Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Taking time out to freak out.

This morning in my inbox I received this wisdom :

In the ocean of silence you may discover your eternal treasures of peace, love and happiness. In silence, you can let bad feelings and past sorrows dissolve. In silence you can hear the whisper of God saying "Come child and rest with Me. You are a peaceful soul."

Whirling dervish Pictures, Images and Photos
This morning I have been emotional. Snippy, tested, annoyed, and overwhelmed. I have been running like... as my husband called me "A Whirling Dervish". In different instances he is correct. I had been tested through the MBA program that I have finally finished. During that time, everything seemed to take a back seat. Don't get me wrong, I was still me, mommy, wife, Minister, jailer, attorney, housekeeper, personal chef, Tutor, Nurse, Veterinarian.. And the list goes on. But really, I was in Zombie mode. I didn't really LOOK at anything closely. Life swept by me, a blurry haze. My eyes were on the prize of a diploma from my University, and as much as I dragged my feet through it all, I wanted so badly to finish it.

Now that it is all done, it literally took 1 solid day for the cobwebs to be cleared from my eyes, and for me to see the reality of what has been happening around my home without me essentially. Like I said, I was there, but really, I wasn't.

My house had turned upside down. Literally. My kids freedoms were WAY too lenient. My Husband was taxed to the brink of insanity trying to hold it all together. The animals had lost all their behavioral training. The basement was Growing a life of its own, and it was in a sad sad state ready to start mutiny on me. My bedroom? I don't even want to go there. How. HOW could I have literally let it all go? I didn't have a full time job, I had time to keep it together, right?? I mean I do full time here, but not out in the real world with a real paycheck, other than being a minister.

I am embarrassed, I am frantic, and I am feeling overwhelmed to say the least. All of a sudden, I realized that there is a new baby coming into existence in three months. I will have FOUR children!!! We don't have a place for her yet, because the wannabe nursery is filled with boxes of CRAP. All of the projects in my house are 50% finished. The laundry is going to swallow me alive. I have 7 weddings to prepare for and a trip to the west coast a week from today. My online Mommy-blogger girly friend Burghbaby Just dropped a bombshell and reminded me that the holidays are FAST approaching like a speed train.

SO I rolled up my sleeves and began this week to set my world upright. I have been going break neck speed trying to right everything, and Hubby says "Welcome Back!" in one breath, and relax! in the next. My friends say relax. My sister says relax! My mother says "Sit your ass down, put your feet up, drink a cup of tea, read a book, and RELAX, or I will come out there and make you!!" *Shudder* (she will too.)

SO this morning it all caught up to me, and I sat on my couch and just cried. and cried. (Which I hate, because it makes me cranky and sleepy in the evening) My puppy immediately put his big head on my belly and looked up at me concerned... Until the baby kicked him in the neck.

I sat in the silence and took a few.. ok Several deep breaths. I remembered the wisdom that I had received earlier and tried to find my own peace. I realize that no matter what it will all be OK. I know that. That I can only do as much as I can do, and that I will have to create a balance to make everything work. I know that stress doesn't help. Saying all of this doesn't stop me from freaking out, but at least I KNOW what I am supposed to be doing.

It does, however give me a diversion with all the other emotional stuff that is up and sitting in my throat, which I would rather focus on, but everything else doesn't leave me much time to sit and whine and mope.
So off I go to finish the 4503q9 loads of laundry, fold and put away the mess in my room, and scrub the bathroom shower. (Can we just say EWWW!) At least It's a start.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Passing the time

I know, I know I haven't written anything meaningful this week. I am on my final week of my MBA and working on a 40 page exam paper. Kinda busy. THought I would tak a minute though and post something that might make you think. I will get back to writing the "me stuff" next week. Until then,

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Watching California's forests, and family homes be destroyed by fire is not something I normally care to see. Especially knowing that I have loved ones that live there. But you have to admit, it is stunning to watch.
The Fire that burns everything to the ground, is actually so incredibly good for our earth. It reinvigorates the earth for new growth. Like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes. It forces change, welcome or not to the people affected by it. Starting over, new beginnings. You can't go backward.

My goal this week has been to find the beauty in absolutely everything. I need it right now as there is so much on my plate. I won't commiserate with you today, because that would be NOT practicing what I just made a promise for myself to do. Instead I will say, that all of this LIFE causes me to really step back, reflect, and readjust. School is on the front burner. It is at a rapid boil, and it is almost done and ready to take it off the stove. Forever. I will be so thankful that that chapter is firmly closed, even though It will be a springboard for my new growth, when I am ready to move in that direction. For now, I am grateful that it challenges me beyond anything I have ever done. It pushes me to continue even when I don't want to anymore. Its that climb to the top of the hill. I can complain about how hard it is, that my legs are aching, that I need to stop, and take a rest. But this final class is like Jillian on the Biggest Loser. She won't let me quit.

For now, I sit in grace. In love. In a swirling atmosphere of vibration. Children, animals, lover/husband, unborn child, family situations too tender to share about. Weddings galore, preparations for the fall. School. The list goes on and on. My life is abundantly full, and I feel myself ripening as a harvest pumpkin, like a moon waxing, like the tide of the ocean coming in.
All I need to remember right now is to simply breathe. And so I do.
Breathing in deeper, breathing out slower.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Mama Gaia is in tears

Photograph by Michael Nolan

I saw this picture today, and it really struck me. We look at Global Warming, and its becoming such an everyday phrase. It seems that more and more people understand the need to do whatever it takes to protect our planet, but we aren't all united in this act. Countries all over the world are 10 times worse that we in America. They don't have the resources or the know how to make the changes. For them, it comes down to money, which they don't have and desperately need.
Here in our own country, we get it, we understand it, but not everyone is willing to step it up and be conscious. There are some conservatives that don't even believe that this is really Global Warming. That instead its the evolution of a planet, that its a life cycle.

Here in my own city, Pittsburgh. I cringe every time I see people throwing paper away. Throwing recyclables IN THE GARBAGE. It's everywhere. The city has free recycling for its residents, yet they aren't utilizing it to its true potential.
Here in the outskirts, we are JUST now starting to use recycling in more depth.
But it's not JUST recycling. It's the cars that we use. Its the toxins that our countries put into the atmosphere. Its just. ..Everything.

So when I saw this photo this morning, I realized how very perfect it is to see the face of Mother Gaia crying in a receding Ice shelf.
It's devastating.

Paying attention

Yesterday, I took a walk with Bodhi, and the world in my little neighborhood was quiet. What was interesting for me, was that I was able to take in so many things, little tiny details that makes life what it is. There is so much appreciation, and I was able to really honor all of it.

The sound of the trees with the leaves drying out, and crackling up against each other. The green ones waving to me. The leaves that I stepped on, on the ground that crunched under my feet. The bumblebees still flitting from flower to flower grabbing as much nectar as they can before the flowers die.

The snap of the random flags flying over people's houses in the breeze. The sunlight shining down making my eyes squint because I had forgotten my glasses. The smells of the Earth, of the greenery, of the fabric softener from someones dryer vent.

The different birds chirping on the wires, above me, on the trees, flying through the air. the chipmunk scampering across the street into the bushes for safety. the Baby Hawk that loves to sit near my house, and speak its song.

