Monday, September 14, 2009

Once upona time 2-18-09

I am writing this more a journal for myself, as I have been trying to remember what it was like growing up for me, especially as a teenager. I apologize if this is a depressing post. I am trying to figure out stuff, and this is the way it works for me.
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When I was growing up, I was a very sensitive little girl. I was self conscious, serious, and contemplative all the time. I would wonder about Jesus, and whether or not guardian angels were really hovering over me at all times. I wasn't one of those bright happy little girls like my sisters both were. I never had the "Ce la Vie!" attitude.
I always wondered why.

When I got into school, I didn't attract any one group or cliques. I wasn't a loner either. It seemed everyone liked me. I had great friends from every group. I was welcomed into all the groups whenever I would venture to the group of friends hanging out. But, I was never invited to hang out. I did have best friends though. Of the very same kind as me. We were like glue.

One year, in 8th grade, I had made a comment about myself to a popular "friend" and apparently it was TMI. I didn't realize this, and the next thing you know, I was ostracized from all the girls for the remainder of the year. No one would talk to me, they would whisper behind the back of their hands and giggle aimed at me. They were very mean spirited, and made unkind comments to me. I learned not to trust. I withdrew. I was sad. It didn't help that I had a really challenging home life, and was miserable both at home and at school. My grades suffered, my self esteem dropped.

One of the things I loved to do was dance. It was my personal therapy. I would dance in whatever class was offered. I would tape "Star Search" and then play it over and over, pausing it to learn the moves of the dancers. I was very good at it.
Towards the end of the year, There were tryouts for the highschool drill team, and I decided to go for it. As I walked into the first day of afterschool tryouts, I stopped in my tracks, and saw... ALL of the girls that had snubbed me were trying out too.
(Back story~ This is a very small community. The highschool had a total of 400 students)
Normally, I would have backed out, and given up, as I didn't want to be made fun of, and I didn't want to be snubbed anymore. BUT. This was something that I really wanted, and I was determined to show that I could dance.
For the next 2 weeks, we practiced the routines. I had them down pretty much immediately, and worked on perfecting them. The other girls were struggling, and one shyly asked me if I could show her the move. Pretty soon, I was leading the 8th grade girls showing them what to do.
A big part of me didn't want to. I didn't want to help these girls who had .. at THAT time ruined my life. But I knew it would only make it worse. I wasn't nice. I was firm, serious, and refused to laugh or play with them.
At one point, one of the girls trying out came to me and apologized for being mean to me all year. Then, one by one, each of the girls (8 total) came up and told me they were sorry, and thanked me for helping them.
Tryout final day came, and it wasn't just the 8th grade girls, but all the girls from the highschool trying out as well. There were just 4 slots to fill as the seniors were graduating.This was very stressful for me.
I MADE IT. I was so excited. The girls who had apologized to me? Stunned. "SHE made it???" The already formed group of the drill team squad ran over to me hugging me, and laughing. Congratulating me. IT was the highest moment of 8th grade.

I think about my son, and being a teenager. Its so damn hard! I never took into account that maybe I was having hormonal issues. That maybe my attitude sucked, and that is why no one wanted to be my friend.
Being a teenager is like pulling off your skin and putting a different one. It doesn't fit right, it is itchy, and uncomfortable. It makes you cranky, and you snap at people. You think people are idiots because they can't see that your skin doesn't fit right.
Sigh.
How do we teach our teenagers the values that they need? How do you help them to be happy? Full of Self Esteem?
My kids don't have the kind of life I lived. They don't have the struggles I had. They don't have the same kinds of responsibilites, or punishments. They don't wonder if they were adopted because the family doesn't feel like a family. They don't have the co dependencies and issues. They live a relatively happy, normal, life, like the average american family. We love each other. We are mostly happy. All except for one. My teenager. Does it just automatically change when you turn 14? I don't know how to navigate this.
I helped raise my 2 sisters, 10 and 13 years younger than me. They weren't like this.
Sigh.
One day at a time.
Breathing in.
Breathing out.

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