Thinking Out Loud 08-30-09

I actually wrote this as an email this morning to my two favorite ladies/soul sisters and thought, with editing, it would actually give you a clear idea of what has been happening for me. So I hold it out, my personal stuff for you to read.

It's Sunday Morning, and I am thinking about homework, and sunshine, and breezes, and loud blue jays, and french toast, and missing Irish Cream in my coffee on cold crisp Sunday Mornings.

I am thinking about how wide open your heart has to be to accept changes, and to roll with whatever life gives you. Of how its a choice to be open to the flow. Of how fast the wheel of the year is turning. The leaves are already turning outside, and instead of living in the present moment listening to the wind in the giant tulip poplar outside my window making ocean sounds in the leaves, I am thinking about how I am not ready for the leaves to go away, for the cold to settle in, for the warm coats, and scarves, and socks, and long pants, and mittens. I am not ready for the earth to go to sleep for the long winter.

I am thinking about the funeral I did yesterday, and how scared I was even though I said yes. Actually I think my Spirit said yes for me. I was terrified. I created a reality that was unpleasant. I worked myself up into such a knot, that I started having pre-term contractions on Friday and after they were 5 minutes apart and my doctor put me on bed rest for the rest of the day. I believe I created that. Wow, the power of the mind.
(Baby and I are fine!)

Saturday I waited until the very last second to get ready,and I showed up to the funeral home just in time to be whisked into the funeral directors office where he thought I knew what I was doing. He handed me a clergy record for my files, and a check from the estate, and asked if I wanted to say prayers in the room where the body was laid out. I had prayed to Spirit the whole way to the funeral home, asking to be the container and to let God speak through me, and I prayed to my helpers, and guides to help me. I prayed to Nancy, the woman that passed, and told her that I would do my best to honor her with my words.

I gathered up this group of people into a large circle, made them hold hands and we opened up and set sacred space. I started a prayer and opened it up, and no one knew what the hell I was doing. Someone jumped in, and soon more people spoke directly to "Grandma, Mom, Sister, Cousin" It was a success. People said they had never done anything like that before, that it was different, but that they appreciated it.

They filed into the funeral chapel, and I was brought in to the tune of "the Coco mo" by the Beach Boys, and I began. I forgot to introduce myself. There was holy water and giant bibles in the podium! I said my sermon, and when I finished, they played "I'm so Excited " by the Pointer Sisters. (the family chose those songs, they were Nancy's favorite) People flocked to me, it was overwhelming. they had never heard anything like it. They were "entranced" they said, they were captivated, they said. I was an amazing speaker they said. It was the best funeral they had ever been to, they said. I was so red faced, and practically in tears. My mother in law was there and had never heard me speak. She called hubby and told him that I should open up my own church.

I was so nervous. I was scared of "doing it wrong". During the meditation where it was silent, I felt Nancy's presence and she thanked me for doing her funeral. She giggled and said I was doing great! with thumbs up. She had the sweetest smile, and she was so happy!

All in all it was a deeper experience, it was solemn, and beautiful, and holy. I was a different person, holding the space, allowing for peace and for Spirit to speak through me. I felt almost like I was taken over, and there was nothing but love. I hugged so many people, and held so many hands. I looked into so many eyes, who all searched in mine for some sort of peace. It was incredibly a different experience than a wedding, and understood right away what my mentor Rev. Kathleen Verigin meant about funerals being better than a wedding. Its deeper, somehow. Its calling you to really represent the God within you, to BE the peace, to BE the healer. I remembered my sweet friends words, of being the most beautiful lotus I could be, and that was what I tried to be. What a beautiful experience!
*******
So now I sit and ponder of the beauty of this experience, of what it really means to be a Minister, a Celebrant, One who walks with God. I am not a religious woman. I am not churchy,I occasionally say the bad word, But I really am just like you,and you don't see me like that. Your tentative around me, and afraid to be you. I am filled with Spirit. You are too. I guess that's a good place to accept, and I am honored to walk this journey.
So I end this entry with the very first thing I said at the funeral:

Birth is a beginning
And death a destination
But life is a journey
A going -- a growing
From stage to stage
From childhood to maturity
And youth to age.
From innocence to awareness
And ignorance to knowing;
From foolishness to discretion
And then perhaps, to wisdom.
From Weakness to strength
Or strength to weakness
And, often, back again.
From health to sickness
And back we pray, to health again.
From offense to forgiveness,
From loneliness to love,
From joy to gratitude,
From pain to compassion,
And grief to understanding --
From fear to faith.
From defeat to defeat to defeat --
Until, looking backward or ahead,
We see that victory lies
Not as some high place along the way,
But in having made the journey, stage by stage.
A sacred pilgrimage.
Birth is a beginning
And death a destination.
But life is a journey,
A sacred pilgrimage --
Made stage by stage --
To life everlasting.


Thanks for listening.