I really enjoyed this small moment. Every little piece that makes our world hum. And this morning, as I let Bodhi out to go to do his morning ritual, I stood on the deck before dawn and saw the crescent moon and the Bright North Star shining together, like two friends holding court over our world. Looking up, I saw all the stars, and as I looked around I saw all of us, as these tiny inhabitants on this massive world.
I said my morning prayer, giving thanks to the One Above, and all around, and stood there, shivering in the early morning air.

Later, I kept an eye on the sunrise, and tried to capture the beauty on my camera. The camera just doesn't do it justice.

I am so blessed. Amidst all the chaos, as fast as my life spins, I was able to take a moment in the stillness, and be thankful.

Monday, September 14, 2009

This. Is. Me.

For 36 years I have been known to the people in my little world by so many names. I was born Dinelle Jean (My mom likes to pronounce it like Shean, to make me sound exotic except for when I am in trouble.) I grew up as Dina, and Dinelle became my alter ego. I never really use it.

Now, I am ready to explore "Dinelle". It is to be a journey for me. I will be using this sight to post my thoughts, my feelings, my ups and my downs. It might not make sense to you, but it will be more of a self discovery. I think it might be pretty spectacular.
This journey, the one I am continuously on, seems to always be winding down to something. Just when I think its going to settle into something monotonous, I find myself thrown back into the rapids of the river. The water slashing over my head, a bumpy ride while being swiftly carried downstream. Sometimes I go deep down underwater where everything is mumbled and discombobulated, and I can't breathe, and I don't know which way is up, when suddenly hands reach in and pull me to safety.
There are other times where it is me pulling someone else out of the water. the ebb and the flow.
Today, however I am floating along, but the water is swift, and I am terrified of really letting go, of seeing where I go.

I have posted here, all of my blog posts that I have written on my family blog for the last two years. It is all my personal story, my journey. Some very deep, some shallow, but it is all me. I decided to pull it off the family blog, because, really it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of them.
This is my space. For reflection for pondering, for ranting. It probably won't be every day, but you never know!
For updates on my family blog you can go HERE
For now this is me. I hope you can take the time to go back and get to know who I am. And, it would be awesome if you would send me a comment as feedback for my writing.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. 09-10-09

Last night was the straw that broke this camel's back. I'm gonna rant, and if you don't like it, don't read it.

What the hell has happened to America? I'm again ashamed. Yes, we have free choice, we have free speech, and we can voice our opinion without consequences. That's all fine and dandy, but come ON!

The Health Care Debate. The National Address to the school kids. ANY State of The Union Address. It's all politics, and politics is even uglier now than it ever has been. It's shameful the way people are acting these days. I don't understand, and the worse it gets, the less it seems likely that it will ever get better. I'm not going to defend the Heath Care reform. I don't know that much about it to voice an opinion. The only thing that I will say is that I DO know that it is NOT socialism. Shut up!

When I was a kid, my teachers expected us to watch any Address that the President gave on television. Not only that, but we were required to write a paper on it, AND write what the other side might be saying. It was homework. We had to be up on Current Events. It was important. We were taught to respect our National leader, regardless if our parents voted for them or not. It's the President of The United States, People!! My mom, even if she didn't like who was the President, would sit down and watch. She would expect me to as well. I hated it as a kid. How boring! It was dull to me. But I did it. According to my children's school's, my children don't have to watch. They don't have to write a paper. They don't have to talk about it.

Kids these days are not expected to listen. Many schools kept the the back to school address out of the children's ears, because they didn't want to get flack from the parents who don't accept him as our leader. That its for the parents to decide whether or not they want their children to listen to the speech. The excuse it "We don't want to bring politics into the school system. We don't like the agenda." Agenda? Really? People made this a way bigger deal than it needed to be. Politics should be kept out of the school. Well. What is current events, then? Our children should become ignorant to what's going on in the outside world? We should shield our precious children from all the ugliness that our politicians are creating? I agree wholeheartedly that the politicians are setting a really bad example of how to behave. But couldn't that create change?

What happens, as the disrespect for our leaders continue? What little boy or girl will want to even aspire to become the next President of the United States? I know I wouldn't. It is my opinion that Everything that comes out of Obama's mouth is criticized and blown out of proportion. To me, it seems that its a smear campaign that has continued beyond the nasty negative media from the opposing party when he was running.

Last night, as I watched the President's address to the congress, I was actually snickering, watching as half the audience would sit there, stone faced as the rest of the audience would jump up and applaud for whatever clever thing Obama said. I saw them get up a few times to clap, but it reminded me of the school days when kids would whisper "Psst. let's not stand up and applaud. Lets stand out!" I am not saying that its not ok to rebel, there is a time and a place for freedom of opinion, and if that's how they were choosing to make their statement, then fine. It was like a yo-yo, the audience, up and down clap, and quiet. Fine, whatever.

But when one congressman yelled out "You Lie!!" during the President's speech, and all heads swiveled in the direction of the outburst, my mouth dropped open. ARE you friggin serious?

I watched Obama's mouth form a firm thin line. I watched as he pointed to the man and he said "That's not true" and continued his speech. I watched as the V.P. Looked down, ashamed, and then glared at the man continually for the next five minutes.

Sure the guy apologized the next day. He embarrassed his fellow congressmen. He embarrassed the state that he represents. What a lack of decorum, of civility! He can disagree with the President, we all have that right. But how disrespectful!
The interesting thing is, after his major fail, his opponent was given over $100,000 in donations last night. Ouch. That has gotta hurt.

Is this the America my children are growing up in? How scary! Has it always been like this? Or is it just now? Is it because it's Obama? Is it racial? I don't know!!

After the address last night, there was a congressman, who was also a heart surgeon who gave a "Republican Rebuttal" for the GOP. It was a 10 minute address to our country nullifying everything that the President said. What are people going to remember? How clever. Has that ever happened before? I guess maybe I'm ignorant, but I don't even know. I have never seen anything like it.

Our country is so divided, there is no bipartisanship. How are we ever going to come together now that it really counts? Working on opposite ends of the spectrum running away from each other isn't going to solve anything.

We need a solution.
Anybody remember the Poem "The Kindergarten Wall"by John McCutcheon?

Of all you learn here, remember this the best
Don't hurt each other and clean up your mess.
Take a nap every day, wash before you eat
Hold hands, stick together,
Look before you cross the street.
Remember the seed in the little paper cup,
First the root goes down, then the plant grows up!

Lately I've been worried as I look around and see.
An awful lot of grownups acting foolish as can be
I know there's lots of things to learn, I haven't mastered yet,
Still it seems it's real important stuff that grownups soon forget.
I know we'd all be better off if we could just recall
That little poem hanging on the kindergarten wall.

Taking myself to task 09-08-09

Recently My biological Father sent me an invitation to be my "friend" on Facebook. It threw me off guard and like a spinning top, I was all sorts of confused. I hadn't heard from him in years. I had thought that I had been extricated from his existence.
I was slammed into my past unpleasant experiences and thoughts about him. Let me say that they are MY thoughts, not collective of the both of us.

