When I lived in Washington, I belonged to a group of mindful, playful women who named themselves the Holy Ho-Ho's, fashioned after the Ya- Ya sisters. These women would come together every other week, meditate, pray, hold hands, sing, and love each other. They would giggle, be naughty minded, and share. They would cry, comfort, and be there for others. It was the best experience someone like me could possibly have. This group of women became my sisters, and my mamas.
At the time my own mother and mother line was pretty much non-existent for me to learn and grow from. I was the daughter of a broken woman, who was the daughter of a professionally driven but suppressed mother, who was the daughter of a deeply depressed and bitter woman. I can't go any farther back, because I don't know my mother line story. It is something I would like to work on.
The back story:
My mother was so incredibly young when she had me. I would like to say that she did the very best that she could, given her circumstances. At one point in her life she had had enough responsibility of caring for me... maybe it was too hard, maybe she wanted to play, I don't really know the story, because I have never heard her honest truth. Through a period of time in my 5th year of life, and through a tumble of passing Dina off to other family members for a while, I landed back in her life a changed little girl. I didn't trust. I didn't feel safe. I was so incredibly serious. I was sad.
My mom's story became more entangled, confusing, and her life came splitting apart like shards of glass. She made decisions based on survival and security, even when it went against what would make her happy. She said she did it all for me. She had the soul of a free spirited gypsy and after she made those choices, she felt like she was trapped in a cage, and started to numb her very own existence by making unhealthy choices.
I didn't receive any more wisdom from that point on. I was on my own. But now I had two sisters and a step father (who is the most amazing man, by the way).
When I became an adult and moved out on my own, I had so much suppressed anger and bitterness toward her. I subscribed to the drama, I had a gigantic chip on my shoulder, and I blamed her. I was determined to break the chain of her parenting skills, and of her unhealthy choices. Regardless,I started to make the some of the same choices that she had. I landed myself in a situation out of security and survival. I too became a trapped free spirit in a cage of my own creation, and numbly lived my existence. I felt completely alone.
But I was also living a double life. I was searching for meaning, for a purpose. My girlfriends were my saving grace. I explored religion, philosophy, theology, and mama wisdom with them. I started going to a New Thought Center, because I longed for community. I joined a book circle, and read the book "The Woman with the Alabaster Jar". I fell into a group of these incredibly powerful , beautiful, loving, and soulful people who taught me a whole new perspective on life. I thrived in this community. I started to see a spark of hope and life. I was invited to join this women's prayer circle, the Holy Ho-ho's. I was told by a special woman who had tears in her eyes: "You are the one we have been waiting for". So I joined. I learned, I grew , and I loved.
A little ways into this prayer circle I started meeting other women from other communities. I joined new communities, where I was taught amazing woman wisdom, sister wisdom, mama wisdom. Stuff I NEVER learned from my own mother. And so the light within grew. I stopped being bitter, resentful. I reformed a tentative relationship with my mother, knowing that her unhealthy choices made her who she was, and she wasn't willing to change... but that she had a good heart underneath. I found the key to my own cage and unlocked it. It was extremely difficult to step out of my life.
But I did. I am so thankful to the wisdom of those women, those sages. They helped to shape who I am . They helped me to shake free of my beliefs, and live with an open heart. They are mamas and sisters.
I am now in the process of creating something like that here in this new place. To create a community. To share together, learn together, live with an open heart together. To laugh, and to play, and to shift what doesn't belong.
The other day I received this incredibly little lesson in my inbox. its about 11 minutes long, and wonderful. I encourage you to take a moment, make a cup of tea, and just listen. There are 4 more parts to this video. I will post them later. Blessings.
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