I spoke these thoughts aloud to my sounding board and one of my dearest friends Chris. She heard my words, but seemed confused. "Why WOULDN'T you want to share this part of your life? It means you are human, just like us. It shows your own vulnerability. Your strength when you climb out of that place. Just remember to share the lesson you gained while sitting in that dark space too". She is absolutely right.
So I had a bad day. I realized that sometimes it's OK to sit in that dark space. It's OK to feel mad, sad, frustrated. It's OK because we ALL have those feelings. We all have many of the same life experiences. We are really never alone, even if we think we are. We can feel sorry for ourselves, and try to remember to pat ourselves on the back, give ourselves self love, and empathy. Wouldn't you hope that from a true friend? Let me ask you this: Are you your own friend? You should be. It adds value to who you really are. You become a brighter light in the midst of our communities.
Sometimes that dark space can become a dungeon though. Sometimes we can drown in our own misery. But that is your walk. Your journey. You need to find the tools in your "tool box for the soul" to help you lift yourself out of that dark space.
The dark nights of the soul as I have learned to call them from wise women in my life, are the most teachable moments that we can ever offer ourselves. It leads to introspection and revelation, if we really take the time to sit with it and try to understand why you are in that dark night in the first place. There is a lesson in every single thing you experience.
I have been going through a lot these past few months. Just like everyone else, right? Some of it has been quite honestly superficial. Ego driven. I fully admit it. Some of it has been deep down soul hurt, heart hurt, mind expanding/blowing revelations. I could easily choose to close myself off to not feel it. To be numb, to stuff it down a little further in my heart and smile instead. My mom always told me to just keep smiling, because eventually my day would be a good one. Pretend long enough and it becomes true.
I have learned that it isn't who I am, to stuff my feelings. I simply can't. I have to analyze every little detail to understand the situation. I need closure. What I have learned from what my mom said though wasn't so much that she wanted me to stuff the feelings, but to live in the present moment as much as possible. To be the light for others and that eventually it will fill you up. To be a positive person and that it become true for you.
I'm trying, mom.
I have felt tearful recently... a knot in my throat. My husband is the very first man that I have met that doesn't ever tell me not to cry. He doesn't care if it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't try to fix my hurt. Crying is releasing, and healthy. It lets it all out. It's healing.
So I have cried. Not a lot, but enough to expel some of that hurt and frustration. I have asked for support. I have asked for laughter from others. It helps a little.
I have worked at finding the positive in every single thing that I have chosen to feel hurt in the last few months. I feel a little stronger. A little brighter. A little better.
So, I just wanted you to know that it's OK to have a bad day.
"There are two ways of spreading light ...
To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it."
~ Edith Wharton ~
|I am here to shine a light in your dark places. As you walk through your dark nights of the soul, always remember that I will leave a light on for you. Will you leave a light on for me?|