I responded to him,asking why, and thought I would get a response back right away. I didn't. So my anger flared up, from my past hurt feelings and I blasted him with another email, spilling my hurt feelings onto him. I didn't realize how very upset I was. How incredibly hurt I was. That part of my life had been stuffed into the freezer. To have it thrown back onto the stove, and turned up high, rattled me.

So THEN I got a response. Not just from him. My email had been forwarded. By this time I almost felt slapped, shaken and jarred. Not from anger flaring back at me. But from a tiny spark of Love. Of asking for forgiveness. Of forgiving ME. Of asking me to take a step back, and to try and understand.

It was out of the blue. As the email responses went back and forth and the dialogue grew,(not from the Bio Father, but from the other) I was forced to sit quietly and reflect.
I ended up crying. Again. Not from the hormones of being pregnant, that's just an excuse. There's guilt attached to this. Maybe on both sides, I don't know, we haven't discussed it enough to find out.

I was raised by my step father who I have adopted as the true dad of my heart. He has had me as his daughter loving me fiercely since I was 6 years old. 30 years!!! But there's another family that I belong to by blood. There has been no connection to it for a long time, and when the cords of connection are trying to reconnect, I feel at odds. Not that it's wrong to feel this way, but a hesitancy. My heart was so friggin hurt for such a long, long time, and I thought I had healed. Apparently not.
The wounds are still there.

I received an email a few days ago from a very wise woman who sends off her thoughts on a website. It's an "energy reading", and I subscribe to it, because it works for me. She said something, and It feels like everything has clicked into place... sort of.

"At times, it might feel like we are navigating a minefield. We never know when an explosion will go off or what direction the next distraction will come from. And then, suddenly there's a breakthrough and something new clicks into position.

But there's a way of navigating through this. We need to activate our truth filters and use our discernment at all times. Run everything through a Greater Reality Check to see if it's coming from duality or Oneness. We must be ultra aware and on high alert in every moment. Then follow the direction that makes us happiest. Stand strong in the Heart of the Lotus and embody PURE HEART LOVE. This is how we keep ourselves aligned with our truest coordinates. "

I have now been sitting with the thought that perhaps I responded out of duality, and not out of Oneness. That perhaps there is an opening for a new way forward, that perhaps we can forgive, even though we don't have to forget. That maybe there is a "Braided Way".

People change. People learn their lessons, and sometime the hard way. I believe that the song that popped up in my heart last night, and that I sang it out loud while making pudding was Spirit giving me yet another reminder.
"It's in Every One Of us, to be wise, find your heart, open up both your eyes, We can all know everything without ever knowing why. It's in every one of us by and by."

My Bio Father wants another chance. So does the rest of his family. Something to sit with. Something to put this through my truth filters, and to use my discernment. My Bio Father's last words to me were "
But know that I love you and hope that God's Spirit will keep the eyes of your heart open."

One of my best friends wrote to me when I shared all of this with her :
I wonder if it is possible for you to just honor their path without taking it personally. Perhaps you can validate how things work in such amazing ways and bow to the way life is unfolding for them."

And so I will. As Master Yoda Says "DO, or DO not. There is no Try".

Toes are Salty 09-04-09

Have you ever put your foot in your mouth? Jumped to conclusions? ASSUMED something that may or may not be true? That's been happening to me. A LOT. I like to think that I can milk out this pregnancy excuse thing for a long time. Maybe even for a year or two.

Seriously, I have not been thinking clearly. My mind is all sorts of muddled. I can't concentrate, I can't say anything right, and when I do, there's an edge to it.
Overall, I am in a good place, I really am! I ... just think I am over emotional, and over thinking. My imagination is wild and crazy.

Oh the lessons we learn while the foot is lodged firmly in the mouth!! My mom once told me that Assume stood for Ass of U and ME. Oh, mom. Your so right.

I have learned repeatedly lately that it's not fair to jump to conclusions, without giving an ample amount of time for another person to respond.
I have learned that I need to work on my patience skills. I have learned that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that it bruises easily. I have learned that I have some issues that I probably need counseling for. I have learned that my fears cause a ricochet of wild imagination, thinking the very possible worst.
Does anyone out there relate? Please tell me that I am not alone in all of this. Cuz right now I am feeling really, truly stupid.
So basically, I am calling myself out on my own crap, and it doesn't feel very good. I know I need to be gentle with myself, but today, I am sitting with the possibility that not only did I put my foot in my mouth, but potentially I shot myself in the other foot. You know that post about DRAMA? Yeah, I guess I just accidentally caused quite a bit of my own, when I was trying to escape it, and now its biting me in the butt.
I am learning that age old lesson, that I should stop being so caught up in myself, and letting the ego take hold, and surrender it all to Spirit, because really? Who am I?

I did have a genius plan to take over the World, but for now, I am going to sit here quietly and suck on my toes because I don't think they are leaving my mouth anytime soon.

Drama. It's What's For Dinner

Pregnancy. Oh my. Why did I want this again? I have realized that recently, I have become total bitch. My patience is about -5 minutes long. For anything and everyone.
I am like a snapping turtle. I mentioned this to my laid back hubby who casually responds with "I've noticed this. ". Oh.

He has been truly fantastic. He knows when to gently get me away from the kids before I rip their heads off. He knows when I need alone time from everyone including him.
He knows that the little things such as cleaning up the kitchen after dinner for me will keep me semi satiated.
Last night we had a 12 year old melt down. My 7th grade boy decided to quit playing football. He is scared. Understandably so. A boy was taken off the field on a stretcher and into an ambulance, due to a neck injury. He also didn't want to be sandwiched again by two bigger 8th grade boys during scrimmage. I hear that. It scares me thinking about my little boy getting hurt.

He cried. A lot. He beat himself up. We encouraged him to rethink it. We encouraged him to try a little longer. We struggled trying to find a balance, of honoring his decision, and also encouraging him not to give up something he has been so excited about. Normally I can deal with all the drama. Not this time. It frustrated me. Made me irritable.

Drama. I don't choose to accept it into my house at this time. Its like the commercial with the Swifter and the mop. The mop is devastated that it can't be in the house, and that it has been replaced. That's the drama here. Its been cast out on the streets, and it keeps trying to wheedle its way back into our arms. Drama from neighbors, friends, family, school, children, pets. Yeah.

Time to reserve a room at the local asylum for me. Could you please find me a padded white room, with a soft comfy bed, lots of awesome books, and yummy treats? I would be your friend forever.

Thinking Out Loud 08-30-09

I actually wrote this as an email this morning to my two favorite ladies/soul sisters and thought, with editing, it would actually give you a clear idea of what has been happening for me. So I hold it out, my personal stuff for you to read.

It's Sunday Morning, and I am thinking about homework, and sunshine, and breezes, and loud blue jays, and french toast, and missing Irish Cream in my coffee on cold crisp Sunday Mornings.

I am thinking about how wide open your heart has to be to accept changes, and to roll with whatever life gives you. Of how its a choice to be open to the flow. Of how fast the wheel of the year is turning. The leaves are already turning outside, and instead of living in the present moment listening to the wind in the giant tulip poplar outside my window making ocean sounds in the leaves, I am thinking about how I am not ready for the leaves to go away, for the cold to settle in, for the warm coats, and scarves, and socks, and long pants, and mittens. I am not ready for the earth to go to sleep for the long winter.

