These last few months I have been super swamped with life. Christmas, teen boy moving in with me after living with dad for a year, stressful job, starting grad school, and taxiing kids around to all their different activities. All of this has enabled me to say that I have a full plate. Overflowing, onto the table, and flowing onto the floor.
Its crazy how many things one person can do, and feel productive... until they hit a wall and burn out.
I have been reading a book called Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser who phenomenally writes about how difficult times can help us grow. I didn't know at the time that I was going through a difficult time. I just wanted to read the book because I heard it was a great read, and as a bibliophile, that is pretty much all anyone has to say in order for me to read it.
As I have been reading it, I have been realizing that this book was speaking directly to me. I was actually understanding and going through everything the author was talking about, and didn't even realize it.
I have been living on the East Coast for over a year and a half, and of course miss my friends back home on the West Coast like crazy. When I lived there I belonged to a prayer circle, that is deeply spiritual but wasn't religious in any way. A gathering of women who sat together in silence, prayed to God/Spirit/Tunkashilla/Great Mystery out loud, witnessed by each other. There was so much love in the room. Generally, you would get to know these women intimately through prayer. We knew about the heartaches, the joys, the grief, the frustration. We knew about the hopes and dreams, and new jobs and traveling.
I was involved in such a group for 5 years, and these women became my sisters and my adopted mama's.
When I decided to follow MY dream and move to Pittsburgh (That part wasn't my dream, just a byproduct) to be with my beloved, the one thing that I knew was going to be the hardest was moving away from this circle of women.
It was difficult. At Best. I did a lot of crying. A lot of blogging. A lot of calling back home to visit with everyone. Whenever my kids would fly back, I would fly with them, just so I could see these women.
Over time, I started to see things in a different way. Sometimes I feel that my teachers and gifts of people back home were platforms for me to learn from and push myself off from in order to grow. Like I was bound with so many ribbons and cords, and as I started flying, like a kite, people had to let those ribbons go
because they trusted that I would fly brilliantly without their assistance. That They were no longer needed anymore. I feel that they still look for me and wish me well, but that they know that the baby bird wouldn't fall out of the nest and get eaten by the wolf. Does that make sense? I think that as the last of the ribbons are loosening hold on me, I am feeling uncertain and afraid. Its a difficult place. To fly. I want to keep looking back, and I want to land and love and celebrate with these teachers, and loved ones, but I know that in order not to crash into the mountain I need to keep looking forward. I am uncomfortable win this space of mine.
Within this amazing circle of women, one of them was my closest ally, my best friend, my soul sister, and most wonderful friend on the planet. Of course, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would ever lose her when I moved. I always thought that the cord of love connecting us would stay connected, no matter how far around the world either one of us went. I mean, every girl knows that women tend to "circle up", they form tight niches. They confide in each other. They usually only have a few of those, and those they carry close to their hearts for a long time. They become sisters. This was one of those relationships.
Unfortunately over time, this friendship started morph into something new. I don't want her to be a ribbon, a teacher that has to loosen her hold and watch me fly away. She was the one ribbon I wanted to stay connected to, and it feels more than awful that in order for her to "focus on what is alive for her there" that I am not part of that.
SIGH.
Letting go.
Its such a difficult place to live from. One of my dear friends, said to me recently about life "I am getting these messages about trust and faith and how sometimes we have to be challenged to the max in order to get us ready for what is next. Sometimes we have to be on our knees. I think it has to do with true willingness."
Last night another dear friend/adopted mama said in her wisdom,"a gift of gathering strength again sometimes includes a bit of sorrow and unfulfilled expectations. The thing is we have all the strength we need--big deep breath---even when we don't think we do.There is more room in a broken heart. Perhaps the healing will come and your heart will be filled, maybe your heart is being prepared for something new."
This morning in my book I opened to a new chapter titled "A Broken Heart is an Open Heart". How incredibly fitting. Something I needed to read. Something my heart needs to hear.
So I grieve. As my adopted mama says "Deep love often comes with pain, and we move through it, we don't park there forever. Just feel it, acknowledge it, bless it, love it. And give thanks that you have a huge heart that is able to have such feelings!"
Today, amidst the sadness, I give thanks for my huge heart that is ever opening wider. I give thanks for my dear friends and all their glorious wisdom. I give thanks for the lessons, even when they "bring you to your knees". I give thanks for the love.
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