Next week I am taking a trip to the West Coast. I lived there my entire life, and love every inch of it. It will probably always be referred to as "Home". I haven't been out there since last August, when Hubby and I were married.
Normally,over the past three years, I would head out there every 6 months or so to collect my children who would be visiting their father. It was my excuse to get to see everyone, under the camouflage of not wanting my kids to fly alone.
This year I stayed in Pittsburgh every time they traveled. It was hard, and I was obsessed with making sure they were safe. I could have easily flown out there to see everyone when it was time for the kids visit to end, but I didn't.
Things have changed for me. Oh sure, I miss everyone, and I was embedded in school, with no vacation from it in sight. But I really didn't have a reason to go.
What happened?
Life. All my family and friends have lives of their own to live. They aren't holding my hand, they aren't at my beck and call, they are busy raising families, adapting to new relationships, traveling, and living! They obviously can't come out and see me.
Right now, I feel and see where my ego is getting in the way. I want to say "Hey! You all forgot about me!" But really, no one out there did. Life simply goes on.
I won't pretend that I am not a LEO and say that it doesn't hurt. Because it does. But it is a process that I am learning to roll with. Over and over again. My ego, it is roaring ferociously. I have also been enabling it.
So next week will be a week of traveling, essentially backward, and yet forward at the same time. I will be traveling to see my past, accepting the present and embracing the future.
I will give love to those that want to spend time with me, and I will send love and best wishes for those that can't, or don't want to. I will learn to move on. I will embrace the now of every moment while I am there, and find the beauty of just being able to be "there" again.
And I will come back to my new home and look toward the future.
I have one final trip planned for the west coast, and that is after Baby McGee makes her entrance. After that, I lay my life map opened for discovery.
I keep being reminded of my other writings of standing on the edge of the cliff, and the world behind me falling away. Its sad for me, and I am grieving, but as in all things, my life is a journey. I can't expect everything and everyone to stay the same. Growth happens. I surrender to it.
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