I am thinking about the funeral I did yesterday, and how scared I was even though I said yes. Actually I think my Spirit said yes for me. I was terrified. I created a reality that was unpleasant. I worked myself up into such a knot, that I started having pre-term contractions on Friday and after they were 5 minutes apart and my doctor put me on bed rest for the rest of the day. I believe I created that. Wow, the power of the mind.
(Baby and I are fine!)

Saturday I waited until the very last second to get ready,and I showed up to the funeral home just in time to be whisked into the funeral directors office where he thought I knew what I was doing. He handed me a clergy record for my files, and a check from the estate, and asked if I wanted to say prayers in the room where the body was laid out. I had prayed to Spirit the whole way to the funeral home, asking to be the container and to let God speak through me, and I prayed to my helpers, and guides to help me. I prayed to Nancy, the woman that passed, and told her that I would do my best to honor her with my words.

I gathered up this group of people into a large circle, made them hold hands and we opened up and set sacred space. I started a prayer and opened it up, and no one knew what the hell I was doing. Someone jumped in, and soon more people spoke directly to "Grandma, Mom, Sister, Cousin" It was a success. People said they had never done anything like that before, that it was different, but that they appreciated it.

They filed into the funeral chapel, and I was brought in to the tune of "the Coco mo" by the Beach Boys, and I began. I forgot to introduce myself. There was holy water and giant bibles in the podium! I said my sermon, and when I finished, they played "I'm so Excited " by the Pointer Sisters. (the family chose those songs, they were Nancy's favorite) People flocked to me, it was overwhelming. they had never heard anything like it. They were "entranced" they said, they were captivated, they said. I was an amazing speaker they said. It was the best funeral they had ever been to, they said. I was so red faced, and practically in tears. My mother in law was there and had never heard me speak. She called hubby and told him that I should open up my own church.

I was so nervous. I was scared of "doing it wrong". During the meditation where it was silent, I felt Nancy's presence and she thanked me for doing her funeral. She giggled and said I was doing great! with thumbs up. She had the sweetest smile, and she was so happy!

All in all it was a deeper experience, it was solemn, and beautiful, and holy. I was a different person, holding the space, allowing for peace and for Spirit to speak through me. I felt almost like I was taken over, and there was nothing but love. I hugged so many people, and held so many hands. I looked into so many eyes, who all searched in mine for some sort of peace. It was incredibly a different experience than a wedding, and understood right away what my mentor Rev. Kathleen Verigin meant about funerals being better than a wedding. Its deeper, somehow. Its calling you to really represent the God within you, to BE the peace, to BE the healer. I remembered my sweet friends words, of being the most beautiful lotus I could be, and that was what I tried to be. What a beautiful experience!
So now I sit and ponder of the beauty of this experience, of what it really means to be a Minister, a Celebrant, One who walks with God. I am not a religious woman. I am not churchy,I occasionally say the bad word, But I really am just like you,and you don't see me like that. Your tentative around me, and afraid to be you. I am filled with Spirit. You are too. I guess that's a good place to accept, and I am honored to walk this journey.
So I end this entry with the very first thing I said at the funeral:

Birth is a beginning
And death a destination
But life is a journey
A going -- a growing
From stage to stage
From childhood to maturity
And youth to age.
From innocence to awareness
And ignorance to knowing;
From foolishness to discretion
And then perhaps, to wisdom.
From Weakness to strength
Or strength to weakness
And, often, back again.
From health to sickness
And back we pray, to health again.
From offense to forgiveness,
From loneliness to love,
From joy to gratitude,
From pain to compassion,
And grief to understanding --
From fear to faith.
From defeat to defeat to defeat --
Until, looking backward or ahead,
We see that victory lies
Not as some high place along the way,
But in having made the journey, stage by stage.
A sacred pilgrimage.
Birth is a beginning
And death a destination.
But life is a journey,
A sacred pilgrimage --
Made stage by stage --
To life everlasting.

Thanks for listening.

Do you kazoo? 08-18-09

I get an email today. From my University. Saying Its my FINAL reminder that I need to complete my graduation file. First of all, I'm Graduating!!! YES! Its the light at the end of the tunnel, and that means its really true that I'm not going to be stuck in this perpetual time warp of text books, and Word documents, and abstracts, and title pages, and APA citations! 6 weeks, and I can throw my cap up in the air!. If I had a cap. Which I don't. Which is dumb.

Going to school online, means you don't get the camaraderie that you do in brick and mortar schools. You don't talk to other students that often except for once, every 5 weeks when you are thrown into a group project with people you don't know, who you depend on for your grade, because its a GROUP. This is a scary thing for a perfectionist like me, that hates depending on anyone, especially for her grades. Especially this past week, when I got to write the Group paper ALL BY MY SELF because my group couldn't get their act together. Ahem.

Anyway, My school has several brick and mortar campuses, the main one being in Chicago, Illinois. Before this year, they only offered virtual graduations. You would email a special invitation to your family, and they would sit in front of the computer screen, and listen to a commencement speech from people like George Stephonopolis. Then you would hear pomp and circumstance, and a rolling list of names of everyone that graduated would slide slowly up the screen. Eventually your name would be shown, and YAY... that would be it. It never really felt like a big deal. AT. ALL.

Recently my university started doing real graduations, where the virtual school classes would be invited to go through graduation festivities in Chicago on the pier.How cool is that?? Of course, even though I graduate next month, my "real graduation in Chicago" won't be until Spring of 2010. Hmph. But that does mean that I will be attending WITH my family, and a babe in arms! :)

My husband recently reminded me that what I have been doing is no walk in the park. That he has witnessed how difficult and challenging this whole school thing was for me. That I should be celebrated. That he wants to throw a party for me. For me!

The last time I was thrown a graduation party for my bachelor's, my girlfriends back home surprised me with a kickass party that I will never forget. I was bummed that day. I realized that to my family, my graduation from a virtual school apparently didn't mean anything to them. My sisters didn't care, my parents didn't care, my then husband didn't care, his family didn't care. No acknowledgment whatsoever from any of them, except for "good job." Ok, Now let me add that I am not an attention whore (mostly), but my ego was bruised. I worked my ass off. I remember coming home after my surprise party that my friends threw me and I had a big box of goodies in the back of my minivan. My then husband wandered out and asked "Whats with all the stuff in the box?" I replied "My friends threw me a surprise party!" He says "For what?" I remember the tears of frustration welling up in my eyes. "For my Effing Graduation". He replies "huh." And people wonder why he frustrated the hell out of me.

Fast forward 5 years and I am graduating again. I guess I took the idea from my family not thinking that my efforts were amounting to anything, or that it wasn't a big deal to heart, because I haven't been excited about the actual graduation to anyone, except you, my dear readers. So when My beloved hubby announces he wants to throw me a party, I'm all sarcastically "Huh?? Why??" And he's all "Because you worked your ass off and this is a HUGE deal! Stop downplaying it. Lose your frumpy attitude.Now.". See why I love him?

