinelle became my alter ego. I never really use it.

Now, I am ready to explore "Dinelle". It is to be a journey for me. I will be using this sight to post my thoughts, my feelings, my ups and my downs. It might not make sense to you, but it will be more of a self discovery. I think it might be pretty spectacular.
This journey, the one I am continuously on, seems to always be winding down to something. Just when I think its going to settle into something monotonous, I find myself thrown back into the rapids of the river. The water slashing over my head, a bumpy ride while being swiftly carried downstream. Sometimes I go deep down underwater where everything is mumbled and discombobulated, and I can't breathe, and I don't know which way is up, when suddenly hands reach in and pull me to safety.
There are other times where it is me pulling someone else out of the water. the ebb and the flow.
Today, however I am floating along, but the water is swift, and I am terrified of really letting go, of seeing where I go.

I have posted here, all of my blog posts that I have written on my family blog for the last two years. It is all my personal story, my journey. Some very deep, some shallow, but it is all me. I decided to pull it off the family blog, because, really it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of them.
This is my space. For reflection for pondering, for ranting. It probably won't be every day, but you never know!
For updates on my family blog you can go HERE
For now this is me. I hope you can take the time to go back and get to know who I am. And, it would be awesome if you would send me a comment as feedback for my writing.
Blessings!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. 09-10-09

Last night was the straw that broke this camel's back. I'm gonna rant, and if you don't like it, don't read it.

What the hell has happened to America? I'm again ashamed. Yes, we have free choice, we have free speech, and we can voice our opinion without consequences. That's all fine and dandy, but come ON!

The Health Care Debate. The National Address to the school kids. ANY State of The Union Address. It's all politics, and politics is even uglier now than it ever has been. It's shameful the way people are acting these days. I don't understand, and the worse it gets, the less it seems likely that it will ever get better. I'm not going to defend the Heath Care reform. I don't know that much about it to voice an opinion. The only thing that I will say is that I DO know that it is NOT socialism. Shut up!

When I was a kid, my teachers expected us to watch any Address that the President gave on television. Not only that, but we were required to write a paper on it, AND write what the other side might be saying. It was homework. We had to be up on Current Events. It was important. We were taught to respect our National leader, regardless if our parents voted for them or not. It's the President of The United States, People!! My mom, even if she didn't like who was the President, would sit down and watch. She would expect me to as well. I hated it as a kid. How boring! It was dull to me. But I did it. According to my children's school's, my children don't have to watch. They don't have to write a paper. They don't have to talk about it.

Kids these days are not expected to listen. Many schools kept the the back to school address out of the children's ears, because they didn't want to get flack from the parents who don't accept him as our leader. That its for the parents to decide whether or not they want their children to listen to the speech. The excuse it "We don't want to bring politics into the school system. We don't like the agenda." Agenda? Really? People made this a way bigger deal than it needed to be. Politics should be kept out of the school. Well. What is current events, then? Our children should become ignorant to what's going on in the outside world? We should shield our precious children from all the ugliness that our politicians are creating? I agree wholeheartedly that the politicians are setting a really bad example of how to behave. But couldn't that create change?

What happens, as the disrespect for our leaders continue? What little boy or girl will want to even aspire to become the next President of the United States? I know I wouldn't. It is my opinion that Everything that comes out of Obama's mouth is criticized and blown out of proportion. To me, it seems that its a smear campaign that has continued beyond the nasty negative media from the opposing party when he was running.

Last night, as I watched the President's address to the congress, I was actually snickering, watching as half the audience would sit there, stone faced as the rest of the audience would jump up and applaud for whatever clever thing Obama said. I saw them get up a few times to clap, but it reminded me of the school days when kids would whisper "Psst. let's not stand up and applaud. Lets stand out!" I am not saying that its not ok to rebel, there is a time and a place for freedom of opinion, and if that's how they were choosing to make their statement, then fine. It was like a yo-yo, the audience, up and down clap, and quiet. Fine, whatever.

But when one congressman yelled out "You Lie!!" during the President's speech, and all heads swiveled in the direction of the outburst, my mouth dropped open. ARE you friggin serious?

I watched Obama's mouth form a firm thin line. I watched as he pointed to the man and he said "That's not true" and continued his speech. I watched as the V.P. Looked down, ashamed, and then glared at the man continually for the next five minutes.

