That said, it wasn't easy. It was like walking into a tunnel knowing that there was a light on the other side, but it was so far away that I couldn't yet see it.
There were high highs, and one incredibly low low.
Flying into Seattle on my own was exciting. I walked the blocks and tucked into different stores to look for treasures. I walked along the waterfront and smelled the water. I people watched. I found a treasure for my friend and enjoyed conversations with perfect strangers.
I met a soul sister in Seattle for the very first time. We have known each other for almost 5 years, and I adore her. It was her 45Th birthday and we shared time trading stories of love, sadness, hope, and joys. We watched a sunset together and had a delightful meal. I wish I could see her more often.
I saw my baby sister and met her beloved for the first time. To see my sister totally grown up, in love, and a complete woman astounded me. She has always been a little girl to me, and it is an adjustment to acknowledge her own transformation. But she is a woman, beautiful, strong, powerful, and adorable. Her man is lucky to have her. I think he knows. They made a sweet pair, and I could tell there was an easy compatibility that is always nice to have in a relationship.
I drove down from Seattle Washington to Kalama Washington to visit my Nana and Papa. The drive was amazing, and throughout the experience of the drive I felt it. "Home. Home. Home." It thudded into my heart, in my veins, and flooded into my soul. The gigantic evergreen trees made me cry, and it was powerful to feel utterly and completely at home.
Seeing my Nana and Papa was nice. Knowing that each moment with them at this point in their lives is a gift, and I treasured the time I spent, listening to the stories of catching Salmon, new great grand kids and a brand new GREAT GREAT grand baby. They are snowbirds and will travel to California where they will golf, and play with their buddies for 6 months in the warm sunshine. So beautiful to notice the things that are important to them, the way they are able to go with the flow, and just be. It is a lesson and a gift just to know them.
I drove down to Vancouver Washington and met up with an old friend that had asked me to officiate her wedding to the love of her life. Seeing her was fun, bringing back memories and amazed me at the growth of her own children. Visiting with her mom, and realizing that I only knew her as "Mom", and not her name made me laugh, realizing that I had known this family for a long time.
Her boys were excited, anxious and typical teenagers who were about to finally have a dad for really, the first time. It was a magical moment to watch them all play together, and to see my friend, and I was glad that I was there to help them perform this wedding.
I met up with my other sister and her husband and we shared a dinner and light hearted conversation. I noticed how incredibly different My sisters and I all are. We all have different journeys, different expectations and different things that are important to us. Trying to find the common thread could be difficult if you didn't know us, but it was there, quietly interwoven. A past history, perhaps. A love for our father, maybe. Just being sisters? Possibly. This sister is established in her home, career, and marriage. She positively lit UP discussing the possibility of starting a family. It was so sweet and exciting to listen to her anticipation of what becoming a mother would be like. I can't wait to watch that experience unfold for her and her husband.
I finally made it to my Adopted Mama Cathy's house and visited with her long into the night. She let me ramble. Let me share, and let me just be with all of my turbulence. She held my hand, placed her hand on my swollen belly, and hugged me until tears were in both our eyes. It was her gift to me to let me stay with her and her husband Curt during my visit.
The next day I got to see my sister again, along with our dad, and it was like time was non existent, sharing as if it had only been a few weeks instead of a year. It was awesome seeing my dad, and I realized how very much I missed him. He brought me apples to share with my friends while I was visiting, and gave me his side hug.
I officiated my friends wedding, and it was beautiful. I really thought that I could maintain dry eyes, and be slightly detached, but seeing both my friend and her beloved with tears streaming down their faves, choked me up. Their words to each other were amazing. They have real, heartfelt love. This was the one they have always waited for, and I was honored to share in their moment.
Afterward I drove up to see a family that has always been dear to my heart, and I sat in their home, listening to the kids share with me, watching love sweep through the room. There was peace in that home, and a love for each other. It was a blessing to be among them.
My heart was tender being there, because this was my old best friend, my soul sister, and she seems so happy in her new life. She is content, complete, and living in joy. She is established, and confident. I am proud of her.
Another dear soul sister, my other best friend was also there, staying the night, and sharing in a visit. What a gift to see the love between them, for each other, and to be in their presence. I was blessed.
The following day I needed to just rest. I had been going non stop for 3 solid days, and I was exhausted. Mama Cathy put together a baby blessing, which you can read about HERE.
The day was awesome, and I was glad to be in the present moment. Seeing everyone was such a gift all in it's own.
Driving to the airport the next morning was incredible. Watching the sunrise as I drove, seeing the fog swirl on the landscape, and frost on the fields, the mountains with their purple peaks, Mt. St. Helens looking like a giant scoop of ice cream with a smaller scoop taken out of the top, and Mt. Ranier
gigantic in the distance, I was in awe of the incredible place that I have lived for most of my life.I had been blessed to be living in God's country. It was a magical place. The people, the places, the beauty is incredible. I will always always love it there. I miss it tremendously. I wish I could bring my family back to live there with all of my heart.
But not for the reasons you might think.
I realized in my journey that the very heart of why I wanted to be there in the first place, ended up not being as important as I thought. It was the beauty and magic of the Pacific Northwest that I had really longed for. Everything else was a bonus.
Life goes on without me, and I realized that people have indeed moved on. I felt and saw the space that has been created by time and distance of not being there. Some friends made time to see me, but it wasn't like I thought it would be. I am not sure what I expected, but I let myself be incredibly disappointed. I didn't live in the moment, and I had expectations that weren't met. This isn't any one's fault, just my incredibly raw, tender heart grieving the slow death of what was. I felt out of place in some places, a third wheel in others. I realized that my chapter in some of my dear friends lives is almost over, and to know that saddens me.
Of course I was blessed to make the journey, blessed to see everyone, blessed to be with people that I love.
I am thankful for the process of growth, for the truth of knowing that I will grow through this dark time of losing friends, of knowing that my heart will continue to open wider to the lesson.
And I will move forward to a new place, in a new direction, and a new me.
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