So yeah. I am getting a Master's Degree. Who cares that I am unemployed, or have to pay back my student loans which amount to forever in debt, in 7 months from now? Awesome.
So, For those of you friends in the Burgh that wanna come and have celebration drinks, and blow in a kazoo, come to my house. It will be fun. Because Hubby says to stop downplaying it and lose the frumpy attitude. That's why.

Are you Ready to Rock? 08-14-09

Do you remember that day? It was going to be a scorcher, that day. We had been lucky enough to escape to the beach the day before, where it was at least 10 degrees cooler, but everyone and their mom decided that escaping to the beach was a good idea too.

Do you remember the photographer, dressed in all black to take our photos? He was literally drenched in sweat, dripping off his face like a leaky faucet. He took some fabulous pictures though, huh?

Do you remember when everyone started showing up, and I had to go and wait it out in the lodge? You didn't know this, but I was pacing in there, panicking. I was shaking, and my eyes kept welling up with tears. I was so nervous and excited. Did you know that? You seemed so calm and collected.

Do you remember walking the kids up into the labyrinth to begin the ceremony, and Jon playing the native American Flute, (you loved so much that you had to have one, and so we bought a handmade one at the Saturday market the next day)and the giant mother drum beating like a heartbeat?

Do you remember standing at the entrance of the labyrinth,me walking toward you to the heartbeat of the drum? I remember you seeing me and your eyes welling up with tears.

Do you remember walking into the center of the labyrinth in front of all my friends and family? As our drum and the flute slowly faded away, and silence enveloped us Do you remember what happened then?

The neighbors down the road had a summer party and with it a live band that decided to pretend to be AC/DC, who screamed so loud that it echoed "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?" Our guests, the minister, and both of us started laughing. Jon said "Well? Are you ready to rock?" Surely it must have been a sign from the heavens that our marriage was going to be full of fun and laughter.

Do you remember our vows that we said to each other? Yours were so simple and sweet, and you were so emotional I had to wipe tears from your eyes.

Here were your vows to me:

" I acknowledge my love for you and invite you to share my life as I hope to share yours. I promise to walk by your side, to love, help, and encourage you. I vow to take time to share with you, to listen and to care. I will share you laughter and your tears, as your partner, lover and friend. I promise to always respect you and honor you as an individual and to be conscious of your needs. I will seek through kindness and compassion to achieve with you the life we have planned together."

Do you remember my vows to you?
"Today we are married. I stand before you, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not yet know. I promise to delight in your happiness and comfort you in sorrow. To support you when you need it, and when I need support to accept yours. To make your plans and dreams as important to me as my own.
Together we will created a household that celebrates respect, honest, laughter, nurturing,and adventures. The strength of our home will allow us to live conscientiously and deliberately and encourage others to do the same.
I promise to continue to love you deeply and honestly, as it is your heart that moves me, your mind that challenges me, and inspires me, and your hands that I wish to hold until the end of my days.
You are my best beloved and my friend. I give you my promise to be by your side and on your side. I gladly make these promises to you, and I am proud to become your partner.
We stand united now and forever, to join our lives, so that we may be strong as individuals, and stronger still together".

I remember you asking the kids to come forward and I remember the vows you gave to them, becoming their step father :
"I Glenn, Take you Ryan, Kayce, and Julia to be my family, to love you, inspire you, to mentor you, and to share with you the journey of life."

I remember our wedding rings being passed through the hands of each one of our guests, and that they each held them, placed a blessing on them before handing them back to us to slip on each others fingers.

I remember the beautiful Native American blanket that several of my friends bought together to wrap us in for the calling in of the directions. Remember how hot it was under that wool blanket? Remember all the beloved friends standing around us, joining in the ceremony, honoring all the directions along with us?

Do you remember the prayer that Rev. Jayna said at the end?

"Our Creator, we ask you to protect the ones we love. We honor all you have created as Dina and Glenn pledge their hearts and lives together. We honor Mother Earth and ask for their marriage to be abundant and grow stronger through the seasons. We honor fire and ask that their union be warm and glowing with love in their hearts.

We honor wind and ask that they sail through life safe and calm as in the father's arms. We honor water to cleanse and soothe their relationship and ask that it may never thirst for love. With all the forces of the universe you have created, we pray for harmony and true happiness, as Dina and Glenn forever honor the Divine Within- the center, the God spark, the soul. We ask for blessings upon each and every one present here to day as witnesses to their sacred union. We give thanks for the feast we will soon share together and praise this day of life!"

And then we were married.

And now we are married. For one year. Does it feel like a year to you? It has been a beautiful year. I have loved every moment. Thank you for loving me.

Silence on Top of the World 08-12-09

He asked me to marry him, and I.. I was silent. I knew he was going to ask me eventually.

He was so nervous that day. Desperate to go to the top of the world where the wind whistled, the birds caught air in their wings, and soared in lazy spirals, where everything below looked like ants. It was a cloudy day, that day. It was a chilly April Morning, and he landed at the airport with a nervous hug, the unknown in his eyes, and one question:"Can we go to Crown Point, right now?" So we went. I chatterboxed the whole way, and he was uncharacteristically quiet.

We got to the top of the mountain, and just as we got out of my car, he couldn't stand it anymore. He looked at me, and said pragmatically, "we love each other, and I would be so happy if you would marry me and be my wife." Just like that, the words spilled out of his mouth stumbling after each other, all around my ears, and my heart stopped. I knew he was going to ask me. He opened the little box that beheld a beautiful ring glittering even in the cloudy day for me to see. To wear, to belong to him, to say yes.

I panicked. I turned away from him. I knew he was going to ask me. I knew I belonged with him. Words escaped me. I didn't know what to say. Here was this amazing man who had fallen in love with ME. He was ready to face the world with me by his side. To start a new life together with me holding his hand. To take care of me, to love me.

I had been down this path before. Not out of love, per say, but because at the time it was what I thought was the "right thing to do". I did it for 13 years. It was a heart breaking marriage. Some good times, but hard, young, struggling, child rearing, house payment making times. It was a reality. I had failed. We had failed. Could I do this again? Could I knowingly take this man who I respected and adored down this road, knowing what I knew? My thoughts tumbled before me. I couldn't speak. How could I go down this road again? So soon??

He was waiting, the clock ticking silently, 30 seconds, a minute. two minutes passed by. Silence. The wind blew, and he waited.

Wait a second, I thought. This is my chance for a second chance. A second chance to do it right. To start fresh, to respect and support, and treat this man with dignity, and love, and hope. He was what I had always wanted. I had manifested him into my reality, right? He was here, and he was ready,ready to take me into the folds of his life, along with my children, and I needed to be ready too. Our relationship was so special, and loving, and careful Yes careful. Careful to treat each other well, at all times. To speak to each other respectfully, to be honest. To trust each other. It had been a long road, and it just kept getting better and better.

I turned around and hugged him hard, and again he held me, not knowing what I was going to say. He was nervous from my prolonged silence. "Yes" I said. "I will marry you." He pulled the beautiful ring out of the box and smiled. He said "Its called Water Under The Bridge". I laughed. "Are you serious?? That's like something you say to someone you have been fighting with and are making up...This is what this ring stands for??"
He stumbled again, laughing. No!! NO!! I mean its "Bridge Over Water!!"