Sure the guy apologized the next day. He embarrassed his fellow congressmen. He embarrassed the state that he represents. What a lack of decorum, of civility! He can disagree with the President, we all have that right. But how disrespectful!
The interesting thing is, after his major fail, his opponent was given over $100,000 in donations last night. Ouch. That has gotta hurt.

Is this the America my children are growing up in? How scary! Has it always been like this? Or is it just now? Is it because it's Obama? Is it racial? I don't know!!

After the address last night, there was a congressman, who was also a heart surgeon who gave a "Republican Rebuttal" for the GOP. It was a 10 minute address to our country nullifying everything that the President said. What are people going to remember? How clever. Has that ever happened before? I guess maybe I'm ignorant, but I don't even know. I have never seen anything like it.

Our country is so divided, there is no bipartisanship. How are we ever going to come together now that it really counts? Working on opposite ends of the spectrum running away from each other isn't going to solve anything.

We need a solution.
Anybody remember the Poem "The Kindergarten Wall"by John McCutcheon?

Of all you learn here, remember this the best
Don't hurt each other and clean up your mess.
Take a nap every day, wash before you eat
Hold hands, stick together,
Look before you cross the street.
Remember the seed in the little paper cup,
First the root goes down, then the plant grows up!

Lately I've been worried as I look around and see.
An awful lot of grownups acting foolish as can be
I know there's lots of things to learn, I haven't mastered yet,
Still it seems it's real important stuff that grownups soon forget.
I know we'd all be better off if we could just recall
That little poem hanging on the kindergarten wall.

Taking myself to task 09-08-09

Recently My biological Father sent me an invitation to be my "friend" on Facebook. It threw me off guard and like a spinning top, I was all sorts of confused. I hadn't heard from him in years. I had thought that I had been extricated from his existence.
I was slammed into my past unpleasant experiences and thoughts about him. Let me say that they are MY thoughts, not collective of the both of us.

I responded to him,asking why, and thought I would get a response back right away. I didn't. So my anger flared up, from my past hurt feelings and I blasted him with another email, spilling my hurt feelings onto him. I didn't realize how very upset I was. How incredibly hurt I was. That part of my life had been stuffed into the freezer. To have it thrown back onto the stove, and turned up high, rattled me.

So THEN I got a response. Not just from him. My email had been forwarded. By this time I almost felt slapped, shaken and jarred. Not from anger flaring back at me. But from a tiny spark of Love. Of asking for forgiveness. Of forgiving ME. Of asking me to take a step back, and to try and understand.

It was out of the blue. As the email responses went back and forth and the dialogue grew,(not from the Bio Father, but from the other) I was forced to sit quietly and reflect.
I ended up crying. Again. Not from the hormones of being pregnant, that's just an excuse. There's guilt attached to this. Maybe on both sides, I don't know, we haven't discussed it enough to find out.

I was raised by my step father who I have adopted as the true dad of my heart. He has had me as his daughter loving me fiercely since I was 6 years old. 30 years!!! But there's another family that I belong to by blood. There has been no connection to it for a long time, and when the cords of connection are trying to reconnect, I feel at odds. Not that it's wrong to feel this way, but a hesitancy. My heart was so friggin hurt for such a long, long time, and I thought I had healed. Apparently not.
The wounds are still there.

I received an email a few days ago from a very wise woman who sends off her thoughts on a website. It's an "energy reading", and I subscribe to it, because it works for me. She said something, and It feels like everything has clicked into place... sort of.

"At times, it might feel like we are navigating a minefield. We never know when an explosion will go off or what direction the next distraction will come from. And then, suddenly there's a breakthrough and something new clicks into position.

But there's a way of navigating through this. We need to activate our truth filters and use our discernment at all times. Run everything through a Greater Reality Check to see if it's coming from duality or Oneness. We must be ultra aware and on high alert in every moment. Then follow the direction that makes us happiest. Stand strong in the Heart of the Lotus and embody PURE HEART LOVE. This is how we keep ourselves aligned with our truest coordinates. "

I have now been sitting with the thought that perhaps I responded out of duality, and not out of Oneness. That perhaps there is an opening for a new way forward, that perhaps we can forgive, even though we don't have to forget. That maybe there is a "Braided Way".

