I was slammed into my past unpleasant experiences and thoughts about him. Let me say that they are MY thoughts, not collective of the both of us.
I responded to him,asking why, and thought I would get a response back right away. I didn't. So my anger flared up, from my past hurt feelings and I blasted him with another email, spilling my hurt feelings onto him. I didn't realize how very upset I was. How incredibly hurt I was. That part of my life had been stuffed into the freezer. To have it thrown back onto the stove, and turned up high, rattled me.
So THEN I got a response. Not just from him. My email had been forwarded. By this time I almost felt slapped, shaken and jarred. Not from anger flaring back at me. But from a tiny spark of Love. Of asking for forgiveness. Of forgiving ME. Of asking me to take a step back, and to try and understand.
It was out of the blue. As the email responses went back and forth and the dialogue grew,(not from the Bio Father, but from the other) I was forced to sit quietly and reflect.
I ended up crying. Again. Not from the hormones of being pregnant, that's just an excuse. There's guilt attached to this. Maybe on both sides, I don't know, we haven't discussed it enough to find out.
I was raised by my step father who I have adopted as the true dad of my heart. He has had me as his daughter loving me fiercely since I was 6 years old. 30 years!!! But there's another family that I belong to by blood. There has been no connection to it for a long time, and when the cords of connection are trying to reconnect, I feel at odds. Not that it's wrong to feel this way, but a hesitancy. My heart was so friggin hurt for such a long, long time, and I thought I had healed. Apparently not.
The wounds are still there.
I received an email a few days ago from a very wise woman who sends off her thoughts on a website. It's an "energy reading", and I subscribe to it, because it works for me. She said something, and It feels like everything has clicked into place... sort of.
"At times, it might feel like we are navigating a minefield. We never know when an explosion will go off or what direction the next distraction will come from. And then, suddenly there's a breakthrough and something new clicks into position.
But there's a way of navigating through this. We need to activate our truth filters and use our discernment at all times. Run everything through a Greater Reality Check to see if it's coming from duality or Oneness. We must be ultra aware and on high alert in every moment. Then follow the direction that makes us happiest. Stand strong in the Heart of the Lotus and embody PURE HEART LOVE. This is how we keep ourselves aligned with our truest coordinates. "
I have now been sitting with the thought that perhaps I responded out of duality, and not out of Oneness. That perhaps there is an opening for a new way forward, that perhaps we can forgive, even though we don't have to forget. That maybe there is a "Braided Way".
People change. People learn their lessons, and sometime the hard way. I believe that the song that popped up in my heart last night, and that I sang it out loud while making pudding was Spirit giving me yet another reminder.
"It's in Every One Of us, to be wise, find your heart, open up both your eyes, We can all know everything without ever knowing why. It's in every one of us by and by."
My Bio Father wants another chance. So does the rest of his family. Something to sit with. Something to put this through my truth filters, and to use my discernment. My Bio Father's last words to me were " But know that I love you and hope that God's Spirit will keep the eyes of your heart open."
One of my best friends wrote to me when I shared all of this with her : I wonder if it is possible for you to just honor their path without taking it personally. Perhaps you can validate how things work in such amazing ways and bow to the way life is unfolding for them."
And so I will. As Master Yoda Says "DO, or DO not. There is no Try".
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