He wanted me to tell everyone. I wanted to be quiet. To take this all in. Because this was really happening. Cinderella had finally got her prince, and I wanted to savor it, and not share. It was all mine. I was standing on the top of the world,the world at my feet, ready to explore with this amazing man who wanted to explore it with me, and I, I wanted to be silent.

The Manifesto

WARNING: Dear Readers,
Before you read this, be warned this is mushy, and lovey dovey. If that makes you sick to your tummy, then don't read it. This is my tribute to an amazing relationship, and how it came to be. Thank you

Once upon a time, I asked several dear "couple" friends of mine the secret to the beautiful relationship they had created. I asked how was I ever going to find that perfect Mr. Right?? After all I had failed miserably after trying to make one relationship work for 13 years. They gave me various pieces of advice. There was a common silver thread in everything I was told.

The one thing everyone told me about was the Law of Attraction. They also said to create a Manifesto for the Soul mate I was longing for. HOW do I do that? I pondered. I researched, I asked questions, and with the help of genius Stacey Robyn and her beloved soul-mate, Here is what was created:

I see a new and exciting person entering my life's experience. This person is a handsome man who vibrates in harmony with what I am wanting. He is spiritual in the sense that he knows who he is and believes that all things are possible and is moving in the same direction that I am.
He has a wonderful sense of humor and appreciates mine as we bring out the best feelings in each other when we are together. He has a sense of adventure and a willingness to try new things. He is curious by nature and loves learning, experiencing and experimenting.

He is honest with his feelings and dealings with me and others. He is positive, upbeat, and happy. He is a joy to be around and I feel wonderful to be with him. He has his own mind and is independent emotionally and financially.

He is vibrant and healthy- he literally glows with energy and enthusiasm. He believes in himself and believes in me. His sublime nature is a grace that makes all our interactions smooth, natural and effortless. We support each other in our life's mission and I feel like a queen when I am with him, and he feels like my king. We are able to speak for hours with each other, while at the same time being able to give each other space when we want it.

He loves to travel and has a great appreciation for the beauty, serenity, and grandeur of nature. He really feels like a soul-mate, sharing a like mind and soul. He is full of life and reminds me of the power of love. There is a magnetic pull that draws us together. There is definitely a strong sense of physical attraction and at the same time the attraction extends beyond the physical and into the emotional, mental, and spiritual side as well. We are a perfect match and are in harmony on all levels. He is a growth seeking being and e enjoy growing together and learning from one another.

I see myself sharing my life with this handsome, loving, fun, supportive, honest,gentle, spiritual, intelligent soul-mate. When I am with him, I feel alive and strong, more of my best self. I feel the great possibility of all things. Talking with him is like talking to myself, for his thoughts are my thoughts. We are one and we are in harmony. Our relationship grows through love and great joy and a desire to always expand the limits of our beliefs. WE want to experience all the richness that life has to offer. This life is a wonderful adventure/creation and we expectantly look forward to each new day.

I have made space for this special man in my life- someone of like mind and heart. I feel him definitely being attracted to me as I am writing this. We will meet and there will be joy and excitement in our meeting. He will see what I'm doing and support it wholeheartedly as I will be committed to assisting him in fulfilling our life's purpose.

Not long after I put this all down on paper, I found him. He is ALL those things, and I am so blessed.

My Ears are leaking 08-10-09

This morning I woke up, to see my husband smiling at me. Soon after, he left for work, and I, who had stayed up till 12:30 talking to a beautiful old soul friend online, (AFTER my homework was done, yo.)I felt the need to get a little more sleep. An hour later, I was downstairs into our home, and noticed little things. He had done laundry. It was on the chair in the living room waiting to be folded.
I went into the kitchen to force myself to eat some breakfast.. which is a rarity as usually I am ALWAYS hungry. I looked at the sink, and realized my hubby had cleaned the kitchen from the amazing meal he made for us last night, AFTER helping me babysit our niece and nephew for 5 hours.
My Hubby? simply Amazing.
I married him a year ago this coming Sunday.

I remember the first moment I laid eyes on him face to face. His plane was early, and I, of course was running late. I remember running through the cars dropping off people at the departing gate, and I remember dodging cars,as I ran in front of moving vehicles. Yes, I am a smart one. I didn't realize that he could see me from where he stood waiting at baggage claim, though the windows. We were on the phone together, and I was rushing, out of breath. I couldn't be calm. I couldn't just chill. Here this man flew all the way across the country to see me. ME!! I was so excited. He was one of my lights in a harrowing darkness for many months.

As I ran inside the airport, willing myself to walk, I saw him. There he was. The most handsome man I have ever seen. He was leaning up against his carry on, his feet crossed at the bottom, his arm resting on the handle of his bag. And he was smiling at me. He was giggling at me. I wasn't sure what to do when I came up to him. Do I shake his hand? Do we hug?
I decided. We hug.

So I walked right into his waiting arms, and he held me for a full minute. I could smell him, his yummy smell, and his heat. I pulled back to look up at him, and he surprised me with a kiss. It was SO flippin romantic!

We had a fantastic weekend. We visited the many awesome places of Portland, and the Columbia River Gorge.

Powell's Book Store. Biggest Bookstore in the world. GO there.

Japanese Gardens in Portland. AMAZING serenity

First time I had ever eaten Seared Tuna.

Crown Point, Columbia River Gorge. We watched the Sun set, and the Moon rise at the same time. Life Froze for a beautiful moment.

Mt. Hood. My childhood home. One of my favorite places on the planet.

Multnomah Falls, Columbia Gorge. Breathtaking.

Portland Saturday Market. Awesome Arts, Crafts, Music, and food Every weekend from March through December.

Falafel Sandwich. At the Market. Its a memory, so what?
His trip out to see me was jam packed. It was beautiful, momentous, precious, and a treasure that I get to hang onto forever.
When it was time to say goodbye, we both struggled. Tears. Heavy hearts. He started to joke and say that his eyes were leaking, but he fumbled and said his Ears were leaking instead. We then remembered to laugh.

Introspection 08-04-09

So this week is interesting for me. I am feeling so many emotions and wondering how much of those emotions are due to being pregnant. Or am I having these legitimate feelings that are enhanced because of pregnancy? I don't even know how to answer my own questions.
I am feeling depressed. Big depressed. Like crying depressed, no motivation depressed, and lack of energy depressed.

I am feeling a disintegration of the old in my life. As much as I struggle against it, it is there, staring me in the face. I remember a dream that I had years ago where I was standing in a field of beautiful flowers, and all of a sudden behind me the earth broke off revealing me standing on the edge of a cliff with my back against the Nothing. That's what it feels like. There have been many reminders that this would be happening to me anyway, through the spiritual emails I receive, letting me know I am in perfect alignment with whatever is going on with our planet. Its so hard to surrender to it, to let go. I don't know how.

I am also feeling joy. the joy of sharing this pregnancy experience with my hubby, who is wide eyed and innocent, having never before been through this. Joy of feeling the little movements that our baby makes. knowing this baby can hear (our dog barked by my side, and I swear to goodness that the baby jumped), and find myself singing a lullaby out loud.
"Baby Mine, Don't you cry, Baby mine, dry your eyes, rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine....."