People change. People learn their lessons, and sometime the hard way. I believe that the song that popped up in my heart last night, and that I sang it out loud while making pudding was Spirit giving me yet another reminder.
"It's in Every One Of us, to be wise, find your heart, open up both your eyes, We can all know everything without ever knowing why. It's in every one of us by and by."

My Bio Father wants another chance. So does the rest of his family. Something to sit with. Something to put this through my truth filters, and to use my discernment. My Bio Father's last words to me were " But know that I love you and hope that God's Spirit will keep the eyes of your heart open."

One of my best friends wrote to me when I shared all of this with her : I wonder if it is possible for you to just honor their path without taking it personally. Perhaps you can validate how things work in such amazing ways and bow to the way life is unfolding for them."

And so I will. As Master Yoda Says "DO, or DO not. There is no Try".

Toes are Salty 09-04-09

Have you ever put your foot in your mouth? Jumped to conclusions? ASSUMED something that may or may not be true? That's been happening to me. A LOT. I like to think that I can milk out this pregnancy excuse thing for a long time. Maybe even for a year or two.

Seriously, I have not been thinking clearly. My mind is all sorts of muddled. I can't concentrate, I can't say anything right, and when I do, there's an edge to it.
Overall, I am in a good place, I really am! I ... just think I am over emotional, and over thinking. My imagination is wild and crazy.

Oh the lessons we learn while the foot is lodged firmly in the mouth!! My mom once told me that Assume stood for Ass of U and ME. Oh, mom. Your so right.

I have learned repeatedly lately that it's not fair to jump to conclusions, without giving an ample amount of time for another person to respond.
I have learned that I need to work on my patience skills. I have learned that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that it bruises easily. I have learned that I have some issues that I probably need counseling for. I have learned that my fears cause a ricochet of wild imagination, thinking the very possible worst.
Does anyone out there relate? Please tell me that I am not alone in all of this. Cuz right now I am feeling really, truly stupid.
So basically, I am calling myself out on my own crap, and it doesn't feel very good. I know I need to be gentle with myself, but today, I am sitting with the possibility that not only did I put my foot in my mouth, but potentially I shot myself in the other foot. You know that post about DRAMA? Yeah, I guess I just accidentally caused quite a bit of my own, when I was trying to escape it, and now its biting me in the butt.
I am learning that age old lesson, that I should stop being so caught up in myself, and letting the ego take hold, and surrender it all to Spirit, because really? Who am I?

I did have a genius plan to take over the World, but for now, I am going to sit here quietly and suck on my toes because I don't think they are leaving my mouth anytime soon.

Drama. It's What's For Dinner

Pregnancy. Oh my. Why did I want this again? I have realized that recently, I have become total bitch. My patience is about -5 minutes long. For anything and everyone.
I am like a snapping turtle. I mentioned this to my laid back hubby who casually responds with "I've noticed this. ". Oh.

He has been truly fantastic. He knows when to gently get me away from the kids before I rip their heads off. He knows when I need alone time from everyone including him.
He knows that the little things such as cleaning up the kitchen after dinner for me will keep me semi satiated.
Last night we had a 12 year old melt down. My 7th grade boy decided to quit playing football. He is scared. Understandably so. A boy was taken off the field on a stretcher and into an ambulance, due to a neck injury. He also didn't want to be sandwiched again by two bigger 8th grade boys during scrimmage. I hear that. It scares me thinking about my little boy getting hurt.

He cried. A lot. He beat himself up. We encouraged him to rethink it. We encouraged him to try a little longer. We struggled trying to find a balance, of honoring his decision, and also encouraging him not to give up something he has been so excited about. Normally I can deal with all the drama. Not this time. It frustrated me. Made me irritable.

Drama. I don't choose to accept it into my house at this time. Its like the commercial with the Swifter and the mop. The mop is devastated that it can't be in the house, and that it has been replaced. That's the drama here. Its been cast out on the streets, and it keeps trying to wheedle its way back into our arms. Drama from neighbors, friends, family, school, children, pets. Yeah.

Time to reserve a room at the local asylum for me. Could you please find me a padded white room, with a soft comfy bed, lots of awesome books, and yummy treats? I would be your friend forever.

