Introspection 08-04-09

So this week is interesting for me. I am feeling so many emotions and wondering how much of those emotions are due to being pregnant. Or am I having these legitimate feelings that are enhanced because of pregnancy? I don't even know how to answer my own questions.
I am feeling depressed. Big depressed. Like crying depressed, no motivation depressed, and lack of energy depressed.

I am feeling a disintegration of the old in my life. As much as I struggle against it, it is there, staring me in the face. I remember a dream that I had years ago where I was standing in a field of beautiful flowers, and all of a sudden behind me the earth broke off revealing me standing on the edge of a cliff with my back against the Nothing. That's what it feels like. There have been many reminders that this would be happening to me anyway, through the spiritual emails I receive, letting me know I am in perfect alignment with whatever is going on with our planet. Its so hard to surrender to it, to let go. I don't know how.

I am also feeling joy. the joy of sharing this pregnancy experience with my hubby, who is wide eyed and innocent, having never before been through this. Joy of feeling the little movements that our baby makes. knowing this baby can hear (our dog barked by my side, and I swear to goodness that the baby jumped), and find myself singing a lullaby out loud.
"Baby Mine, Don't you cry, Baby mine, dry your eyes, rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine....."


I am feeling overwhelmed thinking about my children's reaction to the new one. They obviously are not pleased. My little one is losing her place as the baby of the family. She is really feeling that, and I feel her pulling away slowly from me. She is already having issues with her step dad, and accepting him as a parental figure, this just adds insult to injury for her.

The boys seem nonchalant about it, but Our middle boy has let slip that he feels like I won't be spending as much time with him when the baby comes. He doesn't want to be abandoned. My oldest is more thoughtful about it, and asked if that meant that they would be related through a blood tie to their step dad. Kind of like a brand new family circle.

My heart breaks for them knowing that this change is disrupting, but I so hope that they will come to love the new addition, and not be angry with me or their step dad. It is a delicate line to walk, and I want to be so careful.

I am also feeling lonely. After creating a family circle of women, and bonding with them even more strongly than my own blood ties, I felt for the first time in my entire life, supported, and surrounded by people who understood me, accepted me, and loved me. Then because of love, I moved away from all of that. After 2 years, I have felt the disconnect, and I don't talk to hardly any of them anymore. I am only able to sit back and hear the stories of how my friends are doing, how they are living their very full, very rich lives, together, and apart. Here, in my new home,it has been lonely. Just Hubby and the children and myself. No women. No sisters. No ONE! For over 2 years. How does a woman live like this? No friends, no support system, no Mamas, no sisters, no Nothing. Honestly? It sucks.


On the flip side, I have recently met a woman here who approached me out of the blue and decided that I needed to be the one to officiate her wedding to her beloved. After talking with her, I felt a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe she was the beginning of a new circle or women, of a support network, of sisters. We shall see.

So this is Dina today, Introspective, Depressed, Disintegration, Fear, Sorrow, Surrender, Joy, and Blessed.