I am feeling overwhelmed thinking about my children's reaction to the new one. They obviously are not pleased. My little one is losing her place as the baby of the family. She is really feeling that, and I feel her pulling away slowly from me. She is already having issues with her step dad, and accepting him as a parental figure, this just adds insult to injury for her.

The boys seem nonchalant about it, but Our middle boy has let slip that he feels like I won't be spending as much time with him when the baby comes. He doesn't want to be abandoned. My oldest is more thoughtful about it, and asked if that meant that they would be related through a blood tie to their step dad. Kind of like a brand new family circle.

My heart breaks for them knowing that this change is disrupting, but I so hope that they will come to love the new addition, and not be angry with me or their step dad. It is a delicate line to walk, and I want to be so careful.

I am also feeling lonely. After creating a family circle of women, and bonding with them even more strongly than my own blood ties, I felt for the first time in my entire life, supported, and surrounded by people who understood me, accepted me, and loved me. Then because of love, I moved away from all of that. After 2 years, I have felt the disconnect, and I don't talk to hardly any of them anymore. I am only able to sit back and hear the stories of how my friends are doing, how they are living their very full, very rich lives, together, and apart. Here, in my new home,it has been lonely. Just Hubby and the children and myself. No women. No sisters. No ONE! For over 2 years. How does a woman live like this? No friends, no support system, no Mamas, no sisters, no Nothing. Honestly? It sucks.

On the flip side, I have recently met a woman here who approached me out of the blue and decided that I needed to be the one to officiate her wedding to her beloved. After talking with her, I felt a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe she was the beginning of a new circle or women, of a support network, of sisters. We shall see.

So this is Dina today, Introspective, Depressed, Disintegration, Fear, Sorrow, Surrender, Joy, and Blessed.


I LURVE Pandora. I listen to it, while I play on Facebook, Twitter,read my email, and work on school work. It's always on. I think I have about 20 different stations that I flip through. This week I discovered a new artist, and I haven't been able to get enough of his voice. His name is Ben Taylor, and he is the son of James Taylor, and Carly Simon. He sounds amazingly like his father, which is awesome anyway, but he has this VOICE that melts me. I admit I have been Stalking him for 3 days.

I identify with this artist as an awesome person which makes him all the more cooler. He is the kind of guy I would totally hang out with, so I don't think hubby would mind too much would mind if I decided he was my honorary boyfriend. Then again, put me in front of a man that can croon while strumming his acoustic guitar, and I am totally his.. (Hint to Mr. Wonder Hubby... still waiting for you to serenade me on that guitar I bought you for Christmas that you wanted so BADLY.)

So with that, I thought I would share with you a taste of Ben Taylor. No worries, I can share him, and I won't get jealous if you decide you like him too.

Making a choice 05-08-09

Last night, Hubby and I watched Michael J. Fox's documentary : "The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist".
Watching it made us both introspective. It made us both soft, and quiet, and even a little bit tender. It was a lovely story, and of course being the bibliophile that I am, made me want to purchase his book.

We learned all about a country called Bhutan, the happiest place on earth. We decided we seriously had to go there. The King of Bhutan declared that the Gross National Happiness was more important than Gross National Product. How amazing would it be if all the countries lived this way? If all nations leaders decided that this was a better way to live? A Bhutanese hotel owner defined it as "knowing your limitation; knowing how much is enough" (Rose, 2008).

Micheal J. Fox has Parkinson's disease. He is getting worse. He can't control his movements, and the disease is slowly wrapping him up in its clenched fist. But yet, his spirit is still strong. He still believes in being optimistic. Nothing brings him down.
An incurable optimistic. Someone that chooses every single day to find the positive in every situation. Someone that sees the silver lining, the glass as half full, the sunshine through the clouds, the light at the end of the tunnel.

I personally live with an incurable optimistic. My hubby sees the good in everything. He "chooses" to make every day a good day. He says its a choice. He teaches that to all of us, every single day. He accepts things, feels them, and then releases them. He doesn't hold onto things, he says its not productive. He just "Is". He is such a great teacher for me.

It is a gift to be connected to an optimistic person. You can't help but let it rub off on you.

Since I have been not working, I have been taking time to recenter myself. I am going through a detox for the healing of my inside. I am listening to the wisdom of wise teachers, and reading inspirational stories. I am exercising for an hour daily, and coming back to who I know I am.

The other day I was listening to Tony Robbins, and he made a statement that really struck my heart chords. He said "If you don't do what you absolutely LOVE, and have a passion for, then don't do it! Only do what makes your heart say YES!"

Remember when you were little, and you had dreams of what you wanted to be when you grew up? The world was wide open at your feet. Nothing was impossible. You knew you could be an astronaut, or a broadway star. Who ever thought that they would end up being a Human Resources Manager?
What do you love? What would you do if you could go back and try something new? I look at what I love to do. I love photography. I love writing. I love helping people, and making people happy. I love teaching.
I have been looking at teaching classes for a long time. Both for women, and reconnecting them to their soul and souls purpose in a series of wisdom classes, as well as children and empowerment. I have studied a course for a long time called Non-Violent Communication taught by Marshall Rosenberg. I have been considering getting training with it, and facilitating classes in the school system for kids and educators with NVC. We recently received a letter from our school principal discussing the need for the students to be more kind. Maybe this would help.
A friend of mine, Larry, has been gently nudging me to do a spiritual Sunday service. to give a talk as the minister that I am, and speak to a group of people. OY! I don't know that I am ready for this, but I feel my feet tiptoeing towards it. How would that look like? What would I say? How would I touch the hearts of the people I am speaking to? Lots to think about.

I don't want to be stuck in a rut ever again. I don't want to work in a company that only sees the bottom line and does not take into account the employees. So I will choose not to.

Speaking of choosing, this song came into my email this morning, and it was the push that I needed to blog today.
I hope you enjoy it!

Dunking my feet into Health 04-28-09

No Excuses! I'm done with them. I admit it. I have been a sloth for just about a year. I haven't had the energy to do much more than work, and study for my grad classes. I have been sedentary, lethargic, and exhausted! I have been eating poorly, and not getting enough sleep. I have had a short temper, and absolutely no patience. This all equates to a crumbling, aging body that really no one wants to be around. Now that I am not working, I have found myself to be floundering! What will I do with my time? How will I live? How will I support my family?
Panic was starting to set in, and so I decided to have a talk with the Universe.

Me~ What do I need to do?
Universe~ Simply Breathe
Me~That's it?
Universe~ Its the first step. Surrender, listen, and trust. All is well.
Me~It doesn't feel well right now.
Universe~ You are completely supported. Important things are on your path. Open your eyes.
Me~ I don't see anything.
Universe~ Dina. Breathe. Nurture yourself. Bless yourself. Heal yourself. Allow yourself this.
Me~What about a job?money? security?
Universe~ Who you are has nothing to do currently with what you do for a job. Get clear on who you are, and what you do will follow.
The right time, the right place.