Thinking Out Loud 08-30-09

I actually wrote this as an email this morning to my two favorite ladies/soul sisters and thought, with editing, it would actually give you a clear idea of what has been happening for me. So I hold it out, my personal stuff for you to read.

It's Sunday Morning, and I am thinking about homework, and sunshine, and breezes, and loud blue jays, and french toast, and missing Irish Cream in my coffee on cold crisp Sunday Mornings.

I am thinking about how wide open your heart has to be to accept changes, and to roll with whatever life gives you. Of how its a choice to be open to the flow. Of how fast the wheel of the year is turning. The leaves are already turning outside, and instead of living in the present moment listening to the wind in the giant tulip poplar outside my window making ocean sounds in the leaves, I am thinking about how I am not ready for the leaves to go away, for the cold to settle in, for the warm coats, and scarves, and socks, and long pants, and mittens. I am not ready for the earth to go to sleep for the long winter.

I am thinking about the funeral I did yesterday, and how scared I was even though I said yes. Actually I think my Spirit said yes for me. I was terrified. I created a reality that was unpleasant. I worked myself up into such a knot, that I started having pre-term contractions on Friday and after they were 5 minutes apart and my doctor put me on bed rest for the rest of the day. I believe I created that. Wow, the power of the mind.
(Baby and I are fine!)

Saturday I waited until the very last second to get ready,and I showed up to the funeral home just in time to be whisked into the funeral directors office where he thought I knew what I was doing. He handed me a clergy record for my files, and a check from the estate, and asked if I wanted to say prayers in the room where the body was laid out. I had prayed to Spirit the whole way to the funeral home, asking to be the container and to let God speak through me, and I prayed to my helpers, and guides to help me. I prayed to Nancy, the woman that passed, and told her that I would do my best to honor her with my words.

I gathered up this group of people into a large circle, made them hold hands and we opened up and set sacred space. I started a prayer and opened it up, and no one knew what the hell I was doing. Someone jumped in, and soon more people spoke directly to "Grandma, Mom, Sister, Cousin" It was a success. People said they had never done anything like that before, that it was different, but that they appreciated it.

They filed into the funeral chapel, and I was brought in to the tune of "the Coco mo" by the Beach Boys, and I began. I forgot to introduce myself. There was holy water and giant bibles in the podium! I said my sermon, and when I finished, they played "I'm so Excited " by the Pointer Sisters. (the family chose those songs, they were Nancy's favorite) People flocked to me, it was overwhelming. they had never heard anything like it. They were "entranced" they said, they were captivated, they said. I was an amazing speaker they said. It was the best funeral they had ever been to, they said. I was so red faced, and practically in tears. My mother in law was there and had never heard me speak. She called hubby and told him that I should open up my own church.

I was so nervous. I was scared of "doing it wrong". During the meditation where it was silent, I felt Nancy's presence and she thanked me for doing her funeral. She giggled and said I was doing great! with thumbs up. She had the sweetest smile, and she was so happy!

All in all it was a deeper experience, it was solemn, and beautiful, and holy. I was a different person, holding the space, allowing for peace and for Spirit to speak through me. I felt almost like I was taken over, and there was nothing but love. I hugged so many people, and held so many hands. I looked into so many eyes, who all searched in mine for some sort of peace. It was incredibly a different experience than a wedding, and understood right away what my mentor Rev. Kathleen Verigin meant about funerals being better than a wedding. Its deeper, somehow. Its calling you to really represent the God within you, to BE the peace, to BE the healer. I remembered my sweet friends words, of being the most beautiful lotus I could be, and that was what I tried to be. What a beautiful experience!
*******
So now I sit and ponder of the beauty of this experience, of what it really means to be a Minister, a Celebrant, One who walks with God. I am not a religious woman. I am not churchy,I occasionally say the bad word, But I really am just like you,and you don't see me like that. Your tentative around me, and afraid to be you. I am filled with Spirit. You are too. I guess that's a good place to accept, and I am honored to walk this journey.
So I end this entry with the very first thing I said at the funeral:

