Monday, September 14, 2009

Blending in . Again. 02-06-09

I LOVE being a parent. I was molded into one since I was 13, and started raising my little sisters who were 10 and 13 years younger than me. By the time I had had my first child fresh out of teenage hood (21) I figured I had some experience and knowledge under my belt. I had read all the books, was a certified professional nanny, and my sisters were excellent children who spent most of their time with me.
I wanted to be a mommy. I just didn't know it when I got pregnant. I wasn't ready, I was scared, I said "OH shit" so many times, I am surprised that my child's first word was "Ba" which stood for hat. My boyfriend and I felt obligated to marry before the baby was born so we wouldn't be a disgrace to our families(I know. OLD fashioned.)Plus it was the obvious next step for our relationship.
within the next 6 years two more precious souls entered our world through me, and I fell into being a parent.
During that time, I realized that my parenting style and my husbands were drastically different. I didn't like his style. Plain and simple. I was always softening his discipline, and felt the need to protect them. This is not to say that I am a softy with my children. I hold them accountable, and I have high expectations. I just feel there are other ways to get your needs met without screaming, or belittling. There were a LOT of disagreements, and not very much compromising. Just a lot of resigning. I realized very soon into the marriage that this wasn't the right partnership, and no matter what either of us tried, we couldn't make it work. We divorced after 12 years of marriage.12 years of me being a mama bear protecting her cubs. Don't get me wrong,anyone will tell you that he is a wonderful man, with a big heart, and loves his children totally. Except that he never wanted to be a parent in the first place. He takes the job because it is his responsibility to support them.

So for two years I lived with my babies by myself. I handled the sibling disagreements, the homework battles, the chore battles by myself.I also snuggled with them, loved them, held them when they were sad, scared, mad,and happy. I got 24 hours off from them every other week.

Then, I met him. My beloved. He loved my children. He loved me. He was soft spoken and gentle. As he lived on the other coast, he would plan his trips to see me and ensure seeing the kids. He accepted them. He married my family. In his wedding vows He vowed to the children that he would support them,respect them, love them, and be the best example he could be.

He has no experience with children. He doesn't know how to deal with teenagers. He doesn't know how to deal with drama queen 8 year old daughters. He jumped into parenting with both feet, and is dog paddling in the deep end, while trying to learn how to swim. I have huge empathy for him. It isn't easy.

I haven't made it easy on him either. Because I have raised my children using the NVC method, I expect him to do the same method. Mr Wonderhubby tries. Sometimes he is great at it, while other times, he gets so frustrated (with good reason) that he deals with it his way. Mind you he doesn't yell. He doesn't belittle. He just parents differently.

I have been very much against it, and again crawled into the mama bear mode, and protected them from him. But this isn't entirely true. I have learned that I don't really like anyone disciplining them but me. Which isn't fair to the hubby. I haven't really given him a chance to see what the consequences are if he follows through regarding the kids with the few things I disagree with. I don't give him the chance to live and learn. I find myself correcting him. I am not his parent. I find myself getting irritated at him. Which then supersedes the initial reason for needing the discipline.

How does one find the middle way? How do we parent together consciously? How do I put down my barriers around my family and let him in fully? Am I not? Am I holding him at arms length? How do I entrust another human being with the responsibility of these precious souls? We are responsible for guiding them through life's challenges, teaching them right from wrong, showing them how to cope in the world.
In the book I'm reading; Broken Open, the author states that we have to love our children, but cannot protect them and shield them from everything. That we have to let them experience and gain the tools for their own Phoenix Process. I have done exactly the opposite. It is so hard.

I am learning how to be a parent all over again. In a new dimension. I am learning to respect the differences of our parenting styles and accept that maybe, just maybe my way isn't always the right way. I am NOT an expert after all. I am humble.
Thank you for listening.

1 comment:

  1. Runa said...

    Wow...a few things leapt out at me. That you were caught parenting your hubby. I laughed at that simply because I recognized it in myself! What's different here is that my hubby rarely involves himself in daughter affairs, and when he does he always asks me if it's ok. What a tender heart. I so love that. Me on the other hand, I barrel in and just involve myself in son affairs with no asking, no tenderness sometimes, and wow. Then I'm blaming myself for being the wicked step-mother. I'm having to learn a new way. I'm having to step way back and breathe and sometimes painfully wait so I don't step in too quick. And if I do step in, to do so with more compassion and awareness of what my voice sounds like. To blend is not easy. I applaud you for your honesty and openness...

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