Opening

Life has taken us all by storm, and has begun to whirl us around like a cartwheel. We are in a momentum that shows no sign of slowing. It is November, and the year has swirled by me so incredibly fast that it is feeling like a constant state of adaptation. Preparing for a baby creates an inner chaos for all of my family.

Memories are resurfacing for me. Memories of my childhood, of my former pregnancies, and all that was a part of creating it. Nostalgic, saddened, joyful views flood my consciousness, and I feel like I am living within the walls of my memories that I had once forgotten, not locked in, no... but a state of daydreams of re-memberings.

Lessons are being learned, compassion for my child self. Understandings of my mother, of my former husband, and his family. Curiosity of my future with my beloved and this new life we have created together. Making peace with my children, when they are going through the same things I did when I was their age. Appreciation of those children of mine. My heart swelling with love for them. Noticing all that I am blessed with.

I sit back as if I am watching a movie of my life, as it is played on a reality channel, and I revel in the thought that this is OK. Or This needs to change. Or whispering the word "Peace" to myself to calm my heart when it is troubled.

As I said to a friend in an email "It seems for me, right now, I am doing my work. Not my life's work, but some emotional, relationship work. Maybe I analyze myself and my misgivings too much. Maybe I try to have some kind of control over situations where it's not meant to be. But I try to figure myself out. Constantly. Does that make sense?"

I hear my higher self whispering to me "OPEN" Open. So that's all I can do. Open.