Birth is a beginning
And death a destination
But life is a journey
A going -- a growing
From stage to stage
From childhood to maturity
And youth to age.
From innocence to awareness
And ignorance to knowing;
From foolishness to discretion
And then perhaps, to wisdom.
From Weakness to strength
Or strength to weakness
And, often, back again.
From health to sickness
And back we pray, to health again.
From offense to forgiveness,
From loneliness to love,
From joy to gratitude,
From pain to compassion,
And grief to understanding --
From fear to faith.
From defeat to defeat to defeat --
Until, looking backward or ahead,
We see that victory lies
Not as some high place along the way,
But in having made the journey, stage by stage.
A sacred pilgrimage.
Birth is a beginning
And death a destination.
But life is a journey,
A sacred pilgrimage --
Made stage by stage --
To life everlasting.


Thanks for listening.

Do you kazoo? 08-18-09

I get an email today. From my University. Saying Its my FINAL reminder that I need to complete my graduation file. First of all, I'm Graduating!!! YES! Its the light at the end of the tunnel, and that means its really true that I'm not going to be stuck in this perpetual time warp of text books, and Word documents, and abstracts, and title pages, and APA citations! 6 weeks, and I can throw my cap up in the air!. If I had a cap. Which I don't. Which is dumb.

Going to school online, means you don't get the camaraderie that you do in brick and mortar schools. You don't talk to other students that often except for once, every 5 weeks when you are thrown into a group project with people you don't know, who you depend on for your grade, because its a GROUP. This is a scary thing for a perfectionist like me, that hates depending on anyone, especially for her grades. Especially this past week, when I got to write the Group paper ALL BY MY SELF because my group couldn't get their act together. Ahem.

Anyway, My school has several brick and mortar campuses, the main one being in Chicago, Illinois. Before this year, they only offered virtual graduations. You would email a special invitation to your family, and they would sit in front of the computer screen, and listen to a commencement speech from people like George Stephonopolis. Then you would hear pomp and circumstance, and a rolling list of names of everyone that graduated would slide slowly up the screen. Eventually your name would be shown, and YAY... that would be it. It never really felt like a big deal. AT. ALL.

Recently my university started doing real graduations, where the virtual school classes would be invited to go through graduation festivities in Chicago on the pier.How cool is that?? Of course, even though I graduate next month, my "real graduation in Chicago" won't be until Spring of 2010. Hmph. But that does mean that I will be attending WITH my family, and a babe in arms! :)

My husband recently reminded me that what I have been doing is no walk in the park. That he has witnessed how difficult and challenging this whole school thing was for me. That I should be celebrated. That he wants to throw a party for me. For me!

The last time I was thrown a graduation party for my bachelor's, my girlfriends back home surprised me with a kickass party that I will never forget. I was bummed that day. I realized that to my family, my graduation from a virtual school apparently didn't mean anything to them. My sisters didn't care, my parents didn't care, my then husband didn't care, his family didn't care. No acknowledgment whatsoever from any of them, except for "good job." Ok, Now let me add that I am not an attention whore (mostly), but my ego was bruised. I worked my ass off. I remember coming home after my surprise party that my friends threw me and I had a big box of goodies in the back of my minivan. My then husband wandered out and asked "Whats with all the stuff in the box?" I replied "My friends threw me a surprise party!" He says "For what?" I remember the tears of frustration welling up in my eyes. "For my Effing Graduation". He replies "huh." And people wonder why he frustrated the hell out of me.

Fast forward 5 years and I am graduating again. I guess I took the idea from my family not thinking that my efforts were amounting to anything, or that it wasn't a big deal to heart, because I haven't been excited about the actual graduation to anyone, except you, my dear readers. So when My beloved hubby announces he wants to throw me a party, I'm all sarcastically "Huh?? Why??" And he's all "Because you worked your ass off and this is a HUGE deal! Stop downplaying it. Lose your frumpy attitude.Now.". See why I love him?

So yeah. I am getting a Master's Degree. Who cares that I am unemployed, or have to pay back my student loans which amount to forever in debt, in 7 months from now? Awesome.
So, For those of you friends in the Burgh that wanna come and have celebration drinks, and blow in a kazoo, come to my house. It will be fun. Because Hubby says to stop downplaying it and lose the frumpy attitude. That's why.