So, I will breathe. I will give myself care, and steer my physical body into the direction of health. I will breathe and remember who I AM.

Over the past few days I have been given great messages in my email. I love inspiring messages, and quotes. I want to share a few I received just today with you:

Give up, let go, get out of the way, and source will take care of us until we fully connect to our very new shore. And if at all possible….simply trust. Everything, as always, is in divine and perfect order. Everything is unfolding just as it should.

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

There is no such thing as "change for the worse."

Change is the process of Life Itself, and that process could be

called by the name "evolution." And evolution moves in only

one direction: forward, and toward improvement.

Therefore, when change visits your life, you can be sure

things are turning for the better. It may not look that way

in the very moment change arrives, but if you will

wait a while and have faith in the process, you will see

that this is true.

A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human.

Time to not only recreate my resume and get clear on what I really want, but also time to get clear on who I am and recreate myself. Ready? Get set.... GO!

I walked the Plank 04-23-2009

F.I.R.E.D = Freedom, Invitation to Renew, Explore, and Decide a new way.

This week the company I worked for fired me. They made me walk the plank. I didn't struggle. I didn't resist, I walked with my head held high, and I jumped. I jumped right into the blue ocean. Thank God I know how to swim!

Thing is, I knew. I knew it was coming. For 6 months. I have been stressing about it. For 6 months I have been the most stressed out person that I couldn't even recognize anymore. I had been sending out resumes for 6 months. I was desperate to find something else while I knew the clock was ticking precious minutes away. No luck. Stupid Recession.

In my exit interview, I could have said so many things that I wanted to say. It was my chance! I had actually rehearsed everything I would have liked to tell not only the president of the company, but the woman who held my employment in her hands. Of course, when I got to the point where I was asked if I had anything to say, I said a few things, but for the most part I just shook my head, and said meekly, "Thank you". WIMP!
I was shaking. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Not until one of my sweet former coworkers hugged me and said that she would miss me.

Needless to say, I feel bad for my ex manager. My wish for her is that one day she will receive a gift of a lesson that will teach her a new way to be. An opening of her eyes, and her heart. To become awake to her own positive abilities, and opportunities. To be aware of others, and for compassion to flood her soul. She thinks she is already there. I know she wants to be there. I don't know if it will ever happen.

She had the gall to say that I wasn't conscious. Then she said that she meant conscientious. Freudian slip? I think she really feels this way. To me she is wrong on both accounts, but in her reality, well, I guess I was an incompetent fool, like she thought I was. It was very apparent that she couldn't stand me, didn't like, me and finally couldn't tolerate me.

This is all OK. I realize that I have many gifts to offer that she doesn't. I may not be accounting savvy, or detail oriented the way she expected me to be, but I am excellent with people. I have emotional intelligence, (Leaders that use Emotional Intelligence tend to focus on their employees, and lead with their heart as opposed to leading with their head all the time. They are able to understand their employee’s emotional needs and contribute effectively to accomplish goals using wisdom, creativity, and staying motivated) and I am not afraid to use it to better the people I am around, as well as myself. I would much rather have those skills any day! So in closing, I send prayers to the employees of my ex company. I send wisdom to the leaders. I send compassion to the directors, and I send Love to my friends that I enjoyed working with. Some of those employees were a wonderful bunch of peeps, and I will miss them greatly.

Stepping into Wholeness 4-22-09

I wrote this 2 years ago on April 13. I found it fitting to unearth it from my old blog on myspace and post it here, because I want to update myself on how far I have come along the way. So many changes! So here goes! ~

I thought when I was whole, that I would be celebrating, jumping up and down for joy! I never thought I would feel tender and compassion and grief for myself.

Getting ready to move across the country, leaving my world behind, I wanted to know that I had all the tools (internally) necessary to begin my new journey in life. I meditated, journeyed, and prayed to Spirit, asking "What is the real reason (beyond sharing space with my beloved) that I am being called to travel 2500 miles away from my home?"

I heard various things:

"You have a purpose where your going. There is work for you to do."
"You have a teacher waiting for you."
"You are moving to help with the Spiritual Awakening"

So then I asked "What are the internal tools that I need to take with me?"
Again I heard various things.

"You need to feel whole. Complete."
"you have already everything you need. Listen."

Deeply listening to my soul. Its like waiting in the silence. Its like sitting outside on top of a ridge in the Columbia River Gorge, in the middle of August,my legs swinging over the ridge, feeling the breeze caress my skin, feeling the embrace of God. Its like watching Hawk soar overhead circling in the sky so gracefully.
"YOU need to feel whole"
Aren't I whole? I looked back on my childhood and remembered from the earliest point that I never once felt like I belonged. An outsider. I was such a serious child, always making choices that would get me in hot water. I was forever gloomy, hardly ever happy in the real world. I was, however happy in my games of pretend; in my imagination I would be a princess, or a fairy. I would be at my best by myself in the forest, or at the beach, where my imagination could run wild.
I remember looking at my sisters, and they were such joyful happy sweet little girls. Full of laughter, giggles, and fun. Throughout the years I would watch them grow, and they never grew out of that happy place. How come I was never like that? There is such an age difference between us that I never felt connected to them the way "sisters" should be... They way they are to each other. They have a beautiful relationship. I can say however, we are now bonding in a different way, and I am so thankful that we are friends and we are family.


I have always been such a serious girl. Oh I absolutely am happy, thrilled with the events that are unfolding in my life. I have changed so much, grown into a person that I would be friends with, and can honestly say that I love more than anything.


I decided to have a soul retrieval done, to see if there were soul parts that had possibly gone away. I wanted them to come back, if they had, and integrate into the person that I am meant to be. I know, I know, I am already the person that I am meant to be. But I also recognized that I needed this for myself. I want to FEEL whole when I make my journey to the other side of the country, to do the work that I am meant to do in this world... my soul purpose.

What a beautiful process. I was having a particularly rough day, missing my Beloved sooooo incredibly much, and I was not sure that I could be fully present for this process. It took me a long long time to cut cords with various people, worries, and traumas in my life. I didn't realize how much baggage one can carry around. (that lesson... "This isn't my stuff?"... yeah.)

I want to honor the parts that came back. I want to celebrate my wholeness. But I also get that I need to nurture myself as well.

The 7 month old baby. Sitting in a poopy diaper. Neglected. Crying. Devastated over a soul connection that had checked out early. She had chosen to leave me to be with the departed soul.

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The 7 year old. Lonely. Not feeling loved. Not feeling her worth. Not fitting in. Was found in the playground...

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The Happy child, Joyful Exuberant, Living in a playground, reluctant to leave but so excited to come back, so long as I accepted her best friend, the white dove...

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The Little one that knows she is a princess or priestess. Knows she is meant for something special.
Would only come back if I promised to make space for her, To honor her. To know and believe that I am special.

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I feel so incredibly tender. Almost like a mama to my own self. I want to rock and cradle myself, and let myself know that I am going to take care of me. Ahhh.

Now I say to YOU, my friends, and beloveds....May you know how very special you are. May you know your worth. May you know that you are so incredibly loved. I wonder how much the world would change if we could, each day take a moment and really truly hear those words, believe them, and feel it!!