I wrote this 2 years ago on April 13. I found it fitting to unearth it from my old blog on myspace and post it here, because I want to update myself on how far I have come along the way. So many changes! So here goes! ~
I thought when I was whole, that I would be celebrating, jumping up and down for joy! I never thought I would feel tender and compassion and grief for myself.
Getting ready to move across the country, leaving my world behind, I wanted to know that I had all the tools (internally) necessary to begin my new journey in life. I meditated, journeyed, and prayed to Spirit, asking "What is the real reason (beyond sharing space with my beloved) that I am being called to travel 2500 miles away from my home?"
I heard various things:
"You have a purpose where your going. There is work for you to do."
"You have a teacher waiting for you."
"You are moving to help with the Spiritual Awakening"
So then I asked "What are the internal tools that I need to take with me?"
Again I heard various things.
"You need to feel whole. Complete."
"you have already everything you need. Listen."
Deeply listening to my soul. Its like waiting in the silence. Its like sitting outside on top of a ridge in the Columbia River Gorge, in the middle of August,my legs swinging over the ridge, feeling the breeze caress my skin, feeling the embrace of God. Its like watching Hawk soar overhead circling in the sky so gracefully.
"YOU need to feel whole"
Aren't I whole? I looked back on my childhood and remembered from the earliest point that I never once felt like I belonged. An outsider. I was such a serious child, always making choices that would get me in hot water. I was forever gloomy, hardly ever happy in the real world. I was, however happy in my games of pretend; in my imagination I would be a princess, or a fairy. I would be at my best by myself in the forest, or at the beach, where my imagination could run wild.
I remember looking at my sisters, and they were such joyful happy sweet little girls. Full of laughter, giggles, and fun. Throughout the years I would watch them grow, and they never grew out of that happy place. How come I was never like that? There is such an age difference between us that I never felt connected to them the way "sisters" should be... They way they are to each other. They have a beautiful relationship. I can say however, we are now bonding in a different way, and I am so thankful that we are friends and we are family.
Anyway.
I have always been such a serious girl. Oh I absolutely am happy, thrilled with the events that are unfolding in my life. I have changed so much, grown into a person that I would be friends with, and can honestly say that I love more than anything.
So.
I decided to have a soul retrieval done, to see if there were soul parts that had possibly gone away. I wanted them to come back, if they had, and integrate into the person that I am meant to be. I know, I know, I am already the person that I am meant to be. But I also recognized that I needed this for myself. I want to FEEL whole when I make my journey to the other side of the country, to do the work that I am meant to do in this world... my soul purpose.
What a beautiful process. I was having a particularly rough day, missing my Beloved sooooo incredibly much, and I was not sure that I could be fully present for this process. It took me a long long time to cut cords with various people, worries, and traumas in my life. I didn't realize how much baggage one can carry around. (that lesson... "This isn't my stuff?"... yeah.)
I want to honor the parts that came back. I want to celebrate my wholeness. But I also get that I need to nurture myself as well.
The 7 month old baby. Sitting in a poopy diaper. Neglected. Crying. Devastated over a soul connection that had checked out early. She had chosen to leave me to be with the departed soul.
The 7 year old. Lonely. Not feeling loved. Not feeling her worth. Not fitting in. Was found in the playground...
The Happy child, Joyful Exuberant, Living in a playground, reluctant to leave but so excited to come back, so long as I accepted her best friend, the white dove...
The Little one that knows she is a princess or priestess. Knows she is meant for something special.
Would only come back if I promised to make space for her, To honor her. To know and believe that I am special.
I feel so incredibly tender. Almost like a mama to my own self. I want to rock and cradle myself, and let myself know that I am going to take care of me. Ahhh.
Now I say to YOU, my friends, and beloveds....May you know how very special you are. May you know your worth. May you know that you are so incredibly loved. I wonder how much the world would change if we could, each day take a moment and really truly hear those words, believe them, and feel it!!
Aho!
I thought when I was whole, that I would be celebrating, jumping up and down for joy! I never thought I would feel tender and compassion and grief for myself.
Getting ready to move across the country, leaving my world behind, I wanted to know that I had all the tools (internally) necessary to begin my new journey in life. I meditated, journeyed, and prayed to Spirit, asking "What is the real reason (beyond sharing space with my beloved) that I am being called to travel 2500 miles away from my home?"
I heard various things:
"You have a purpose where your going. There is work for you to do."
"You have a teacher waiting for you."
"You are moving to help with the Spiritual Awakening"
So then I asked "What are the internal tools that I need to take with me?"
Again I heard various things.
"You need to feel whole. Complete."
"you have already everything you need. Listen."
Deeply listening to my soul. Its like waiting in the silence. Its like sitting outside on top of a ridge in the Columbia River Gorge, in the middle of August,my legs swinging over the ridge, feeling the breeze caress my skin, feeling the embrace of God. Its like watching Hawk soar overhead circling in the sky so gracefully.
"YOU need to feel whole"
Aren't I whole? I looked back on my childhood and remembered from the earliest point that I never once felt like I belonged. An outsider. I was such a serious child, always making choices that would get me in hot water. I was forever gloomy, hardly ever happy in the real world. I was, however happy in my games of pretend; in my imagination I would be a princess, or a fairy. I would be at my best by myself in the forest, or at the beach, where my imagination could run wild.
I remember looking at my sisters, and they were such joyful happy sweet little girls. Full of laughter, giggles, and fun. Throughout the years I would watch them grow, and they never grew out of that happy place. How come I was never like that? There is such an age difference between us that I never felt connected to them the way "sisters" should be... They way they are to each other. They have a beautiful relationship. I can say however, we are now bonding in a different way, and I am so thankful that we are friends and we are family.
Anyway.
I have always been such a serious girl. Oh I absolutely am happy, thrilled with the events that are unfolding in my life. I have changed so much, grown into a person that I would be friends with, and can honestly say that I love more than anything.
So.
I decided to have a soul retrieval done, to see if there were soul parts that had possibly gone away. I wanted them to come back, if they had, and integrate into the person that I am meant to be. I know, I know, I am already the person that I am meant to be. But I also recognized that I needed this for myself. I want to FEEL whole when I make my journey to the other side of the country, to do the work that I am meant to do in this world... my soul purpose.
What a beautiful process. I was having a particularly rough day, missing my Beloved sooooo incredibly much, and I was not sure that I could be fully present for this process. It took me a long long time to cut cords with various people, worries, and traumas in my life. I didn't realize how much baggage one can carry around. (that lesson... "This isn't my stuff?"... yeah.)
I want to honor the parts that came back. I want to celebrate my wholeness. But I also get that I need to nurture myself as well.
The 7 month old baby. Sitting in a poopy diaper. Neglected. Crying. Devastated over a soul connection that had checked out early. She had chosen to leave me to be with the departed soul.
The 7 year old. Lonely. Not feeling loved. Not feeling her worth. Not fitting in. Was found in the playground...
The Happy child, Joyful Exuberant, Living in a playground, reluctant to leave but so excited to come back, so long as I accepted her best friend, the white dove...
The Little one that knows she is a princess or priestess. Knows she is meant for something special.
Would only come back if I promised to make space for her, To honor her. To know and believe that I am special.
I feel so incredibly tender. Almost like a mama to my own self. I want to rock and cradle myself, and let myself know that I am going to take care of me. Ahhh.
Now I say to YOU, my friends, and beloveds....May you know how very special you are. May you know your worth. May you know that you are so incredibly loved. I wonder how much the world would change if we could, each day take a moment and really truly hear those words, believe them, and feel it!!
Aho!
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