Are you Ready to Rock? 08-14-09

Do you remember that day? It was going to be a scorcher, that day. We had been lucky enough to escape to the beach the day before, where it was at least 10 degrees cooler, but everyone and their mom decided that escaping to the beach was a good idea too.

Do you remember the photographer, dressed in all black to take our photos? He was literally drenched in sweat, dripping off his face like a leaky faucet. He took some fabulous pictures though, huh?

Do you remember when everyone started showing up, and I had to go and wait it out in the lodge? You didn't know this, but I was pacing in there, panicking. I was shaking, and my eyes kept welling up with tears. I was so nervous and excited. Did you know that? You seemed so calm and collected.

Do you remember walking the kids up into the labyrinth to begin the ceremony, and Jon playing the native American Flute, (you loved so much that you had to have one, and so we bought a handmade one at the Saturday market the next day)and the giant mother drum beating like a heartbeat?

Do you remember standing at the entrance of the labyrinth,me walking toward you to the heartbeat of the drum? I remember you seeing me and your eyes welling up with tears.

Do you remember walking into the center of the labyrinth in front of all my friends and family? As our drum and the flute slowly faded away, and silence enveloped us Do you remember what happened then?

The neighbors down the road had a summer party and with it a live band that decided to pretend to be AC/DC, who screamed so loud that it echoed "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?" Our guests, the minister, and both of us started laughing. Jon said "Well? Are you ready to rock?" Surely it must have been a sign from the heavens that our marriage was going to be full of fun and laughter.

Do you remember our vows that we said to each other? Yours were so simple and sweet, and you were so emotional I had to wipe tears from your eyes.

Here were your vows to me:

" I acknowledge my love for you and invite you to share my life as I hope to share yours. I promise to walk by your side, to love, help, and encourage you. I vow to take time to share with you, to listen and to care. I will share you laughter and your tears, as your partner, lover and friend. I promise to always respect you and honor you as an individual and to be conscious of your needs. I will seek through kindness and compassion to achieve with you the life we have planned together."



Do you remember my vows to you?
"Today we are married. I stand before you, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not yet know. I promise to delight in your happiness and comfort you in sorrow. To support you when you need it, and when I need support to accept yours. To make your plans and dreams as important to me as my own.
Together we will created a household that celebrates respect, honest, laughter, nurturing,and adventures. The strength of our home will allow us to live conscientiously and deliberately and encourage others to do the same.
I promise to continue to love you deeply and honestly, as it is your heart that moves me, your mind that challenges me, and inspires me, and your hands that I wish to hold until the end of my days.
You are my best beloved and my friend. I give you my promise to be by your side and on your side. I gladly make these promises to you, and I am proud to become your partner.
We stand united now and forever, to join our lives, so that we may be strong as individuals, and stronger still together".

I remember you asking the kids to come forward and I remember the vows you gave to them, becoming their step father :
"I Glenn, Take you Ryan, Kayce, and Julia to be my family, to love you, inspire you, to mentor you, and to share with you the journey of life."

I remember our wedding rings being passed through the hands of each one of our guests, and that they each held them, placed a blessing on them before handing them back to us to slip on each others fingers.

I remember the beautiful Native American blanket that several of my friends bought together to wrap us in for the calling in of the directions. Remember how hot it was under that wool blanket? Remember all the beloved friends standing around us, joining in the ceremony, honoring all the directions along with us?

Do you remember the prayer that Rev. Jayna said at the end?

"Our Creator, we ask you to protect the ones we love. We honor all you have created as Dina and Glenn pledge their hearts and lives together. We honor Mother Earth and ask for their marriage to be abundant and grow stronger through the seasons. We honor fire and ask that their union be warm and glowing with love in their hearts.

We honor wind and ask that they sail through life safe and calm as in the father's arms. We honor water to cleanse and soothe their relationship and ask that it may never thirst for love. With all the forces of the universe you have created, we pray for harmony and true happiness, as Dina and Glenn forever honor the Divine Within- the center, the God spark, the soul. We ask for blessings upon each and every one present here to day as witnesses to their sacred union. We give thanks for the feast we will soon share together and praise this day of life!"


And then we were married.

And now we are married. For one year. Does it feel like a year to you? It has been a beautiful year. I have loved every moment. Thank you for loving me.